Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following items are curiously fascinating:

Channel Surfing in That Big Barcalounger in the Sky - Ken Ober, host of the late '80s - early '90s MTV game show Remote Control, died on Sunday at the age of 52. And there goes another very important piece of my adolescent years. I wrote about Ken a few years ago, wondering where he had disappeared to, and now this. *sigh* The cause of death has yet to be determined, but apparently Ken had complained of a headache and flu-like symptoms the night before he died. I wonder if it could have been an aneurysm?

Paris Hilton Likes the Rough Stuff - Cops responded to a call about "drunk people fighting" early this morning. (It wasn't me this time. I went to bed early last night, so there.) Turns out it was Paris Hilton and her boyfriend Doug Reinhardt. Doug was about to flee the scene, but Paris ran out to the driveway and loudly begged him not to go. So, they shoved each other around a bit and headed back into the house, where Doug probably choked her again. Cops showed up, but left after questioning Paris. Perhaps the police are hoping for a good old fashioned murder/suicide, which requires less paperwork than assault and battery.

Johnny Depp Named Sexiest Man Alive - This is Johnny's second Sexiest Man title, putting him in a very small club of "two-timers," with Brad Pitt and George Clooney. Not that I disagree with Johnny's timeless sexiness, but come on, People magazine! Are you really that lazy? Way to just phone it in with an obvious "go-to guy." Johnny hasn't even really done anything this year. How about giving some deserving new guys a shot? Jon Hamm, Paul Rudd, Joel McHale, Mark Salling, Bradley Cooper...the list goes on and on. I'd even be fine with Gerard Butler, who I'm incredibly sick of but can't deny his hotness. And, HOW HAS EWAN MCGREGOR NEVER WON THIS DAMN THING? Seriously. That's just wrong.

Exhibits A-Z on Why Kids Should Stay Off the Crack: Lindsay Lohan - So, last month, LiLo "borrowed" some jewelry from a Paris showroom and just last week, she tried to con Kellan Lutz into footing her liquor bill at Crown Bar. Most recently, the littlest Firecrotch threw a tantrum when staff at Hollywood boutique Kitson wouldn't let her help herself to $15k worth of clothes and accessories. Linz was being paid to appear at the launch of a new watch line by Jermaine Dupri and jewelry designer Pascal Mouawad. As an added perk, Mouawad also gave her $1000 to spend at Kitson. However, Little Miss Crazy acted like it was Supermarket Sweep up in that piece, grabbing 15 times more than her little toothpick arms could carry. When the staff would only agree to let Lindsay take $2000 worth of merch, she stormed out, probably shouting obscenities and "Do you know who I ams." Either all of Lindsay's money has disappeared up her nose and into her veins, or she's just an entitled little bitch who gets off on seeing how much shit she can get away with. That cute little girl from The Parent Trap has morphed into some hideous Winona Ryder/Joan Crawford/Courtney Love hybrid creature.

Miley Cyrus Hates Twilight, Likes Saying 'Like' - Assuming that anyone gives a shit about her opinion on anything, and in another desperate attempt to seem edgy and cool (see: older boyfriends, pole dancing, pretending to be a Radiohead fan), Miley speaks out against the Twilight phenomenon, dissing vampires and dismissing Twi-hards as "a cult." (Unlike the brain-dead tweens who cry until their parents shell out the big bucks for every piece of Hannah Montana merchandise available.) She explains, "And like, it's just, I feel it's like, seriously, it's like people get like really into it. And maybe it's 'cause I'm like people always like fall in love with the characters, I don't know. It makes me not like, I don't know. I'm not into it." OK then. Like, I've never seen Twilight either and, like, I've never been, like, interested in it, but I don't know, now that, like, Miley is so against it like I feel like I might want to, like, see it now. Like.


Bond said...

Can I just wash my face and get rid of all these boogers?


Shelly said...

Miley Cyrus hates Twilight? I think a little more highly of her now. Not that that brings her up to any real level or anything. Just y'know, a point in her favor.

red said...

Seriously, WTF is wrong with LiLo?!

Alice said...

did you also see the miley interview where they ask what JayZ song she was talking about in her new song, and she's all "oh, i have no idea. i don't listen to him, like, ever. someone else wrote the song."

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Wait...Ewan McGregor hasn't been named sexiest man alive yet? I'm a hetero male, and even I know that's wrong.

Hmmm...maybe hating Twilight will soften my view of Miss Miley. Or, maybe she's just bitter because she's already sold her soul and can't have it taken by a vampire. *shrugs*

Richard @ The Bewildered Brit said...

I think you like totally like made my eyes like bleed with that like quote from Miley "Like" Cyrus.

It's like bad enough having to like hear her like sing, let alone like having to like read her incoherent like babbling words. Like. :)

cube said...

I am the mother of two teen girls - one who has read the books and seen the movie, the other has had nothing but derision for the entire enterprise.

I'm in the middle. What's a good mom to do with all these eye boogers ;-)

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

"The littlest firecrotch" is hilarious.

The Ken Ober thing startled me. Such a staple of my high school years, but I had completely forgotten about him.

SkylersDad said...

I echo mjenks on the Ewan thing, I mean come on. 20 times hotter than Depp!

And I think I am moving LiLo up in my dead pool. That girl is driving the rocket sled to hell.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Is it wrong that I want to pummel Lindsay Lohan repeatedly? She's an entitled, spoiled, stoned little bitch. I mean when was your last hit movie, Lindsay? Exactly.

I thought Paris and Doug broke up months ago. I'm impressed. There IS a man dumb enough to put up with her on a long term basis. I don't think you can fault him for a little shoving. I'd have throttled her years ago.

I'm kidding. Mostly.

dguzman said...

I think I must have a serious case of savior-complex when it comes to LiLo. For every "what the feck is wrong with her!?" I say, in my mind I'm thinking, "she could be so hot if she weren't a crack ho! Maybe I could save her from crack ho-dom!"

What's wrong with me? Whatever it is, I doubt "her little toothpick arms" could fix it, sadly.

dguzman said...

omg, did I just admit that I think LiLo could be hot?


Barbara Bruederlin said...

Miley Cyrus might just be the best marketing tool that the Twihards have got in their arsenal.

Scott said...

Part of me died with Ken Ober.

But I bet he'd be amused that he could now be a question in the classic Remote Control category "Dead or Canadian?"

J. Hi said...

Aaawww, Ken Ober. Loved "Remote Control."

Joel McHale--yes!!

How could you insult Winona, Joan and Courtney that way?!

I sort of, kind of, half-way liked Twilight until I saw "True Blood." Now I think it's just dribble. But I am still going to see the movie. :)

Candy's daily Dandy said...

I read that Paris is pissed at Kim Kardashian because she introduced her to the world and now she's a bigger star than Paris.

and...she's concerned about world peace.

Game on over at my blog!! Contest time is here.

Paticus said...

I have never been named People's Sexiest Man either, and I'm getting pretty sick and tired of it.

Penny said...

Ooooooooh Miley...
I saw an interview with her where the person asked what Jay Z song was she referring to in her song Party in the USA and she responded that she doesn't like/know who Jay Z is and she doesn't listen to "that" kind of music and she just did the song as a filler.
Wow. Manufactured idiot.

As far as Sexiest Man..I agree..Joel Mchale :) Why the hell hasn't Ewan won this?

Del-V said...

I think I should have been People Magazine's sexiest man alive.

cube said...

Crap. I can't believe the news about Ken Ober. I watched the show & can't believe he went so young.

Red said...

So wrong! Oh, Ewan! He's even displaced Ryan Reynolds as #1 on my top 5. And RR is seriously hott himself. Though I wouldn't leave EG for either of them. (And he would so dump my ass for Tina Fey!)

words...words...words... said...

In fairness to the people at People, they wanted to make me Sexiest Man Alive, but I declined. I'm not about adulation, it's all about the work for me.


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