Wednesday, March 10, 2010

American Idol 9: Eight Men Out in the Middle of the Road

Apparently, Ryan didn't think last night's intro lineup for the girls was quite ridonk enough, as he's outdoing himself tonight. He walks down the line of guys like he's Sergeant Seacrest inspecting his platoon. Poor Alex Lambert looks like he really wants to laugh, but is reigning it in for fear that Seacrest will make him drop and give him something.

Then it's on to the next charade: trying to create some sort of sexual chemistry between Kara and Simon. Look, morons, it wasn't that funny when it was Paula and Simon, but at least it kind of worked. No one believes that Simon finds Kara attractive, and we all know that the only reason she's been inching closer to him all season is so she can get more screen time. Let's move on. This is American Idol, not American Harpy.

I could not believe my eyes, but some guy named Lee Dewyze sang that goofy song about "Fireflies." (Actually, it's not all that unbelievable, I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to bust a rhyme.) This is one of those rare moments when Kara and I agree on something. This time it's that Lee's version is better than Owl City's. She mumbled something about it being because of the lack of production value, but I say it's simply because Lee is a much better singer than Adam Young. Randy and Ellen like the song despite some "pitch problems," and Simon thinks it's just an okay performance, and one that Lee is capable of topping. Lee almost doesn't get to hear his critiques because Kara uses this time to keep nudging Simon and trying to make it all about her.

Commercial break! You know, I think Kris Allen is a real sweetie, but if I have to see his Ford commercial one more time I'm going to lose my mind. He's not exactly a persuasive pitch man. "I...uh, put my music in...the...CD player. And...uh, it's in there. The" That's great. But just when I'm about to start mindlessly flipping around the dial, here comes Zooey Deschanel, luring me back in by asking me to touch and feel her cotton. Now that's a good pitch. If FOX had only followed it up with one of CZJ's T-Mobile spots, I would be totally gay by now.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm pulling a Kara and making this all about me! Let's continue.

Alex Lambert is covering Ray LaMontagne's "Trouble," which means he's just about blown through his arsenal of throat singers. Seriously, I like this kid, but he really needs to cover something that's not smack dab in the middle of his wheelhouse. Also, he over-enunciates a lot, which is kind of irritating. But he's a cutie, so I'll let it slide. (Whatever. I'm allowed to be superficial once in a while. And I still hate the mullet.) Randy likes the song choice, but isn't "wowed." Ellen thinks Alex is a "mushy banana," whatever that means. We may need to call Paula in to translate. Simon tells Alex that he still needs to relax, and suggests that he imagine Randy in a bikini. The audience responds with a collective dry heave.

I hate to sound like Ellen here, but when I heard that Tim Urban was going to be doing the Jeff Buckley version of "Hallelujah," I thought, "Oh-oh! Not grrrreat!" However, he's kind of surprising tonight. It's really not bad at all. My only issue is this: why even bother to mention that it's the Jeff Buckley version when it really doesn't sound like it and we all know that Tim doesn't have even one-tenth of Jeff's range? That makes no sense. And not that I think Tim's version was anywhere near as good as the original Leonard Cohen version, but it sounded a bit more like that was the version he was shooting for. Well, whatever the case may be, all the judges applaud Tim tonight (with Simon taking credit for his turnaround), and Ellen jumps out of her chair to run onstage and give him a hug. I don't think Kara appreciates that. I can see the wheels in her head turning, trying to figure out how she can top that move.

Hey, guess what? Andrew Garcia is singing "Genie in a Bottle." That's right! He's taking a female pop song and turning it into a straight up acoustic number! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Oh dear Lord, can we please get rid of Gokey v2.0 already? He's proved himself to be a one-note performer for three weeks in a row now. It looks like my prayers may be answered because this performance is not rubbing any of the judges the right way. They all mention again how great his version of "Straight Up" was, and pretty much insinuate that he'll never top it. Now Andrew knows how, say, Gerardo feels when people only want to talk to him about "Rico Suave."

Casey James takes a seat to cover Keith (not Tim) Urban's "You'll Think of Me." His vocals are better than last week, but there's really no life there. The Dawg and I both think this song is a "safe" choice and that the performance is just "aight." Ellen thinks it's GREAT! Kara is "kinda back on the Casey train" (meaning that she never got know what I mean), and Simon probably won't remember who Casey is by the end of the show.

The country hits keep comin' with Aaron Kelly's cover of Lonestar's "I'm Already There." He has more of a country voice than Casey and this is a decent performance, but again it's just there. I have a feeling that this kid will be this year's Ricky Braddy—he might be one of the best singers there, but he'll probably get cut because he's dull and forgettable. Ellen and Kara each remind Aaron that he's 16, and then Kara goes on to bitch that this song (about a man calling his wife and kids from the road) isn't relevant to his life. You know, because he's only 16. (Apparently, she doesn't watch 16 and Pregnant. Or that other show about 16-year-olds knocking other 16-year-olds up and/or getting knocked up. Or The Maury Povich Show. Or the news.) And here is where Simon makes me love him again. As Kara is blathering on about how she doesn't "believe" this song coming from Aaron, Simon interrupts and says, "Kara, I think what you just said was complete and utter rubbish." AUDIENCE GOES WILD. BECKEYE GOES WILD. (Seriously, I totally lifted my shirt for that comment.) To be fair, I understand what Kara is talking about because, obviously, it's nice when a singer has an emotional connection to a song and he or she can really make you feel that emotion. But it's not always necessary. Especially not on a show like this. So I'm with Simon when he says, "It's just a nice song...get over it!"

I'm gonna steal one of Ellen's favorite intro lines again, just because I can. When I heard that Todrick Hall was going to be doing Queen's "Somebody to Love," I thought, "Whoa...oh-oh...I don't know how that's gonna be!" Because it honestly is my favorite Queen song, and maybe one of my favorite songs of all time. But Todrick sings it pretty well. He's definitely holding back though. It's like all of the judges' comments about his dancing and messing with the arrangements have made him afraid to really go for it. I think it could have been much better. This is the kind of song that can use some theatricality. Kara seems to think it was too dramatic, so I have no idea what the hell she was watching. Randy and Ellen are down with Todrick tonight, but Simon tells Toddy that he's "a Broadway singer." If you know Simon at all, you know this is code for, "I think you might be gay and I hate the arts." However, Simon does give Todrick props for not being boring on a night of mostly average performances, and thinks that he now has a chance to make the Top 12.

Michael Lynche gets the pimp spot and he busts out Kate Bush's "This Woman's Work." Definitely an interesting song choice. I think Michael's vocals started to slip a bit toward the end when he started jumping around, but overall he was pretty good. I'm not quite as blown away as the judges, who act like Michael just revealed the cure for cancer. Randy can only manage to sputter out a few words: "Dawg! YO! What?? REALLY!?!" Ellen crowns Michael "the one to beat." Simon calls this the best performance so far this season. And Kara finally figured out how to top Ellen: fake crying. Yes, she tries very unconvincingly to make us believe that Michael's performance moved her to tears. Dio-gag-me. I haven't seen sobbing this scripted since Syesha. Kara obviously just wanted Simon to "console" her...and, of course, she wanted more screen time.

So, which two guys will be leaving us? I think Lee could actually be in trouble because he went first and sang kind of a stupid song. But he has a good voice. And like Ellen told him earlier, "a lot of people have crushes" on him. (Sorry, Falwless, apparently you have "a lot" of competition.) The crushworthiness will probably save him. Todrick has been on thin ice, but I think he kind of came back this week. My gut is telling me that the world has finally grown tired of Andrew, so he will be out. And Aaron will most likely be the guy (16-year-old boy, I mean) with whom Andrew splits a cab to the airport.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.


Dream ChYmEc!nDy** said...

such a great post. I lways watch American idol. Really love it!

Anonymous said...

You should really re-think your comments about Kara's crying...those were not fake tears...she's been trying to have a child (and it's hard because she's pushing 40) and THAT'S why the song touched her so much.....don't EVER discount the emotional response of a woman trying to have a child

Shelly said...

Uh-oh, Becks, looks like you trod on some toes there.

I love your recaps because it spares me from watching that drivel!

Falwless said...

I think three people aren't safe tonight, and two of these will go home:

Todrick, Andrew, and Tim.

My money is on Todrick and Andrew.

And I cannot believe you'd even mention Lee going home! BLASPHEMY! And those girls can back the fuck up, I had eyes on DeWyze early. I'll cut a bitch.

Falwless said...

Oh, I meant to add, no way Aaron will go home. He's this year's Archuleta. Too many tween and granny votes are gonna keep him going.

Flannery Alden said...

Hate to disagree with you, but I thought that Aaron singing that song was kind of creepy/pageanty.

He should go and so should Neck Tattoo.

Alice said...

so helpful that we have anonymous here, who knows kara better than you!

i miss paula, and i don't even watch the show.

BeckEye said...

Well, Anon, Kara JUST got married recently. And I've not heard anything about Kara's fertility struggles. Even tried Googling it and came up empty. So, I'm not sure where you're getting your info. As far as re-thinking my comments...I can't really re-think my opinion. Her crying came off as completely fake to me. And I'm not the only one who thought so.

words...words...words... said...

I'm pretty sure that if Kara is having trouble getting pregnant, it's that nobody wants to have sex with her.

Penny said...

I kinda dig Alex's voice. I loved MIchael at the end and Kara's fake crying made me vomit into my own hair.


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