Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Oscars, Schmoscars

Welcome to The Pop Eye's 5th Annual Schmoscar Awards! Sorry there was a bit of a delay this year, but I'm going to blame that on my recent venue change. Well, no more delays. On with the show!

Hottest Chick of the Night: It was a tough field this year, as many of the ladies looked great on Oscar's big night. But I think I have to give it to Demi Moore. At 47, she was more stunning than any of the girls half her age. I wasn't sure I loved her dress at first (my first thought was that she looked like a very stylish mummy), but it only took seconds for it to grow on me. And it perfectly blended with her skin tone. I'm not sure that just anyone could have pulled that look off. (Last year's winner: Kate Winslet.)

Hottest Chick Runner-Up: Although part of me just wants to give this to Kate Winslet for being so high up on my lesbian list, I have to honor Penelope Cruz here, who just looked amazing. When she first became famous, I never thought she was that pretty, but she's aging like a man: really well. She seems to get more gorgeous every year. And that red dress was one of my faves of the night. (Last year's winner: Evan Rachel Wood.)

Hottest Guy of the Night: Robert Downey, Jr. He seems to win one of these "hot" categories a lot, and even though it's getting boring, I'm going with him again. I think it was the bright blue bow tie and the blue-tinted sunglasses that really did it for me this year. And the sneakers. And his funny bit with Tina Fey. (Last year's winner: Hugh Jackman.)

Hottest Guy Runner-Up: Zac Efron. He's old enough now that I can put him in this category without feeling like too much of a creepy old lady. Ah, he looked so cute. And so much better without that Hudgens thing clinging to him. (Last year's winner: Robert Downey, Jr.)

The Most Improved Appearance Award:
I begrudgingly give this award to Cameron Diaz. Begrudgingly because I don't really like her, but willingly because she fully deserves it. Maybe she finally fired her old stylist or whoever was responsible for helping her to originate the Schmoscar she previously won twice — Best Impression of a Dinner Napkin — because she looked gorgeous, head to toe. The girl is still annoying as the day is long, but hey, I don't give out Schmoscars for personality. (New category.)

And since no one was dressed like dinner napkins or hot dog toppings this time around, I've been forced to create some new "Impression" awards.

Best Impression of a Barbie Doll on Acid: Vera Farmiga. Seriously. That thing was ridiculous. She looked like she was stuffed into a giant magenta taco. (Note I didn't say "pink taco" because I'm classy.) (New category.)

Best Impression of a Beach Towel: Maggie Gyllenhaal. I thought she looked really pretty when I saw her sitting behind Jeff Bridges, but I guess that's because I could only see her head and shoulders. When I saw her red carpet photos, I suddenly got the "get that shower-fresh feeling all day" jingle stuck in my head. (New category.)

Worst Dressed: Zoe Saldana. Jada Pinkett Smith's doppelganger looked gorgeous from the waist up, but holy hell. How many Muppets had to die to make that skirt? (Last year's winner: three-way tie between Vanessa Hudgens, Meryl Streep and Tilda Swinton.)

Best Moment of the Night: There weren't really many. Even though I thought Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin were capable and often funny hosts, it was kind of a dull show, overall. I guess, as an '80s kid, I'll have to go with the John Hughes tribute. Although I wish a lot more of the Brat Packers would have shown up for it. (Last year's winner: Hugh Jackman's opening number.)

Worst Moment of the Night: Eh, I don't know. Again, it was just an average show, so there weren't many highlights OR lowlights. So, I'll give this award to the death reel. I never like it because it's like a tacky popularity contest, but this year was especially annoying because the cameras waited too long to pan to the pictures. If you weren't paying attention, you might think that Patrick Swayze was snubbed. He wasn't, but Farrah Fawcett and Bea Arthur were. I guess they were "too TV" to be memorialized at the Oscars...but Michael Jackson wasn't "too music." (Last year's winner: The musical medley.)

Biggest Tease: It's a tie between two John Travolta-related things. First, the mere fact that they just had him come out and talk for, like, 30 seconds to intro Inglorious Basterds. Second, this backstage hug between him and Kate Winslet. Now, that's a "John and Kate" I can get behind. And in between. Can I be the "plus one?" Please?? (New category, but Kelly Preston won the similar "Make BeckEye Insanely Jealous" award in 2008.)

The Pretty in Pink Award: No, not Molly Ringwald. This one goes to Queen Latifah, for looking stunning in another one of my favorite dresses of the evening. (New category.)

The Pretty in Purple Award: Now it's Molly Ringwald's turn. It was great to see good ol' "Sammy Baker Davis Jr." at the big show, and I thought she looked great. Loved that purple dress (wonder if she made it herself?), and she really out-Gingered herself. (New category.)

The IMMA LET YOU FINISH Award: Speaking of Gingers, this one obviously goes to Elinor Burkett, a big-mouthed lady no one knew before the Oscars and one we haven't stopped talking about since the Oscars. Turns out there's a dramatic story behind her interruption of Music By Prudence director Roger Ross Williams' speech (see video here), including accusations of stolen ideas and a lawsuit. You can read all the sordid details at Salon.com. My favorite part is Elinor's claim that Roger's elderly mother blocked her from getting up to accept the award with her cane. Awesome. Who could have predicted that the weirdest and most dramatic moment of the evening would come during the Best Documentary Short category? (New category.)

Best Personality Award: I know what I said before, but I just got to thinking, "Why don't I give out awards for personality?" There's really no reason not to. The inaugural winner of this award is a no-brainer: Gabourey Sidibe. She is just delightful. From her near-constant giggling to her red carpet-twirling to her announcement to Ryan Seacrest that her dress was "the money shot" of fashion porn, she reminded everyone that it really is an honor to just be nominated...and to be invited to such a fancy party. (New category.)

And finally, The Lisa Rinna Award (Formerly known as The "Why Does This Woman Get Invited To The Oscars When She Has No Reason For Being There Other Than To Wear a Slinky Dress and Show Off Her Perfect Body?" Award) goes to....Kathy Ireland. Lisa disappointed me by not showing up at the Oscars this year. Kathy actually had a reason for being there — she was interviewing people on the red carpet — but that still doesn't mean she belonged there. She was awful. So awful that the Internet thinks she was drunk. (Last year's winner: Lisa Rinna.)


Cormac Brown said...

I just wondering if that move is going to be called the "Elinor," or the "Reverse-Kanye?"

Cora said...

Robert Downey Jr just gets hotter and hotter and hotter.

*fanning self vigorously*

SkylersDad said...

My favorite moment has to be Tina and Robert, that was golden.

red said...

Kathy Ireland was really, really bad. And I so want to be friends with Gabby Sidibe.

carissajade said...

I am kinda obsessed with RDJr right now. That bowtie was all sorts of hot. I thought the biggest tease was Tom Hanks. I guess they ran out of time or something but the best picture announcement seemed super rushed.

I also loved the Tina and Robert moment. sighhhhh

CDP said...

I just love Gabourey Sidibe. She's so charming and funny in every interview. I hope she has a long and successful career.

words...words...words... said...

Robert Downey, Jr. was dressed like I'd want to dress if I were going to the Oscars, so I approve. I loved his matching glasses and tie. And I would have given Kate Winslet a repeat win. I cannot believe how such a gorgeous woman as Vera Farmiga looked so bad.

I think it's so odd how Tina Fey is really sexy when she's wearing normal or schlubby clothes with her hair drooping in her face, but it all evaporates when she gets dolled up. I think some women just look better that way.

Lastly, I think Roger Ross Williams and Elinor Burkett should go on Jerry Springer. I'd watch.

Anonymous said...

Hot damn woman, I agree with almost all of that. WTF? Demi looked stunning and I loved her skin tone dress. And Cameron looked great and I don't really like her either! I thought Maggie Gyllenhaal looked great too but out of place in a very tropical non Oscars dress.

The show itself was rushed and boring and was it just me or did that last award to the best movie just happen with no build up?

Alice said...

omg! yes! that weird ass barbie doll dress! everyone is GUSHING over it, and i just don't get it. i turned on the oscars for like 10 mins and saw her crammed into a chair wearing that thing and couldn't get over how ridiculous it was. PSH.

also the zoe muppet dress. i don't CARE how show-stopping it was, IT LOOKED STUPID.

Billy said...

Your awards are simply stellar, and most of them are difficult to dispute. Disagree with the Molly Ringwald thing. Thought she looked kinda pukey. Disagree with the "blah-ness" of this year, since I like it better when it's the Anti-Olympics and all that fluffy crap is minimized.

Thought Ben Stiller deserved an award from you.

Firmly believe Maggie Gyllenhaal, who might not ever be a Cruz or a Moore (and yes, both were HOT), could do things to me sexually that would fry my brain and leave me in a permanent vegetative state. What she lacks in pure beauty she makes up in molten lava.

Totally agree with you on the death reel. Don't make that a chance for a musical performance. And don't start with Swayze from 100 yards away. Bad bad bad.

John Hughes? Great. Coulda been greater.

And the Oscars will struggle to really amaze me until EW fails to predict every last one of the important awards. It's one thing to know the Titanic eventually sinks, but awards where people are supposed to act surprised kinda suck when no one is surprised. Except for Roger Ross Williams.

Shelly said...

Your awards are awesome! Totally agree.

J.J. said...

Awesome choices! And I've always thought it was her weird-looking nose that kept Penelope Cruz from being truly gorgeous.

Ed said...


The Hottest chic was Sandy Bullock.

Penny said...

hahah I love this. Plus I agree...Zac... *Drool*

I was wondering who that crazy old red headed battle ax was..thanks for clearing that up!


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