Wednesday, April 07, 2010

American Idol 9: 4/7/10 Results

I missed about the first 10 minutes of Idol tonight, which must have included an ultra-dramatic opening and a Beatles medley. I don't feel like I missed much. Unfortunately, I got to the show just in time for the Ford commercial, but I've buried the memory. I often pretend that they didn't really happen. Some day, I'll be in therapy (that's a given) and all of these horrible group sings and Ford commercials will come rushing to the surface, causing me to snap and jump out the nearest window.

Since there are only nine contestants left, Seacrest must find new ways to waste time. He starts first with the girls, calling Siobhan, Crystal and Katie one by one and asking them to step to the middle of the stage. While all three stand there, Ryan asks The Dawg if any of the ladies should go home. The Dawg barks twice for no. Ryan then tells Crystal that she's safe. To the remaining two, he reveals that one is safe...and...the...other, too!! Oh, Seacrest. You get me every time. You're not at all transparent, I promise.

With that out of the way, it's time for our first musical guest of the night: Jason Derulo. I have no idea who he is until Seacrest mentions that he sings "In My Head," at which point I look for anything heavy to bash in the TV screen. No luck. It's not surprising that Kara is responsible for unleashing this jerkoff on the music world. Seriously, HOW DOES NO ONE REALIZE THAT THIS SONG'S MELODY IS A COMPLETE RIP-OFF OF LADY GAGA'S "JUST DANCE?" HOW IS THIS GUY GETTING AWAY WITH THIS?? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD?? And apparently Jason isn't happy with just stealing Lady Gaga's song, as he's obviously borrowed some of Michael Jackson's dance moves and Adam Lambert's Idols Live shoulder-spiked jacket.

When Jason Dewhatever is finally done with his little routine, Kara has the absolute gall to talk about what a great songwriter this dude is. And Simon thinks he's wonderful, too. It's so funny to hear the judges snipe at the contestants every night about how they lack originality, or are too "over the top," or just plain "don't have the vocal chops" to make it in the competition, and then they turn around and go nuts over a display like this. Why don't they just be honest with the contestants and say, "Hey, _____, you're not really a great singer and you don't have an ounce of originality, but once we get you some slick duds, teach you a few funky steps and surround you with scantily clad dancers and a fog machine, your song about banging that random hottie at the club will go straight to number one. So, keep doing what you're doing and don't worry about our critiques. We've already made our minds up about who's winning this thing, but we've got a few months to kill."

Back to the results, yes? No. David Archuleta comes out to reprise his (well, not really his) version of "Imagine" that all the judges salivated over two years ago. He's aight. But that haircut! Man. It perfectly accentuates his elfin features. He really should get a redo on that. Little Archie has really grown though. He doesn't look quite as petrified to be onstage as he used to, and he says several sentences without saying "gosh" once. For some reason, Seacrest doesn't give Arch the royal star treatment. After they're done chatting, Ryan goes back to the results and pretty much says, "You know the way out, kid."

And because the hour is not nearly over yet, it's time to put the remaining Idols in two groups and waste time guessing which group is the Bottom 3. Group 1 is Lee, Casey and Tim, and Group 2 is Michael, Aaron and Andrew. It's not too hard to figure out that Group 2 is the Bottom 3. And the first one to be sent to safety is Aaron. I can already see what's about to happen here. TPTB are playing games.

Before we get to that, though, we must endure Rihanna. Now, I usually like her songs, but this is a big steaming plate of terrible. Apparently, she thinks that merely saying "I'm a rock star" over and over makes it true. Nope. Doesn't work that way. Ah, thank goodness it's over now. Go on and take a bow, Ri Ri.

Back to the results. Andrew is proclaimed safe, meaning that Big Mike has to sing for his life. Of course, he performs "This Woman's Work," which was his best-reviewed performance. And, of course, the judges save him. Does anyone NOT think this was a set-up? No way more people voted for Garcia than Big Mike. No way Big Mike was anywhere near the Bottom 3. The judges wanted to use the save soon, and they wanted to have one of their "big shockers," and so tonight they got both. I know that people think I'm crazy with some of my conspiracy theories, but I think people who have faith that this show is totally legit are the crazy ones. So nyah. No matter what Simon says, this is not a singing competition. It's a TV show, first and foremost. Tomorrow at water coolers all over the country, people will be talking about how ridiculous it was that Big Mike was almost eliminated and that Garcia slid by yet again. Da da da da da da...and that's what it's all about.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.


Heather said...

I caught the last 3 seconds of the show, saw that Big Mike had been saved and thought, what a way to try and up the ratings. Plus it means 2 people are going home next week. It is so rigged.

Mike said...

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Heff said...

Nice post.

"Jason Dewhatever", lol !

Without even mentioning that Ellen Degenerate could've easily starred as Disney's Peter Pan, it sounds like you're as fed up with Idol as I am.

elaine said...

I actually look forward to the group songs and Ford commercials. The cheese factor really appeals to me.

Candy's daily Dandy said...


Maybe they waz ascared of what Biggie would do if they let him go...

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Big Mike is a good save. He did a cool version of Elanor Rigby, even if he seemed a little like a Gnarles Barkley rip off.

Bond said...

So I hear that the girl who they booted last week (fill in the name) now says the judges should be nicer because they always criticize and they tell you to be original and then criticize when you are and yadda yadda yadda ...wait, do I still go on tour? I do ...OK then

Man they are working their way out the back door hey are indeed.

Chancelucky said...

I don't mind the idea of the "Save", but whoever thought it was going to pump up viewership didn't think it through. It might create a little drama, but I just don't see how it helps viewership.
They knock someone off, he sings, then the judges take a minute to confer and vote. There's no way for people to start twittering "Oh my God, we're going to lose Michael! I better watch this."

The least they could have done is to say "pick a Michael tuen, if he sells xxxx downloads between now and Tuesday based on how many judges votedf or him...." then he stays away from his newborn child for another week. All proceeds go to Idol Kicks Back....or whatever their charity wing is.

Is it true that the teabaggers want Simon Cowell to replace Justice Stevens?

Dale said...

I will believe in God again if Big Mike gets sent home leaving a large number of shouldhavebeengonehomeweeksago contestants for the judges to have to talk to.

Penny said...

Ryan is SO TOTALLY wierd this year....

It hurts to watch him.

deboner hillery said...

what a nice post

cube said...

Your review makes me super glad we opted out of watching AI this season.


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