Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Happy Mid-Life Crisis, Sesame Street.

Many of our favorite Sesame Street characters are celebrating 40 years in the neighborhood, but a few have no intentions of aging gracefully. Also, the fame might finally be getting to their heads. Observe:

Oh, I love recyclables! Anything plastic or paper or cardboard...Oscar the Grouch has suddenly decided that he's very concerned about the environment and has traded in his trash can for a recycle bin outside the Starbucks over on Third Avenue. In exchange for shaming people into recycling with caustic remarks, Starbucks gives Oscar all the coffee, bran muffins and adult contemporary CDs he wants. His new "crunchy granola" attitude may be causing a rift between him and girlfriend Grundgetta, who still loves regular old trash and is also a tea drinker.


Your body is a wubba wubba wubba wubba woo woo wonderland...Grover is taking full advantage of his still-boyish looks that are the envy of every other Sesame Street resident. He's recently invested in a John Mayer-inspired hairpiece and taken the bare minimum of guitar lessons needed to master Mayer's brand of soulless, inoffensive music that somehow makes the girls go wild. And it seems to be working, as word on the street is that he's been romancing a bevy of babes. In the past month alone, he's been linked to Betty Lou, Rosita, Prairie Dawn, Jennifer Aniston and even the Count's estranged lady friend, Countess Dahling von Dahling (more on that below).


Kristen, I'm going to count your facial expressions. One...ONE! ONE expression! Ah ah ah!It's kind of surprising that the ageless Count von Count would care much about the passage of time, but perhaps he's just wishing he were in swingin' Transylvania and rebelling against his pleasant, suburban, family-friendly surroundings. After dumping his long-time partner, he replaced his trademark monocle with some designer shades, had some dental work done, and copped not only Robert Pattinson's hairdo, but also his chick. Yes, The Count has been seen squiring Kristen Stewart all over town, most recently to Chrissy and The Alphabeats' private, star-studded CD release party. Although "Countsten" refuses to comment on their status, town gossip Big Bird claims to have seen the pair snogging outside Mr. Hooper's store.


Put down the ducky, beeyotch.The most shocking news of all was Ernie's sudden decision to split with Bert, his partner of fortysomething years. In a recent interview, Ernie told Sesame Street News Flash's Kermit the Frog that he'd just had enough of Bert's mental and emotional abuse, and revealed that his former flame was into some "disturbing paper clip fetishes" and suffered a crippling addiction to pigeon porn. Bert took to Twitter to deny Ernie's allegations while hurling some of his own—namely, that Ernie physically assaulted him once with his rubber ducky and that he had carried on a secret affair with Guy Smiley for years. Ernie has denied Bert's claims, calling his ex a "monobrowed moron."

Then, mere days after revealing to Kermit that he had no plans to date any time soon (stating that he needed to "work on himself"), Ernie showed up to the 40th Anniversary party on the arm of newly-single Adam Lambert, 13 years his junior! Ernie didn't hide his affection for the young singer, which launched Bert into another Twitter tirade, plastering the dirty details of his and Ernie's dysfunctional relationship and breakup online.

More on these stories as they develop...

19 comments:

katrocket said...

Such a fun post, BeckEye!! I LOVE the Glam-Bert and Ernie photo!

Coaster Punchman said...

I've always identified with Bert and was upset when rumors of his abusive nature started to surface.

Carol said...

When I was a wee brat I always thought Bert was mean and really didn't like him much. I am glad Ernie attacked him with his rubber ducky!!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I see the Count has a strong handle on Kristen's facial expressions. I wonder what's going to happen when she's 40 and decides to have Botox. Maybe she'll just be paralyzed? Or there'll be no difference at all.

I also never noticed till now how much the Count looks like Bob Dylan...

Billy said...

Simply put: Awesome post. Lightened my day!

Some Guy said...

Outstanding! This explains why I saw Big Bird with a new shiny red Porsche convertible. I'm doubting it had anything to do with what he called a "deep appreciation for high-performance German automobiles."

SkylersDad said...

That photo of Adam and Ernie is the best thing I have seen - ever!

Doc said...

Only you could do a Sesame Street gossip column.

Only you!

Doc

Gwen said...

This was so great that I wish I'd thought of it.

Penny said...

hahahahahahah..

The count looks hot with R-Patt's hair :)

Barbara Bruederlin said...

"Monobrowed moron" - that's harsh! Who knew that Ernie would grow a pair?

Soda and Candy said...

Glambert & Ernie, hahahaha.

Brilliant work BeckEye, I heart your Photoshop skillz.

J. Hi said...

LOL!!!

I also saw on TMZ where Cookie Monster took a swing at Perez Hilton as he screamed, "Me want to beat you down, bitch!"

words...words...words... said...

Hilarious! I love the Adam Lambert head on Bert's body. I think Ernie might be pulling a Vertigo and making Adam dress up like Bert.

Also, I never realized how much the Count looks like Tom Cruise.

Bond said...

Fame ruins everyone dammit - everyone

Rabbit said...

Brilliant!!!!

Cora said...

*tears rolling down my face*

You slay me, BeckEye!!!! Countsten had me laughing out loud, but Adam and Ernie-- SHEER FREAKING GENIUS!!!!

carissajaded said...

that is great. I especially love the Count morphing into Robert Pattinson. I have had the count counting in my head ever since yesterday. One year of Sesame St. Two Years of Sesame St. FORTY yrs of Sesame Street. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA.

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

LOL!! This is great.

 

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