Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following items are curiously fascinating:

Channel Surfing in That Big Barcalounger in the Sky - Ken Ober, host of the late '80s - early '90s MTV game show Remote Control, died on Sunday at the age of 52. And there goes another very important piece of my adolescent years. I wrote about Ken a few years ago, wondering where he had disappeared to, and now this. *sigh* The cause of death has yet to be determined, but apparently Ken had complained of a headache and flu-like symptoms the night before he died. I wonder if it could have been an aneurysm?

Paris Hilton Likes the Rough Stuff - Cops responded to a call about "drunk people fighting" early this morning. (It wasn't me this time. I went to bed early last night, so there.) Turns out it was Paris Hilton and her boyfriend Doug Reinhardt. Doug was about to flee the scene, but Paris ran out to the driveway and loudly begged him not to go. So, they shoved each other around a bit and headed back into the house, where Doug probably choked her again. Cops showed up, but left after questioning Paris. Perhaps the police are hoping for a good old fashioned murder/suicide, which requires less paperwork than assault and battery.

Johnny Depp Named Sexiest Man Alive - This is Johnny's second Sexiest Man title, putting him in a very small club of "two-timers," with Brad Pitt and George Clooney. Not that I disagree with Johnny's timeless sexiness, but come on, People magazine! Are you really that lazy? Way to just phone it in with an obvious "go-to guy." Johnny hasn't even really done anything this year. How about giving some deserving new guys a shot? Jon Hamm, Paul Rudd, Joel McHale, Mark Salling, Bradley Cooper...the list goes on and on. I'd even be fine with Gerard Butler, who I'm incredibly sick of but can't deny his hotness. And, HOW HAS EWAN MCGREGOR NEVER WON THIS DAMN THING? Seriously. That's just wrong.

Exhibits A-Z on Why Kids Should Stay Off the Crack: Lindsay Lohan - So, last month, LiLo "borrowed" some jewelry from a Paris showroom and just last week, she tried to con Kellan Lutz into footing her liquor bill at Crown Bar. Most recently, the littlest Firecrotch threw a tantrum when staff at Hollywood boutique Kitson wouldn't let her help herself to $15k worth of clothes and accessories. Linz was being paid to appear at the launch of a new watch line by Jermaine Dupri and jewelry designer Pascal Mouawad. As an added perk, Mouawad also gave her $1000 to spend at Kitson. However, Little Miss Crazy acted like it was Supermarket Sweep up in that piece, grabbing 15 times more than her little toothpick arms could carry. When the staff would only agree to let Lindsay take $2000 worth of merch, she stormed out, probably shouting obscenities and "Do you know who I ams." Either all of Lindsay's money has disappeared up her nose and into her veins, or she's just an entitled little bitch who gets off on seeing how much shit she can get away with. That cute little girl from The Parent Trap has morphed into some hideous Winona Ryder/Joan Crawford/Courtney Love hybrid creature.

Miley Cyrus Hates Twilight, Likes Saying 'Like' - Assuming that anyone gives a shit about her opinion on anything, and in another desperate attempt to seem edgy and cool (see: older boyfriends, pole dancing, pretending to be a Radiohead fan), Miley speaks out against the Twilight phenomenon, dissing vampires and dismissing Twi-hards as "a cult." (Unlike the brain-dead tweens who cry until their parents shell out the big bucks for every piece of Hannah Montana merchandise available.) She explains, "And like, it's just, I feel it's like, seriously, it's like people get like really into it. And maybe it's 'cause I'm like people always like fall in love with the characters, I don't know. It makes me not like, I don't know. I'm not into it." OK then. Like, I've never seen Twilight either and, like, I've never been, like, interested in it, but I don't know, now that, like, Miley is so against it like I feel like I might want to, like, see it now. Like.