Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Lindsay Lohan: New Year, Same Old Crazy

Oh, LiLo. How can we ever get down about the passage of time when we know that she will always be here to keep life interesting? While we were all busy making half-assed and halfhearted New Year's resolutions, here's what everyone's favorite Firecrotch (sorry, WWW) has been up to:

12/30/09 - Revealed plans that DNMA Apparel is actually insane enough to manufacture her latest huge, embarrassing failure of a clothing line. The savvy business woman in Linz made the official announcement via—what else—Twitter: "i need MORE followers i am so sad about this, how can i tell everyone about my 6126 full collection COMING OUT! all clothing.” Yeah, how will she ever get the word out?? Has she forgotten that every time she sneezes, there are about 250 reporters standing there, each holding out a Kleenex? (I was going to use the funnier shit/toilet paper analogy, but then I remembered that you can't shit if you don't eat.)

12/31/09 - Spent NYE at Russell Simmons' party in St. Barth's. It must have been Dullsville, man, because LiLo spent most of the night tweeting. (Just add Twitter to her long list of crippling addictions. Does Dr. Drew have a special rehab for that?) Here goes:

Starting my new year off with friends & family, the way it should be….. No boyfriends and the other drama.” Other drama = snorting lines off of random lesbians' asses?

Wishing everyone a blessed new year in 2010! Everyone get ready for more (but positive-LOHAN MAYHEM!!!!!!!!) Thanks for all of your support!” To which Spongebob tweeted "I'm ready! Skank mayhem! I'm ready! Skank mayhem!" Meanwhile, I scratched my head wondering, "Whose support? What is she talking about? She does read the blogs, doesn't she?

Me, HOV, beyoncé, Ali Lohan, @paufdenkamp @jessicaschul usher and many more ringin’ in the new year coz THAT’S WASSUP.” The name-dropping would be annoying if I knew who most of them were. HOV? Was she partying in the carpool lane?

@cash_warren St Barths we GO HARD :) LOL”. I guess she decided that denying she screwed around with Jessica Alba's husband wasn't helping her career at all. Hmm, time for a cryptic tweet to make all the h8rs start gossiping again!

1/1/09 - Hung out on a yacht in St. Barth's. Tweeted: “My new years resolution is to stop letting the lucky few that have my heart, try2 constantly tear me down.” Translation: Get off my back, loved ones! You're sitting on the monkey!

She also posted this photo (never before has the term "twitpic" been so apt) to let all the shawties know she was on a boat, she was on a boat, look at her cause she was sailing on a boat. I'm sure to some people, this shot is sexy and glamorous, but to me it just looks like the last known photo of some drunk broad right before Filipino pirates abducted and sold her to a prostitution ring.

Oh, hey another twitpic of yacht madness. Hmm, maybe my Filipino prostitution ring theory isn't far off.

1/2/09—1/3/09 - No tweets. Probably catatonic.

1/4/09 - Tweeted (well, re-tweeted a Samantha Ronson tweet) about Casey Johnson: "Am so sick of those 3 letters, so tired of losing friends to something as senseless as a drug overdose. WAKE UP people." Um, Linz? Do you not think that maybe SamRo was talking about YOU, too?

1/5/09 - Spotted yakking on the phone while crying alligator tears. Apparently, she's upset because her friend Patrick "Pootie" Aufdenkamp (aha! one name from the NYE party list figured out) allegedly stole her sketches to create his own fashion line. I guess that proves my long-standing belief that you never trust a guy named Pootie. But something tells me that Pootie will be the one crying after he debuts that turd of a line. How bad of a designer must this guy be if he can't come up with better ideas than Lindsay Lohan?


Ed Adams said...

If I didn't know better, I'd think you had a thing for Ms. Lohan.

just sayin.

Penny said...

wow...she's a freaking train wreck

Anonymous said...

You know me, I just live for a Lindsay Lohan thread but right now my head just exploded. Does anyone EVER understand what the hell she's talking about? She's like the new Courtney Love.

Also I'm fairly convinced that a party, to Lindsay, is just a room full of erect penises and she goes down a line sitting on each of them to make the vagina at the end jealous.

See, even that last paragraph made more sense than anything to come out of Lindsay's mouth lately. LIKE A COCK!

Sorry, it just happened. She gives me Tourette's.

SkylersDad said...

Veggie Assassin called it, she is the new Courtney. Possible she is trying for a new drug/cock/repeat as needed record?

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Man, in that first twitpic, you can almost see the crabs mingling in her bikini bottom.

I can make Spongebob references, too.

Carol said...

I agree with Penny, she is a train wreck on crack!

red said...

HOV is Jay-Z! Duh!

Anonymous said...

Damn. I have that same pic of me except I'm in a blue bikini. Now I'll look like a dumbass if I try to twitpic it.

Billy said...

I realize she doesn't deserve pity, but the fact that she might become the next Britney Murphy just so she can "get some o' dat badass pub" makes me almost feel sorry for her.

Can someone, anyone, please explain why people still want to sleep with her?

McGone said...

I'm just surprised we're saying Lindsay could "become the next Brittany Murphy." It seems like "Murphy pulled a Lohan" would have been a much more likely phrase. She's like the Gen Y Keith Richards.

words...words...words... said...

Regarding the pic at the top - I didn't know Liam Gallagher went blonde.

Richard @ The Bewildered Brit said...


That's all I have to say. I hope some day she gets herself together and makes a u-turn on the road she's driving down.

Happy Villain said...

I read this post and giggled, felt better about my own life, and then laughed out loud when I hovered over the picture and saw it titled "crackhead". :D

Barbara Bruederlin said...

She makes me glad to be me. So she is somewhat useful.

Barbara aka Layla said...

I have a feeling we'll be seeing her splashed over all the mag covers this year under the letters R.I.P.

This is sooooooo sad. I can't even make fun of her, she's too pathetic.

bearockr said...

lols.... Great comments on Lindsay ... *Train-Wreck* Lols ! Awesome !

Soda and Candy said...

Hahaha, Red beat me to it.

Also, isn't there a dreadful (possibly Wayans) movie called Pootie Tang?

Shelly said...

OMG, she is a disaster.


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