Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The 7 Worst Christmas Songs

I know a lot of you grinches out there hate Christmas music in general, but I love it. The vast majority is pretty awesome. But there are some songs that make me want to jam boughs of holly through my ear canals. Hence, this post.

So, why only seven? Why not 10 or 15 or 20? Uh, because why would I want to subject myself to thinking about that many P.O.S. songs? These seven are plenty to fill my head with dreams of war on earth and ill will to men.

"Silent Night," traditional - I know. I'm going to Hell. But seriously, this song is sooooo boooooring. Not even the greatest singer in the universe could make this enjoyable. I know it's supposed to be very holy and all that good stuff, but come on! "Hark, The Herald Angels Sing" is peppy. What about "Joy to the World?" The tempo takes nothing away from the holiness. And then there's my favorite religious carol, "O Holy Night." Yes, still rather pious but it has some oomph to it. Perhaps what's really ruined "Silent Night" for me is my yearly trip to church for the midnight service, during which the tone deaf congregation is invariably forced to drone through this song.

Shame on these owners for torturing their adorable dog this way.

"Christmastime," Smashing Pumpkins - Seriously, who thought this was a good idea? I'm sorry, but I can't accept a Christmas song from a guy who looks like Nosferatu and sounds like someone's soul dying.

"Back Door Santa," Clarence Carter - Speaking of bad ideas...hey, what says Christmas more than anal sex? Apparently, Bon Jovi thought, "nothing," as they chose to cover this for the first A Very Special Christmas CD. Because what says the Special Olympics more than anal sex?

"Christmas Griping," R.E.M. - I like R.E.M., so I usually choose to forget this rambling set to music exists. I guess they thought this would be really alternative and cool and funny, but it's none of those things. Unless "alternative" in this case means "the opposite of something tolerable."

"Please Daddy Don't Get Drunk This Christmas," John Denver - Please Daddy, get drunk and smash that kid's record player.

"Wonderful Christmastime," Paul McCartney - I don't think there's another song out there that fills me with as much utter, irrational rage as this one does. I can't even put my finger on why I hate it so much. It's just an awful, terrible, repulsive, egregious song.

"The Christmas Shoes," NewSong - Now, I can put my finger on why I hate this one: IT'S NOTHING BUT MANIPULATIVE DRECK. Honestly, in real life, that stupid kid would be nothing more than a con artist who doesn't even know his mother. He dupes working stiffs suffering from Christmas guilt into buying him moderately-priced shoes, which he then passes off as Louboutins and sells them out of his trunk at "sale prices" of like $400.


SkylersDad said...

I don't think anybody ever really captured the spirit of Christmas more than the Royal Guardsmen...

BeckEye said...

I LOVE Snoopy's Christmas.

SkylersDad said...

I played it to death when I was a kid, drove my parents nuts!

J.J. in L.A. said...

A-frickin-men! Especially the 1st one and last two!

Mnmom said...

Can I add a few?
"Little St. Nick" by the Beach Boys.
That horrid Mariah Carey abomination.

Rudolph - LORD HAVE MERCY I hate Rudolph!!

Barbara Bruederlin said...

You completely had me at that awful Paul McCartney song! What a horrible piece of garbage, far worse than anything Wings ever recorded and that's saying a lot.

Thanks for filling me with Christmas rage.

Johnson said...

This list could have been so much longer; you're right. 99% of Christmas music is total shit. That Paul McCartney atrocity in particular must be responsible for at least a few holiday murder suicides.

Alice said...

OH MY HOLY JESUS how did i not know that "wonderful christmastime" was PAUL MCCARTNEY'S FAULT?! how could someone tied to some of the BEST MUSIC EVER MADE have done that? to my ears? to society?! if i had religion, i think i'd be losing it right now.

Logical Libby said...

Um, where is "Christmas Shoes" on this list? That song gives me seizures it is so horrible.

BeckEye said...

Libby, you must have had a seizure and blacked out before hitting the comment link, because that song is right above it! :)


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