American Idol 9: The Ninth Annual Ad Salesman's Wet Dream

Tonight someone will be crowned the American Idol. Either Crystal Bowersox or Lee Dewyze will hear the words that will make the heavens part and cause the angels to rearrange the clouds to spell out "WINNER." Someone will ride a shooting star into the winds of wonderment. Someone will slide down a magic rainbow onto a feather bed of dreams. Someone will experience a moment. Someone is about to have their "now"...now.

(Pssst. Hey, Simon Fuller. That was pretty good, right? Howzabout next year, you give Seacrest Simon's job and make me the new host. I'm really good at stupid hyperbole. Trust me. I will hyperb so hard, all of Los Angeles will feel it. Drop me an email and we'll talk.)

Sooo...it's time now for the anti-climax to the anti-climax. Crystal and Lee arrive wearing Catholic school uniforms and I automatically assume we're about to be assaulted with a really horrible AC/DC medley. But no. It's just a bad cover of "School's Out." At some point, Alice Cooper (led by a bunch of goth kiddies) actually shows up. Why, Alice? Why? It's nice outside. Shouldn't you be golfing?

Kris Allen sings. Pleasant. But I've already forgotten how the song goes.

Now we're treated to the first installment of the "Simon Cowell: Uncovered" video diary. This is all of Simon's "greatest hits" mixed in with a bunch of really un-funny shit.

Siobhan Magnus and Aaron Kelly begin singing "How Deep Is Your Love" (very nicely, I might add) and are soon joined by Barry and Robin Gibb. Barry sounds much better this year than he did when he appeared in Season 6. Actually, this might be a slightly cheesy song, but these four sound really good together. I'm enjoying this. (It doesn't hurt that any song from Saturday Night Fever instantly makes me think of John Travolta, which always puts me in a good mood. You'll get no jive-talkin' from me regarding this performance.) Siobhan particularly shines. She should really be competing against Crystal tonight instead of Lee. Even THE HOFF thinks so!

Michael Lynche and Michael McDonald team up for "Taking It To The Streets," which is just kind of meh. This pairing and song choice both seem rather odd. I wish they'd sung "I Keep Forgettin'." That's my jam.

Dane Cook arrives to sing his lame song that is just a bunch of Simon's insults strung together. Wow, so Dane just decided to steal Adam Sandler's act? Nice. A bunch of rejects from seasons past show up to jump around onstage. That Ian Bernardo dude doesn't stick to the script and tries to take over. And he cuts my girl Tatiana off in the process. Ass.

Lacey Brown reminds me of how terrible she was as she wanders onstage to warble the first line of Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful." Didi Benami reminds me of how much I hated her as she bitch-faces her way through the next line. Eventually, all of the Top 6 girls are onstage to sing and it doesn't sound great. Then they break into "Fighter," which sounds much better mostly thanks to Paige Miles and Siobhan's pipes. Xtina finally joins the girls at the very end of the song, then performs her new one, "You Lost Me," solo. Um, okay, so I think Christina has a great voice but what is up with her tonight? It's like she's trying out for the lead in Evita. And we already know that she can sing, so why is she trying to demonstrate her skills by alternating vocals at the top and bottom of her range and jamming 90 syllables into every word? She has some brilliant moments, but it's all just a bit too much.

Ricky Gervais sends Simon a good luck message via satellite and makes a few jokes about how much money Simon has. I'm sure Ricky's not hurting either.

Lee and Gokey v 2.0 are joined by the rest of the Top 6 boys on "I Can't Go For That (No Can Do)." Aha, I see where this is going! BRING OUT HALL AND OATES ALREADY! Suddenly, the guys break into a horrible Wham!-esque nightmare arrangement of "Maneater." HALL AND OATES!! HALL AND OATES!! HALL AND OATES!! Finally, Holland Oates saves the day by interjecting with "You Make My Dreams." I guess all the kids know this song because it was in (500) Days of Summer. Too bad little Alex Lambert didn't show up to do the Joseph Gordon-Levitt dance number.

Dreadsocks™ sings the first verse of "Ironic" before inviting Alanis Morissette onstage for a duet of "You Oughta Know." And I'm back in college. (Yay. I think I'll get drunk tonight and not go to work tomorrow.) I'm hoping that Crystal has a Jim Morrison moment by sing-shouting the real words to the song, but she plays by the rules and looks very unhappy to be singing, "Would she go down with you to the theater." Lame. Obviously, any verses that featured references to nails down the back or the F-word are avoided completely.

Carrie Underwood performs her new song, "Undo It," which sounds awfully familiar. Ah, Ryan announces that it was co-written by Kara. That explains a lot.

Next up is the Ford Festival: Before the last Ford commercial of the season (hooray), Kris Allen presents Lee and Crystal with keys to their custom-designed Fiestas. Lee says flatly, "I'm happy," while managing to keep his facial muscles completely still. (I wonder if Tim Roth could tell if Lee is lying? I wonder if House could tell if Lee's actually alive?)

Casey James bleats his way through "Every Rose Has Its Thorn," which can only mean one thing. Bret Michaels in tha house! This must be the next stop on his Celebrity Apprentice tour. Bret actually sounds great; it's Casey who sounds like he just got out of the hospital. Wow. Casey's had some off nights but I've never heard him sing that badly. Yikes. Well, everyone ignores him and gives Bret a standing ovation.

Because Lee Dead Eyes™ is from Chicago, he sings a medley of Chicago hits with Chicago. Oh God. WON'T THIS BOAT CRUISE TO HELL EVER END??

Now we get more of "Simon Cowell: Uncovered," which is basically a bunch of stuff about him flirting with the auditioners and judges and many clips of him rubbing his nips.

General Larry Platt storms the stage and gives a rousing rendition of "Pants On The Ground," surrounded by backup dancers who he is nearly out-dancing. That dude can move! And he can do crunches! Ah, dammit, William Hung is coming out to ruin everything. Seriously, that guy's time has passed. Like 90% of the musical guests tonight.

Paula sends a video message to Simon but then it's revealed that she's there in person to send him off properly. She looks fantastic in a short, hot pink dress. But my happiness over Pauler's return soon turns to annoyance as she does what she does best—blathers on for waaaay too long. Finally, she's done talking and intros yet another video of Simon's great moments on AI.

After the video, it's Kelly Clarkson, also looking fantastic. She's soon joined onstage by Ruben Studdard, Fantasia, Carrie Underwood, Jordin Sparks, Taylor Hicks (they remembered to invite him this time) and Kris Allen. Cookie is a no-show. They're all singing something about inspiration, which would normally elicit a few eye rolls from me, but this is actually a decent song and they all sound very good together. Then a shit-ton of other past contestants (all decked out in white, of course) join the winners onstage to sing backup as...(MICHAEL!)...Paula perches in Simon's lap. There is one girl in the group I don't recognize, and then it dawns on me that it's Mikalah Gordon. Wow, honey. Plastic surgery much? Are you in a competition with Heidi Pratt?

Simon takes the stage for his farewell speech. He claims to be very emotional, so he must buy his emotions at the same store that Lee does.

FINALLY something appears on my screen that genuinely excites me. The trailer for Toy Story 3!! OMGcan'twaitcan'twaitcan'twaitcan'twait. (Yes, I'm seven.)

The Top 12 are joined by Janet Jackson on "Again," and for some reason Janet is dressed up like Elvira. Except she forgot the wig. Then she sings a new song. Boy, for a song called "Nothing," it goes on for what feels like another nine seasons. But she's not even done yet! Janet sheds the vampire garb for another song, that crusty old gem, "Nasty." Because...well, I don't know why.

Ryan announces, "Tonight is about Crystal and Lee." Is it? If I were either of them, I would have been like, "Eff this noise," and driven halfway to Vegas in my new car by now. But they are not me, so they're still hanging around playing the waiting game. We get a video package of their journeys on Idol, which both began back at the Chicago auditions. The best thing about this is that it's set to Sufjan Stevens' "Chicago." I looooove this song.

Crystal and Lee duet on "With A Little Help From My Friends," and get a little help from Sir Joe Cocker. Is he a Sir yet? If he's not, he should be. I have no idea how Idol talked him into appearing, but there he is. I'm halfway expecting Fred Savage and Danica McKeller to show up and sing backup, but no such luck.

I can't help but be amused thinking back to all the times the judges have complained about contestants not being "current" or "relevant" enough. Apparently, they're from the "do as I say, not as I do" school because nine out of the 11 musical guests (I'm not counting Dane Cook, Larry Platt and the former winners' group sing) peaked at least a decade ago—most of them several decades ago.

Good ol' Edward Boddington delivers the hermetically sealed envelope and we finally get to end this mess. The winner is: Lee Dewyze! Wow, I'M FINALLY RIGHT ABOUT SOMETHING!!! Did I tell you guys that even though my predictions were really bad all season long, they get wiped out because I picked the winner? Yeah, that's a new rule. I'm sure it's in the fine print somewhere around here.

Lee shows a smidge of emotion and mangles "Beautiful Day" again. Somewhere in an Irish castle, Bono just hurt his back again trying to lean over and change the channel.

So, kids, that's it for Season 9. I've never been happier to see a season end. I usually fall into a post-Idol funk, but I really don't think that's gonna happen this year. And without Simon, I'm not even sure if I'll want to keep recapping next year. But we'll see.


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