Lindsay Lohan: New Year, Same Old Crazy

Oh, LiLo. How can we ever get down about the passage of time when we know that she will always be here to keep life interesting? While we were all busy making half-assed and halfhearted New Year's resolutions, here's what everyone's favorite Firecrotch (sorry, WWW) has been up to:


12/30/09 - Revealed plans that DNMA Apparel is actually insane enough to manufacture her latest huge, embarrassing failure of a clothing line. The savvy business woman in Linz made the official announcement via—what else—Twitter: "i need MORE followers i am so sad about this, how can i tell everyone about my 6126 full collection COMING OUT! all clothing.” Yeah, how will she ever get the word out?? Has she forgotten that every time she sneezes, there are about 250 reporters standing there, each holding out a Kleenex? (I was going to use the funnier shit/toilet paper analogy, but then I remembered that you can't shit if you don't eat.)

12/31/09 - Spent NYE at Russell Simmons' party in St. Barth's. It must have been Dullsville, man, because LiLo spent most of the night tweeting. (Just add Twitter to her long list of crippling addictions. Does Dr. Drew have a special rehab for that?) Here goes:

“Starting my new year off with friends & family, the way it should be….. No boyfriends and the other drama.” Other drama = snorting lines off of random lesbians' asses?

“Wishing everyone a blessed new year in 2010! Everyone get ready for more (but positive-LOHAN MAYHEM!!!!!!!!) Thanks for all of your support!” To which Spongebob tweeted "I'm ready! Skank mayhem! I'm ready! Skank mayhem!" Meanwhile, I scratched my head wondering, "Whose support? What is she talking about? She does read the blogs, doesn't she?

“Me, HOV, beyoncé, Ali Lohan, @paufdenkamp @jessicaschul usher and many more ringin’ in the new year coz THAT’S WASSUP.” The name-dropping would be annoying if I knew who most of them were. HOV? Was she partying in the carpool lane?

“@cash_warren St Barths we GO HARD :) LOL”. I guess she decided that denying she screwed around with Jessica Alba's husband wasn't helping her career at all. Hmm, time for a cryptic tweet to make all the h8rs start gossiping again!

1/1/09 - Hung out on a yacht in St. Barth's. Tweeted: “My new years resolution is to stop letting the lucky few that have my heart, try2 constantly tear me down.” Translation: Get off my back, loved ones! You're sitting on the monkey!

She also posted this photo (never before has the term "twitpic" been so apt) to let all the shawties know she was on a boat, she was on a boat, look at her cause she was sailing on a boat. I'm sure to some people, this shot is sexy and glamorous, but to me it just looks like the last known photo of some drunk broad right before Filipino pirates abducted and sold her to a prostitution ring.

Oh, hey another twitpic of yacht madness. Hmm, maybe my Filipino prostitution ring theory isn't far off.

1/2/09—1/3/09 - No tweets. Probably catatonic.

1/4/09 - Tweeted (well, re-tweeted a Samantha Ronson tweet) about Casey Johnson: "Am so sick of those 3 letters, so tired of losing friends to something as senseless as a drug overdose. WAKE UP people." Um, Linz? Do you not think that maybe SamRo was talking about YOU, too?

1/5/09 - Spotted yakking on the phone while crying alligator tears. Apparently, she's upset because her friend Patrick "Pootie" Aufdenkamp (aha! one name from the NYE party list figured out) allegedly stole her sketches to create his own fashion line. I guess that proves my long-standing belief that you never trust a guy named Pootie. But something tells me that Pootie will be the one crying after he debuts that turd of a line. How bad of a designer must this guy be if he can't come up with better ideas than Lindsay Lohan?