American Idol 9: Elvis Had The Right Idea About Shooting Out His TV Set

It's Elvis night on AI and, accordingly, the Idols took a trip to Vegas last week. (Probably because the show didn't want to spring for the trip to Memphis.) While in the glitter capital of the world, they, accordingly, met up with Adam Lambert—last year's runner up and this week's mentor.

Glambert is also in the audience tonight to check out the show and see if the contestants took any of his sparkly advice. During his chat with Seacrest, Ry Ry mentions that Adam has an "extra two inches" tonight. What? Oh, he's talking about his hair. Oh, on his head. Then Ryan starts talking about Adam's tongue and, to shut him up, Adam starts talking about how much he likes Tim. Get it, Seacrest? Glambert's not interested in you. Move on.

Hey, there's Matthew Morrison! I'm so excited for Glee tonight!!!

Crystal Bowersox is up first to sing "Saved," sort of a gospel song that warns us of the dangers of smoking, drinking and dancing the hoochie-coo. Glambert urged her to go with the electric guitar on this, so she chooses a bedazzled one in his honor. Dreadsocks™ is good, as usual. Even though I thought she had an off night last week, she's come back strong and proven that she's still far superior to these other jokers. Randy calls her the second coming of Bonnie Raitt, while Ellen skips the critique because she's tired of telling Dreads how great she is. Kara is talking but I'm too distracted by Jane Lynch, who's sitting right behind her. Simon, well, we all know how Simon feels about Crystal at this point. She could show up in a Jesse James sex tape dressed as Eva Braun, and he'd still think she walked on water.

After he's done picking his nose on national TV, Andrew Garcia attempts to really gross us out by performing. In rehearsals, Adam straight up told him he was boring, but Kim Jong Gokey apparently didn't take it to heart because he didn't bother to change anything about his terrible, plodding arrangement of "Hound Dog." Congratulations, Andrew! You just managed to turn a great, energetic rock song into a steaming pile of hound dog shit. More of the Glee cast is behind the judges' table and none of them look very entertained. Neither do the judges. All except for Ellen, who actually likes this mess. I hear her other interests are standing in line at the DMV, getting root canals, and long walks on the beach with the Nationwide Insurance guy.

Now it's time for Tim Urban, who is the only one really keeping this season entertaining. Adam told him that his arrangement of "Can't Help Falling in Love" was "pretty" but that he should try singing the end in his falsetto. Tim seemed cool with that advice, but he doesn't actually follow it during the performance. But it's okay, because he sounds pretty good tonight. He doesn't even get derailed by Seacrest's slow dance in the aisle with Michael Sarver. Ellen compares Tim to doing tequila shots (I guess she's built up a tolerance to him now) and Simon says that he "went from zero to hero in two weeks." ("Zero to hero?" Boy, talk about fresh and current!) All of the judges praise Timmeh tonight, which again makes me think they're trying to use reverse psychology on the audience to make them think that Tim is safe so they won't vote. Don't fall for it, people. Keep the Turban on!

I keep seeing all these Glee peeps, but where the hell is Mark Salling?? He needs to be on my TV. Actually, he needs to be in my lap.

Instead of a little more action with Puck, we get "A Little Less Conversation" with Lee Dewzye. Adam thinks Lee has a great voice but has "nothing going on in his face." I don't think his session with Adam necessarily helped, because Lee still has nothing going on in his face. He sounds just fine, but he definitely needs help with the performance skills. This just needs a little something extra. Maybe more eyeliner, or some simulated fellatio. I don't know. All of the judges love Lee, but a few of them (namely Kara) tell him he should smile more. As opposed to Tim, who needs to smile less. Seriously, is anyone still listening to the judges' "advice" at this point?

Aaron Kelly announces that he's singing "Blue Suede Shoes" and I automatically think, "he's dead." I believe this is the first fast song this kid has covered. He makes a valiant effort, and tries to take Adam's advice to "put more energy" into it, but this just kind of falls flat. Aaron has a nice voice, but this performance is very karaoke. Randy and Ellen think Aaron had it about half right, and Kara says she actually likes Aaron out of his comfort zone. Simon, on the other hand, thinks Aaron was unoriginal and came off as old-fashioned.

Siobhan Magnus did a sixth grade report on Elvis, which is important for absolutely no reason. Glambert suggested that she speed up her "sleepy" arrangement of "Suspicious Minds," which she does. Well, for a while anyway. The second half is a little more bluesy. I don't think this is Siobhan's best performance ever, but I kind of like it. I think she's doing a good job of keeping the glory notes under control. Randy and Ellen think the second half was better than the first. Kara and Simon go on the "you don't know who you are" kick, with Kara complaining that she's confused by Siobhan's "two voices," and Simon claiming that she's lost herself. Without getting emotional like she did the last time she got bad comments, Siobhan fights back, saying that even she can't pinpoint who she is. And then she lets fly my favorite line so far this season (except for Crystal's "Danny Gokey babies" comment): "I don't think it's necessary to be labeled. I just love to sing." APPLAUSE...on my TV and in my home. Unfortunately, that attitude will get Siobhan nowhere on this show because if the judges love anything, it's putting people in boxes, locking them, and throwing away the keys.

Case in point is Michael Lynche, who is worried about being too "theatrical," because the judges don't like when he gets that way. Adam, however, tells him that he should keep that quality because it makes him interesting. There's nothing supremely interesting about his peformance of "In The Ghetto" tonight, though. Mike's vocals are fine, but I actually liked him better last week. I like when he's up moving around and really performing, because that's his strong suit. I have no idea why these idiot judges are trying to lock him into some sort of Ruben Studdard box. But since they are, they all love this performance.

Katie Stevens is trying to sass back the judges through song by covering "Baby What You Want Me To Do." Adam encouraged her to really show her frustration with the panel's contradictory advice in order to "sell" the song. I'm usually bored by Katie, but I think she's doing a pretty good job tonight, aside from some of those big "YOU"s, which are off-pitch and shrieky. Randy and Kara are very entertained, while Ellen is apparently horny. As he so often does, Simon plays the contrarian by calling Katie's performance "loud and a bit annoying."

Casey James gets the pimp spot to do "Lawdy Miss Clawdy," another in the long line of songs about ladies who really like to ball. Adam liked the arrangement, but thought Casey needed to work on his climax. I'm not even trying to make this stuff sound dirty, I swear. Casey is dropped on an island in the middle of the Idiot Pit and gives a decent performance. I think he needs to worry less about climaxing though, and concentrate more on that bleating. Dude needs to get the vibrato in check. The judges (even Kara, who I thought would love the song's story and Casey's climax) all feel that the performance was just average. As Randy says, it was "solid," but nothing we haven't already seen from Casey. And as Simon says, it was a "wasted opportunity." I agree. What was Casey thinking not going with something more memorable like "Heartbreak Hotel" or "That's All Right?"

So, who will be standing down at the end of Lonely Street tomorrow night? I think Andrew and Aaron are probably going to be sent home. No way Big Mike will be eliminated the week after he was saved. Even if he gets two votes, TPTB will not let that happen. And since the pack is really loaded with Y chromosomes, I doubt that one of the three girls will get bounced. But I think one girl may be in the Bottom 3, and that will be Katie. I think Tim has finally won over most of the free world, and will skate through again this week.

And now if you'll excuse me...GLEEEEEEEEE!!!!


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