Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Things I Don't Understand

Well, that post title really encompasses a lot, so let's just stick with the things at the front of my brain right now.

1. The Roomate (aka Single White Female: The College Years) - OK, not only do I not understand who decided that we needed a Single White Female ripoff/remake, but I also don't see the point in casting Leighton Meester and Minka Kelly, who are virtually indistinguishable from one another. What is going to be the plot twist? The bad one dyes her long, straight hair a slightly deeper shade of brown? Or she starts wearing the good one's favorite perfume (which is probably that Britney Spears shit)? Should it be suspenseful when we're left to wonder if the bad one will succeed in seducing the good one's boyfriend? I mean, really, even if she wasn't crazy and trying to get with the boyfriend, with all the drinking that goes on in college, the guy would be bound to bang her at least once by mistake, being that she looks EXACTLY like his girlfriend. And will there be a death by high-heeled shoe? Because if not, what's the point?

2. The appeal of Clive Owen - This is number one on my list of "guys everyone but me thinks is hot." I just don't get it. There is something really off about his features. I'm not saying he's ugly, but he's definitely not drool-worthy. I mean, that nose is just ridiculous. If I want a guy with an effed up nose, I'll take Chris Isaak.

3. Business jargon - Is there a business person left in this world who still thinks that yammering on and on about grabbing low hanging fruit and exploring parameters to facilitate actionable outcomes while taking paradigm shifts to the next level as a means of leveraging their leveragable leverage actually makes them sound educated?? Does every sentence really need to start with "At the end of the day...?" Does the last paragraph of every email or memo/post-it have to begin with "Going forward...?" And I swear to God, if another person ever asks me to "download" information to them, I will slice open their brain, jam a computer chip in it, and then give it a try.

4. All the interest in the royals - I cannot wait for Prince William and Kate Middleton to get married so I don't have to hear about their royal wedding. I can kind of understand why British people would care about this crap, but why are so many Americans fascinated by these people? Is our own country suffering a shortage of extremely rich and privileged people with no apparent purpose? According to MTV, E! and, well, just about every other channel, the answer to that is "no, not even a little bit."


Barbara Bruederlin said...

I'm with you on the Single White Female redux. Is this for people who missed it the first time around, or who have really short memories or something? Why did they make this?

Scope said...

There is a DIRECTOR in our office who uses "drain the swamp" and "boil the ocean" at least once a week.

At least it's not a "win-win".

Or a remake of "Swim Fan"

Logical Libby said...

So, I guess I shouldn't get you one of the fake Middleton engagement rings for $19.95?

Kari said...

I have a manager who cannot simply say "yes" when a valid idea is brought up at a meeting. He will say, "I don't disagree." What kind of assholery is that?

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

Okay I hadnt even heard of The Roomate, which is good.

I respectfully totally absolutely disagree with you on Clive Owen, he is numero uno on my Freebie Five and I posted about it last year (update coming soon, he is the only carryover).

My now ex-boss said win-win so often my ears started to wiggle. As we cant drink at work, a peer and i would fake sneeze every time he said it. Jerk never caught on!

McGone said...

I think you are a crazy person. Everything you said about "The Roommate" sounds awesome* because I stopped paying attention as soon as I read the words "Minka Kelly" and instead went to a fantasy world that is Derek Jeter-free and looks like an Esquire magazine photo "Sexiest Woman Alive" photoshoot.

*Except for the Britney Spears perfume thing. That sounds terrible.

So, in conclusion, I'd just like to say "Go Pack Go!"

J.J. in L.A. said...

I'm with ya on Clive - I'd take Chris over him too.

And the "Royals" - I bet all the interest is because no one's heard from Snookie lately.

Lou said...

1. No comment. Never saw it.
2. No comment. Not 100% sure who he is.
3. Yes, yes and yes! My new job has a whole grip of these poopieheads.
4. Because she's a PRINCESS... just like 99% of girls were told that they were growing up. Except this time it is real.

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

SWF was great...why bother with greatness?

The business lingo makes me laugh at those people...

Who am these prince and princesses of which you speak?

Perplexio said...

1. I kind of felt similar when watching The Back-Up Plan - I asked myself, "What film does this remind me of?" And the answer was, "Every other romantic comedy I've ever seen." I've never actually seen Single White Female in its entirety but I do feel as I've seen the film because the 30 second trailer and the inherent predictability of that genre of films allowed me to fill in the other 89 minuts and 30 second of the film I didn't see. I picture some film exec gets a script and thinks, "This is crap, but maybe if we market it properly and cast it well we can still make some money off it." From what you're saying it sounds like they didn't even do that well.

2) Not being a female I won't venture a guess. I think he's an adequate actor but the only film I've seen him in and came away feeling that he truly did a great job was the Aussie film The Boys Are Back (well worth seeing, btw). Just about everything else I've seen him do I've felt that his performance could have been done by just about any other moderately attractive British or Aussie actor.

3) For some reason I immediately thought of Malcolm McDowell's cameo in the Topher Grace/Dennis Quaid vehicle, In Good Company when I read this part of your post.

4) Being married to a Brit, I kind of get this. What is fascinating about the royals is that for the most part they're born into their fame. They don't have a choice in the matter as they have no more control over how they're born than the rest of us. It's interesting to see how people who are famous by virtue of birth react to that fame. It's quite a different dynamic to those who actually seek out fame like almost every single reality TV star ever here in the US.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Hell yes. On all of those. Well except Clive. Clive's ok. Fairly sexy in a "I look like I've been boxing my whole life" type of way.

The Roommate thing is beyond me too. I admit a guilty pleasure thing from Single White Female but like you said it's been done and probably better so why? Granted Brigit Fonda and Jennifer Jason Leigh looked remarkably similar in that movie too although only after the creepy transformation of JJL. It's just like...can't Hollywood come up with ONE new idea? Is this really necessary?

As for the British wedding thing, all my peeps back in the UK don't give a crap and are already fed up with it except for the fact they'll probably get a holiday which is a good reason to let them do their damn thing. :)

Bothered said...

Excellent post. Where in the world did you come up with some of that business jargon? I, in my own twisted little world couldn't have done it. I also agree with the British Royals. keep up the good work.

Wow, that was awkward said...

I was in a new biz meeting where the prospective client said "we have to block and tackle" at least ten times. He is not part of a football team, nor does he have anything to do with fishing. We didn't get the business and the good news about that is I don't have to hear him say block and tackle ever again!

cube said...

1. Is there nothing new under the sun?

2. I don't really care one way or the other. Both Owen and Isaak come ridiculously close to breaking the Nose Mouth Rule.

3. I hate business jargon in real life and on TV commercials.

4. Royals, who? Honestly, I only care less about the cast from Jersey Shore.

Violet said...

1 Single White Female sucked enough, we don't need a repeat.

2 he is uglier than hell, I am glad to see I am not the only one who feels this way

3 I am not educated enough to make an intelligent comment

4 I don't give a hairy rats ass about the royal wedding.

Shelly said...

I was with you on Clive Owen until the other night, when I watched Sin City. He looked really good in that movie and I was a little bit won over.

Penny said...

I agree with all of these thoughts.
I couldn't tell those two girls apart from the room mate.

I also loathe the word synergey.
I want to shout: Fuck off when I hear that.


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