As The World Waits With Bated Breath, I Finally Give My Reaction To Adam Lambert's AMA Performance

Ugh.

Okay, okay, so I have more to say than that.

Before you go thinking I'm ugh-ing over the general display of trisexuality, stop for a minute and remember who I am — a hetero with an ever-growing lesbian list and a healthy appreciation for hot gay dudes. I'm not bothered by a little guy-on-guy action or odes to bondage. What does bother me is bad singing and contrived bullshit. And that's all I got out of that performance.

I hated "For Your Entertainment" at first listen but I thought maybe it would sound better live, without all the studio effects. I was wrong. It was like Adam dumbed his voice down to sound like every other generic popstar. His idea of setting himself apart was to just shriek loudly. Even though I've always enjoyed the Glambert glory notes, these ones were mad pitchy, dawg. He really did sound like he was engaging in some wild S&M up on that stage at a few points. And I don't think that was intended.

As for the performance, I wasn't shocked by its "graphic" nature (seriously, ABC has shown more graphic sex scenes on Grey's Anatomy); I was shocked by how uninteresting is was, and how desperate and phony it all seemed. Adam might as well have come out onstage and said, "Okay, now I'm gonna prove how edgy I am. I'm not the typical American Idol contestant! I'm here, I'm queer, now deal with it! You watching, Aaron Hicklin? 'Scuse me while I fake blow this guy!" Honestly, for a man who strategically played coy about his sexuality until his big Rolling Stone cover story and claimed that he didn't want to be the poster boy for gay rights and issues, he sure seemed hell bent on getting people to sit up and take notice of his sexuality. And now that the inevitable shit storm has started blowing around him, he's able to give a million interviews in which he calls America out on their homophobic, discriminatory, double standard-having ways.

Adam claims that the kiss he planted on his keyboard player was not rehearsed, but was "in the moment." While I believe that it wasn't rehearsed (because Dick Clark's people would have pulled the plug on that), I don't believe that it was purely spontaneous. Adam knew he was gonna do it. The keyboardist knew he was gonna do it. And if he didn't...well, that opens a whole other can of worms. First of all, it's always nice to make sure the ice has been cleared before starting a game of tonsil hockey. That's just common courtesy. Secondly, the keyboardist is apparently straight, and a lot of straight dudes don't take kindly to being tongue-raped by other dudes. I don't care if the guy does "believe in the spirit of rock 'n' roll." That doesn't mean he believes in letting that spirit inside his mouth. Not saying that straight guys, especially rockers, can't enjoy a good snog from their fellow man every now and then. Bruce Springsteen and Clarence Clemons have swapped spit a bunch of times. Anthony Kiedis will kiss any man that moves. Damon Albarn and Graham Coxon have been known to lock lips. (Give me a minute to just reflect on that one, please. Oh my. Very nice.) Um, what was I saying? Oh yes, the point is that those were all consensual kisses. And that keyboardist didn't react like a guy who had just been unexpectedly saliva-bombed.

So, long story short (too late), I didn't like the performance. But I haven't liked much of anything Adam's done since that Rolling Stone interview. It's really sad to say, but that stupid 2012 ballad is probably the best thing to come out of his post-Idol career so far. And I don't even know what's happening with his looks. He used to be so hot, but lately he just kind of looks like Liza Minnelli on the fourth morning after a three-day bender. (Or, as Liza calls it, Sunday.)

Of course, many of Adam's loyal fans are all over the Internet defending the performance, but these people have clearly just invested so much time and effort in the guy, that they just can't admit to themselves that he was a big ol' overcooked Thanksgiving turkey up on that stage. Come on, even Entertainment Weekly's eternal fanboy, Michael Slezak, had to admit that Adam shit the bed. He summed the whole thing up perfectly: "Adam could’ve had tongues wagging just from his vocals alone. Instead, that golden voice took a backseat tonight at the AMAs, and I’m not sure exactly who was occupying the driver’s seat."

I don't know either, but Adam clearly had his hand on the gear shift.

Whatever, I'm over it. I've moved on to Lady Gaga. She's fulfilling all of my needs for showy glam-pop. And the rumor that she might have some boy parts makes it all that much more exciting.