American Idol 9: Da Bores

Last night, the AI audition train rolled into Chicago and somehow I managed to stay awake and somewhat calm for the most horrible group of auditioners to ever grace my television set. Thankfully, it was only a one-hour episode.

Kara was already on my nerves by minute two when she blathered on about how much she worshipped guest judge Shania Twain. Interestingly enough, even though Kara always sits next to the guest judge, this time Randy sat in between them. Don't even kid yourself into thinking that Shania didn't specifically request a buffer between her and Kara the Idiot Stalker.

(By the way, can I say how disappointed I am that these auditions weren't held in Salt Lake City? I would have had such a great title for this post — "American Idol 9: Man, I Feel Like a Mormon." Wakka wakka wakka!)

Day 1...

The first auditioner was Katelyn, who I thought was wearing a headdress from the Lion King musical. Turns out that was just her hair. She also attempted to become one of this season's Very Special Contestants (VSC) with the lamest sob story ever: her parents are...wait for it...wait for it...DIVORCED! Oh no!! Well, what she lacked in VSC material, she (kind of) made up for with her vocals. She was pretty good. I wasn't, as Simon might say, jumping out of my chair, but Kara was. She was practically salivating, already thinking about turning this girl into a total slutbag, like she did with Alexis Grace last year. When will these contestants learn to just do the opposite of everything Kara says?

Next up was Amy, a quirky, chipper girl with a Seacrest fixation. She did a weird version of an Aretha Franklin song, complete with stage dramatics and boob thrusting, much to the panel's befuddlement. Her voice was a bit forced and theatrical but it wasn't necessarily bad. The judges passed.

Then came Charity, an annoying Barbie doll who sang "Summertime," probably in the hopes that it would remind Simon of his darling Fantasia. Her voice sounded like...well, I'm not sure how to describe it. But I'll try: a couple of pigeons fighting over a worm inside Nelly Furtado's mouth. The judges thought she was "unique" though, and gave her a golden ticket. And then they blathered on about how they couldn't believe she was ONLY 16!!!

Now, why would the judges say no to Amy and yes to Charity, when neither of them was particularly talented, and Amy actually had the better personality and less grating voice? Well, my dears, Amy was fat and Charity was skinny. Case closed.

The parade of "colorful characters" montage kicked in to lighten the mood a bit before Angela Martin brought her black cloud into the audition room.

Yes, Angela is a VSC but it's hard to make fun of her. She's not just using some heartwarming sob story to get her 15 minutes of fame — she is pretty much the unluckiest person in the world. When we first met her in Season 7, we learned that she has a daughter with Rett Syndrome, a neurodevelopmental disorder. She got a golden ticket that year, but her father was murdered two weeks before the Hollywood round, so she dropped out. She came back in Season 8 and made it to Hollywood, but her second chance was derailed when she was forced to quit because of a mandatory court date stemming from an outstanding traffic violation. Last night, she was given her third golden ticket after a nice rendition of Mary J. Blige's "Just Fine." She later suggested that "the storm is over" and this is her year. Oh man, I really wish she hadn't said that. Because it's now being reported that her mother has been missing since Christmas, and her car was found on New Year's Eve. That doesn't sound good.

By the end of Day 1, only eight people made it through to Hollywood. How can Chicago, home of the Blogosphere's Crush, Grant Miller, be full of so many untalented jerks?

The horror continued on Day 2...

Some guy named Curley showed off his impression of a dog whistle. Unfortunately, neither Taylor Lautner nor a pack of wild wolves descended upon the audition room to tear everyone limb from limb.

I thought I was in for a treat when Brian from Pittsburgh showed up. PITTSBURGH IN DA HOUSE!!! Woo...ohhh no. I really don't want to brag about this guy being from ye olde hometowne. He acted like a jackass and miserably failed all of his half-assed attempts at comedy. But he was a perfect representation of the Single Pittsburgh Man, which might give you all a little more insight into why I left in the first place. And now I'm starting to wonder why the hell I'm going back. Please tell me all the hot, normal guys are divorced by now.

Harold wanted to be a star because he was tired of eating microwave dinners. Oh please. Like all non-celebrities have to eat is microwave dinners. Hasn't he ever heard of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches? Ramen noodles? Tuna straight out of the can? Anyway, he threatened to hold a note for, like, two minutes so that the judges would grill him a steak, but he did nothing of the sort. But he did cry like a bitch who just found out someone ate his last Hot Pocket when the judges told him no.

Fat White Girl #2 kicked off the next barrage of losers. If AI has taught us nothing else, it's that you can be fat and you can be white, but you can't be both.

Token Asian Guy wouldn't stop shaking his head when he sang, which made me feel sicker than I already was. Kara got pouty when Shania horned in on her "dirty girl" act by making some sly sexual innuendos. The judges gave Token Asian a golden ticket while marveling over his "surprising," soulful voice, because they had no idea what to expect when he walked in. (Translation: Wow! You don't sound like William Hung OR Mr. Miagi! Confucius say, "Welcome to Hollywood!" Now, do some Kung Fu!)

The last featured auditioner was someone a little easier for the judges to understand — hooray, an average white chick! Oh, but Paige Dechausse was not about to try to make it on her vocals alone. She was a VSC, too, dammit! She has asthma! Suck on that, girl with the divorced parents! There was a little more to her asthma story, of course. Apparently, she went into anaphylactic shock when she was younger and was only given a 30% chance to live. But her mother made sure Paige always had her headphones with her, which helped her to miraculously recover with no brain damage. HEALED BY THE POWER OF MUSIC! SO SHE MUST GO TO HOLLYWOOD!

I'm (not really) sorry if I sound like an asshole now, but I'm so sick of these Lifetime movie moments. Look, I'm glad the girl is okay, but Paige was yet another average singer who made it through (mostly thanks to Shania and Kara's prodding of The Dawg) simply because she looks good on camera and has had some back luck in her life. How many better singers with no juicy backstories do you think were probably sent home to make room for her? At least we can say that the person with the most tragic life — Angela Martin — can really sing.

I felt like I had to puke through most of that episode, but nothing would come up. But the dry heaves finally gave way to something more productive after the judges gave Paige her golden ticket. As she stood outside the audition room happily rejoicing with her family, the camera zoomed in on Paige, who whipped out her inhaler and took a mighty puff.

I hate throwing up. But sometimes it's the only way to make yourself feel better, you know?

A trio of forgettable guys (including a pretty damn good Bryan Adams impersonator) were put through to Hollywood, which put a cap on Day 2 of the WORST. AUDITIONS. EVER. Only 13 people from Chicago made it to the next round.

Tonight, the judges are in Orlando. I've been to Orlando and I've heard plenty of bad singers, so I'm going to pub trivia instead. If I can find a replay of the show somewhere (yep, I'm still DVR-less), maybe I'll post a recap at some point, but don't hold your breath. (Insert asthma joke here. Unless it's about Jerome Bettis.)