Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Eye Boogers: New Year, Same Old Useless Balls of Crust!

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following items are curiously fascinating.

LiLo Don't Need No Stinking Resolutions - Lindsay Lohan was released from rehab on Monday, but she might end up in jail if found guilty of misdemeanor battery. You may have heard about her mid-December tussle with Dawn Holland, a former Betty Ford technician who claimed that LiLo and some friends snuck out of the facility for a few drinks and got violent when Holland tried to give her a Breathalyzer test. Although Holland refused to press charges, a police investigation turned up enough evidence that LiLo did commit battery, a violation of her parole (duh), so the case is being turned over to prosecutors. The judge who sent Lindsay to rehab warned her that disobeying any laws would get her a first-class ticket to the big house. Also, Lins decided to move in, like, right down the street from Samantha Ronson. Let's take bets now on which, if either, of these things will end well.

LeAnn Rimes' New Boobies Are A Lot Like Eddie Cibrian's Old Boobies - Remember when Lindsay Lohan was a fresh, freckle-faced kid with a huge Hollywood future ahead of her? Now, at 24, she's a washed up celebutard no one will touch. And do you also remember when LeAnn Rimes was a sweet young country ingenue with a huge Nashville future ahead of her? Now, at 28, she's just a pathetic Lifetime movie character come to life. After hooking up with Eddie Cibrian on the set of their Lifetime movie (oh, irony of ironies), causing both of their marriages to explode in a big ugly mess, LeAnn is now left desperately clinging to her ultimately doomed relationship with Captain von Douche of Dimpletown. Her latest ploy to keep Little Eddie tamed was to get new boobs the same make, model and size of Big Eddie's ex wife, Brandi Glanville. Let's take bets now on how long it will be before LeAnn shows up somewhere with giant fish lips.

Speaking of Giant Fish Lips, John Mellencamp Likes Them - I don't understand this pairing, but I guess Meg Ryan recently spun the big Wheel o' Celebrity Suitors and it landed on John Mellencamp. That's the way it goes. So now they are dating. Although this news came out about a minute after it was announced that John was splitting from his supermodel wife, Elaine Irwin, supposedly the marriage was already technically over when John started dancing naked with Meg. Kind of a weird downgrade, eh? I mean, Meg used to be lovely until she started throwing injectables parties every weekend.

Rumered: Zac Efron May Be Dating Rumer Willis - No. NOOOO!! (OK, so obviously my New Year's Resolution to stop being a total pedo didn't take.)

The Mayans Must Have Been Off By A Year - Snooki Polizzi is an author. And I have no doubt that A Shore Thing will reach the New York Times' Best Seller list. You might wanna start crossing things off that bucket list now.


The Vegetable Assassin said...

When I heard Snookie had "written" a book I thought it was a joke. Or that she'd brought out a Guido colouring book. Or that she'd been "booked" for lewd acts and someone had gotten confused. Then I heard it was a "novel". What the fuck? I didn't even know she could read anything other than liquor labels, let alone write something. I mean granted, it's CLEARLY terrible and insulting to all those actual writers who struggle to ever get a word published, then this plump, vulgar, orange little troll comes along and someone let's her write a book. It's proof that the apocalypse is knocking on the door.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Well done! Celebrity gossip that I actually could get interested in.

As for Leann's new boobs, I support it! She has a very thin frame, and bigger ones would have stretched the skin out too much. As they are, you can't even tell they're fake in that bikini. Any bigger, and it would be clear she paid a visit to the doctor.

That's all I got. I'm a doctor.

Johnson said...

And I continue to wait patiently for the day when all mentions of Snooki begin with the words "the late."

Scope said...

And that bruise on her thigh? Rough sex?

(Just put that in there so you knew I looked at something other than her B(.)(.)Bs.)

Kristen said...

Zac and Rumer? Snooki an author? Leann's boobs - were you having the same nightmare as me last night?

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

Holy crapola is this all true?

Zac Efron and Rumer Willis? That is just weird, not good or bad.

Meg Ryan? What does she love rough unavailable men like she loves botox and plastic surgery? Ugh.

As for Snooki, read a damn book before you write one. AAARGH!

Ed said...

I bet Snooki's book is written in crayon.

Or self-tanner.

Lindsey is such a waste.

Penny said...

Wow..Okay, I saw in EWeekly that Snookers wrote a book and I thought it was a joke. I can't believe this...I still kind of think it's some kind of sick joke I just have not been let in on.

Leann Rimes-WHY?? She was so talented once upon a time....

SkylersDad said...

I think that Snookie must have dictated a book, because everyone knows she can't write... or read... or speak for that matter so how the hell did this book come about?

J.J. in L.A. said...

John gave up Elaine for Meg? This confirms what I've known for decades...men are stupid. But Elaine can find herself a GOOD looking man now.

Billy said...

You are my sole source for celebutard information. And you do a splendiferous job!

Cormac Brown said...

Yay, Eye Boogers!

Oh, wait, he dumped Elaine Irwin for The Joker? Seriously? I thought we had a little less than three months left until April 1st.

Ooh yeah, they say life goes wrong

Long after the thrill, of dating is gone

Ooh yeah, stay off the drugs, John

Or at least stop putting crack in your bong

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

did Eddie turn you down..is that why you sound bitter! LOL

Scope said...

Snooki's book: Tell me that they didn't try to implement "Scratch-N-Sniff" technology on that.

gennifer6 said...


Barbara Bruederlin said...

I'm waiting for the Snooki literary tour. Unless the Mayans get me first.

Zed said...

Gorgeous Zac doesn't have particularly good taste in women. But if Rumer would only reduce her chin size, enlarge her eye size, oh, heck, get a complete face and body redo, she might look good some day. Go Zac.

As for LeAnn, I long for the day the next Cibrian chick comes along with even bigger boobs and giant fish lips, and steals Eddie's heart. It's only a matter of time. A short matter of time.

OK, I'm going home to put my meanness away for the day. Sorry.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Oh so many comments....

Poor Lindsay. Can't we just let her self destruct in private? And don't think for one minute that her lesbian lover isn't on "Team Lindsay", trying to help her get back on her feet.

Leanne Rimes and Eddie whatever are a hot mess. talk about ruining two careers with an illicit affair. They had to get married. Both of them are untouchable in Hollywood, with their bad PR and karma. Gross. And hello, do either of them ever work? Every photo of them is in a bathing suit in Cabo.

Snooki.....she's just silly....book written in crayon...hee hee.

John Mellencamp and Meg Ryan? From the looks of those photos they are plastic surgery soul mates. Downgrade is right!!!!!!

Professor Chaos said...

I feel so bad for Lindsey Lohan. Both her parents are just so awful.

Anonymous said...

Lohan just is not getting the message. I am blurry eyed each morning for a half hour before I just squeeze my eyes shut hard to get the crap out.

Cora said...



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