American Idol 10: Mardi Blah

I don't know if I flipped on the show a millisecond too late, but already there is a random, weeping psycho banging on a piano and yelling in my face. I DVRed the best show on television (Community) for this?? Thank God it'll all be over before The Office and the triumphant return of Parks and Recreation! Jesus, I watch too much TV.

The New Orleans auditions kick off, not with several drunken girls baring their breasts (referred to in some circles as "going wild"), but with Jordan, just another dude singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." Good God. Since Jordan's a vocal coach, it's not very surprising that he's uber confident and sings well enough to get a unanimous "yes." What is surprising is how many syllables he managed to jam into the word "up."

A bunch of rejects whiz by on the screen, because this is the kinder, gentler Idol. The producers don't want to dwell on the trainwrecks. Especially if they take time away from the sob stories.

Sarah, who may or may not be one of Steven's many unknown illegitimate children, wins her maybe-daddy over immediately with her large lips and hip-nerdy-girl glasses. And she soon wins everyone else over with a rendition of Bob Dylan's "To Make You Feel My Love." Even though J. Lo proclaims Sarah "one of the best we've heard," the judges are pretty much programmed to say that to every 15th auditioner. I think Sarah has a fine voice, but she's not that good.

Next up is Javony, a spicy Cuban who looks like he would have fit in better at the Jersey auditions. After singing a song I won't even attempt to pronounce, he proclaims his love for Jennifer and her husband, Mark Anthony. And then, instead of just taking his golden ticket and going home, he takes his shirt off because his friends dared him to. Unfortunately, his display prompts Steven and Randy to show what they've got going on under their shirts—a science exhibit and the roof of the Superdome, respectively.

Everyone knows Jacquelyn is going through before she even opens her mouth. I mean, come on, she brought in old high school pics of The Dawg (a Nawlins native) and set up a reunion with his old high school football coach. She attempts a brunette Carrie Underwood impression and gets a ticket to Hollywood. But I don't expect to see much more of her.

I'm not sure if Brett qualifies as a Very Special Contestant or not. He's dweeby looking, has crazy red hair and is what Jerry Seinfeld might call a bit of a high talker. Naturally, he was picked on in high school, so he's here to prove that it's OK to be different. Brett better tread lightly...his horning in on Lady Gaga's territory. But I like this kid. He does a rather James Morrison-esque version of "Bohemian Rhapsody" and impresses the panel. Luckily, Kara isn't around to make the poor kid feel like he's back among the bullies by giving a 20-minute spiel about how she never expected someone who looked like that to actually know how to sing. Bored as I am so far with this season, I am so happy that bitch is gone.

Commercial break. I have to say something about these T-Mobile ads. First of all, why did they bring Catherine Zeta-Jones back if they were just going to get rid of her again so quickly? Secondly, what lazy, overpaid ad exec came up with the brilliant idea to just rip off the Mac ads? I can imagine him there in the boardroom going, "OH, but wait! It's totally different, because instead of a wussy guy like Justin Long, we have a GIRL! And she kind of looks like Anne Hathaway!" Come on. These are horrible. And the guy representing the iPhone freaks me out. He looks like a replicant. Really, what color is his hair? It's not a hue found in nature, I can tell you that.

Moving on...

What was I saying before about horning in on Lady Gaga's territory? Gabriel, another of Steven's love children, shows up to shake his bad hair and do bad things to "Bad Romance." His audition kicks off a string of horribleness. Damn this kinder, gentler garbage! I really wanted to see more of the cranked up rapper and the Raptor lady (I really don't know how else to describe her). Instead, we get some kid named Alex destroying "Proud Mary," which is surprising because I thought for sure he was a ringer when he announced that he attended Idol Camp. I guess he spent most of that summer discovering his sexuality. Or playing horseshoes. And no, that's not a euphemism for anything, pigs.

Jacee is a chubbier version of Justin Bieber: 15 years old, hasn't experienced the voice change yet, terrible haircut. He sings "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay," which makes me uncomfortable, as it always does when whitebreads try to prove they have soul. The judges eat him up, give him a glass of milk, pat his head and send him off to Hollywood.

The evening ends with VSC Paris. She got pregnant at 18, was told the baby had water in her ventricles and might not live, she had the baby anyway and, aside from some hearing loss, the kid seems to be fine. Oh man, this girl is pimping the whole baby drama hard. The first thing out of her mouth when the judges ask her to tell them about herself is, "I'm a mother of a special needs child." Seriously?? NOT RELEVANT. Those of you who think I'm being mean, ask yourselves if that type of response would be appropriate at, say, any job interview on the planet. Essentially, that's what an audition is. Maybe she should mention how long she's been singing or anything that's at all related to why she's there. People like this (hi, Gokey) just piss me off. While Paris is singing some Carrie Underwood song about a down on their luck family (of course), J. Lo forces out a tear. The judges send Paris off to Hollywood, where either Idoldom or a Lifetime movie of the week awaits.

Joining the Jersey 51 in La La Land are 37 folks from tonight's auditions. Of this first 88, the talent is pretty underwhelming, regardless of how much Seacrest yells to the contrary.

Next week, the judges schlemiel and schlimazel their way to Milwaukee.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.