Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following items are curiously fascinating:

One Hundred People Like Me - Over the last few days, right when I started to forget that I had a blog, I hit the 100 Followers mark. Amazing. It really did give me a tingle, mostly because I love nice, round, firm numbers. Of course, now that I've said this, five of you will probably decide to bail.

One Hundred People Like Jay Leno - And yet, he's been re-gifted The Tonight Show. Perhaps my dream to become the Queen of Late Night is not really that far out of reach. (By the way, Conan's last show? Gingeriffic.)

Brangelina Split Up..bup-bup..They're Still Together - On Saturday, the Internetz nearly broke when the news about Brad and Ang breaking up hit the Webwaves. I even got to create a list of reasons WHY the Brangelinic entity split back into two separate parts, but then Perez Hilton and a bunch of other unnamed sources tried to make all my pointless speculation, well...pointless, by fiercely insisting that the couple is still very much together. I don't buy it though. Come on, she doesn't want to kiss that skanky beard anymore and he's about ready to call the people from Hoarders on her compulsive adopting ass.

John Edwards: The Next Tommy Lee - Gawker recently reported that John Edwards and his baby mama Rielle Hunter made a dirty, dirty sex tape (er, DVD) that reveals the former Presidential candidate's Johnson is more Lincoln-sized. I'm not sure how much farther this jackhole can fall, but I'm sure that reality TV will be there to catch him.

Internetz Goez Bananaz For New Gorillaz Song - Well, it DID leak and then when everyone went ape-shit, Gorillaz officially put it up on their website and YouTube channel. The song ("Stylo," featuring Bobby Womack and Mos Def) is a bit repetitive, but it's got a great groove. I'm pretty excited to hear the whole record (Plastic Beach is due out in March) because Damon Albarn has said that it's going to be the "poppiest" one yet. Hopefully people (snobs) will one day realize that "pop" is not a dirty word.

LiLo Wants Her Money, Bitch - After all these years of playing a crack whore, Lindsay Lohan is finally gonna see some real whore money. (Well, Pretty Woman whore money, anyway.) Some dirty old Eurotrash man is paying her to be his date for February's Vienna Opera Ball. Apparently, he takes a different celebutard every year: his past dates have included Nicolette Sheridan and Paris Hilton. Perhaps she could just ask to be paid in crack and razor blades (the better to cut herself with, my dears) and save everyone some time.

General Larry Platt Wants His Money, Bitch - Since Larry Platt debuted his original tune, "Pants on the Ground" on American Idol, everyone has been singing it, creating mashups, and just generally using it for their own pleasure. Larry hasn't seen a dime during all of this, so naturally he's hired a lawyer to help him cash in on the craze he created. But now there come reports that maybe the song isn't really Larry's! Two Michigan-based unknowns, The Green Brothers, claim that Larry basically just stole their copyrighted song, "Back Pockets on the Floor." It is pretty similar...it's kind of a stream-of-consciousness rant against hip hop fashion by an elderly dude. I'd hate to think that Larry is really a thief, but it's pretty suspicious. Or maybe all old dudes think alike?

Whatchoo Talkin' 'Bout, Bitch? - Gary Coleman was arrested on Sunday in Utah. Cops were initially called to his home for a "domestic disturbance," which they found no evidence of, but did discover that he had an outstanding "failure to appear" warrant from an unrelated incident. And, oh who cares what he was arrested for. The most important thing is this: BEST. MUGSHOT. EVER.