American Idol 10: Music Shitty, USA

Hey kids, I know American Idol's Nashville auditions were last night but Mama was plum tuckered out. Sorry to send y'all to bed without your recap. But, as my granny used to say, "Better to be strung up by your thumbs than to get fed racoon shit in the morning." Hmm, maybe I should just go with what my other granny used to say, "Better late than never." Not that the former ain't good advice, but the latter sure do make more sense in this here context.

(Don't worry, I'm done talking like Ma Kettle or whoeverthehell.)

The auditions start with Christine, a weird girl with a squeaky voice that only gets squeakier at the ends of all her sentences, which makes her sound like she's always asking a question. The question here is, "Is this girl honest-to-goodness deranged or is she just a willing participant in one of Idol's little games?" Part of me thinks that this whole thing is scripted (she enters the room singing/making random squeaky noises and then really goes to town on "I Hope You Dance") but part of me thinks Christine really is nuts. She's way too cheerful and dead-eyed to be in on the joke. At some point though, I stop caring because this is only the first audition and already it's been, like, a million minutes.

Chelsee and Rob are ex-singing partners and ex-lovahs who are auditioning together. Again, I'm sure this is a scripted move, planned by Idol's producers once they found out that Chelsee has a new man and Rob is a lonely little hobbit. The judges all beg them to fall in love again, as Rob just stares and Chelsee (who's either a LiLo wannabe or a Wynonna wannabe, I can't decide) just tosses her wall of red hair around nervously. Then they sing together and show off some great harmony. Steven wants to know (without saying it in so many words) if that harmony translated to the sack, or if Chelsee left Rob because he hit too many bum notes. Both sing solo well and are rewarded with golden tickets. Seacrest celebrates this by trying to cause strain between Rob and Chelsee's new boyfriend, who is also a dork. Wait until this broad sees the men in Hollywood.

We're treated to a few weirdos before Allen the tattoo artist enters the room. He looks exactly like the kind of guy who would sing Skynryd's "Simple Man" but sings it exactly like Cher would if she were reincarnated as a burly biker dude. And although he looks exactly like the kind of guy who wouldn't take kindly to "no," Allen takes rejection with a shrug, smile and demented laugh.

Next up is Stormi (her real name), whose mother obviously wanted her to become a porn star or stripper, but became Miss Teen USA instead. Her tiny little voice doesn't impress J.Lo, but since she's very pretty (and because the baby doll dress/boots ensemble never fails), Steven and Randy give her a golden ticket. And Steven would like to give her a golden something else, if you know what I mean, and I know that you do because all of you people are perverts.

Day 1 ends with Adrienne, a black girl who was adopted by white parents. And not only are they white, but they're farmers! Adrienne isn't really a Very Special Contestant, but her story moves me the most because I can't imagine a life of waking up at 5:00 am to push hay around. Anyway, Adrienne really doesn't need a sob story because she has a very powerful voice. But not in that "listen to how loud I can scream" diva kind of way. It's just plain good. Steven thinks Adrienne is "something special" and the other judges agree. She's off to Hollywood.

Speaking of screaming, Day 2 opens with Kameela doing horrible things to a Chaka Khan song. She is clearly one of those people who honestly thinks she's good, so Steven just encourages her to practice and keep at it. But Randy, who is desperately trying to take Simon's place, tells her never to sing again. Without the British accent, it just sounds assholish.

A string of weirdos are rejected, including a guy I've dubbed Purple Man, who must be Green Man's long-lost cousin. His all-too brief cover of "A Moment Like This" is probably my favorite moment of the auditions so far. (I don't know, maybe I was really tired but that made me laugh. Like a real laugh.) I love you Purple Man!

Jackie (not THAT one) Wilson disappoints me by singing neither "Lonely Teardrops" nor Van Morrison's "Jackie Wilson Said" but since she has a very nice, raspy voice, I'll let her uninspired song choice (which I've already forgotten) slide. After she gets her ticket, she runs out into the lobby and slips her dad some tongue. Whoa! Oh, wait...turns out that old dude is actually her boyfriend. Hey, this is the south. That could have gone either way and I wouldn't have been surprised.

Unlike Kameela, I don't believe for one second that LaToya (self-dubbed "YouNique") actually thinks she can sing. She just wants to be on TV, and she bought herself a pretty new pageant gown (or swiped it from Stormi's closet) for her appearance. She bleats out some song I don't know and gets a unanimous "no." Then, to make up for the lack of house band, she sings herself out.

A trio of random guys are shown singing well and making it through. These are the guys who won't make it past the final Hollywood round and will take to the Internet to bitch about their lack of "face time."

Next up is Matt Dillard, not Matt Dillon, so he's not doing this for Johnny. He's doing this for his family, who has taken in 700 foster kids over the past 20+ years. And his family doesn't have a reality on show on TLC because why? Luckily, he sings much better than he dresses (giant overalls and a tiny cowboy hat) but it's odd because his voice doesn't really fit his body (much like his fashion choices). He sounds a little bit like a Broadway wannabe. The judges seem a little unsure about Matt, but send him to Hollywood anyway.

Finally, the Nashville auditions end with Lauren, a girl that Seacrest has been pimping as a MUST SEE for the entire show, so I really hope she has a family tragedy to sell because I can't possibly just enjoy a singer based on vocal merit alone! Turns out, her cousin/friend/ personal idol, Holly, had a brain tumor and that was sad. And just like the throat cancer dad and the brain damaged fiancee, the judges insist that Holly be brought in to meet them. These judges are living in their own Make-a-Wish Foundation fantasy, where meeting them is at the top of every sick and dying person's bucket list. Now, where was I? Oh yes, this is an audition for a singing competition. Lauren is a very good singer. She's 15, with the messy hair of an 18-year-old slut, the face of DJ Tanner and a slightly obnoxious "always on" personality. No doubt she will go far in this contest. To her credit, when Randy keeps trying to inject the sob story back into the conversation, Lauren kind of ignores it. But she loses points with me when she brings her parents into the room to sing "their song," "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing." NOOOOOO! I was convinced before this season started that every other person would try out with this horrible song just because of Steven's presence, but it's been wonderfully absent from the audition room so far. Dammit. Now all I want to do is close my eyes and fall asleep. But I'll probably have nightmares about asteroids and Ben Affleck rubbing animal crackers on my body. Ugh.

Next week, the audition train rolls on to Austin.


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