After being subjected to the lamest audition rounds ever, Hollywood group night is finally here! Seacrest wonders aloud how it will go. CAN THE CONTESTANTS HANDLE THE PRESSURE? OR WILL THERE BE MASS POST-AUDITION SUICIDES? EITHER WAY, OUR CAMERAS WILL BE READY!
All of the Day 1 auditioners pretty much think they have it made because they've already formed groups and started rehearsing. But prissy old Ken Warwick comes along and rains on their parades by announcing that, to be fair (because if there's anything this show understands, it's fairness), all groups must include a mixture of Day 1 and Day 2 people. Gaping mouths and annoyed "tsks" all around.
The first effects of this group shakeup are felt by Tiffany "Star Tits" Rios, who can't find anyone to let her in their group. Imagine that! She can't even convince Scotty "Same Ol' Song" McCreery to join forces. McCreepy walks around auditioning people as if he's some deep-voiced deity, while Star Tits poaches some Jessica chick from Brett Lowenstern's group, which is plagued with loyalty problems. McCreepy tries his luck with smug jackhole Jordan Dorsey, who promptly dismisses country boy after the first bar of that "turn the lights down low and turn me on" ditty. Star Tits and Jessica realize that they're just going to be a two-piece, which the producers "let slide" even though the rules state that each group has to have a minimum of three people. But they know that neither one of these chicks is making it through anyway, so why get into a whole thing?
The Minors are a group comprised of all 15 and 16-year-olds, who are under constant supervision by their terrible stage moms. James Durbin whines how unfair it is that moms get to help and nearly flies into a Tourette's tantrum upon learning that The Minors are doing the same Queen song as his group. Instead, he just shrieks and secretly thinks up new and exciting sob stories for himself.
Ex-lovahs Rob Bolin and Chelsee Oaks are paired up with Jacqueline Dunford, formerly of super couple Nicqueline. (Wait, weren't they all from Day 2? Or was it editing magic!?) Rob whines and mopes about literally everything, including Jacqeuline's supposed domination of the group. Rob seems even more of a downer than before. Did these two girls get drunk one night and have a lesbian tryst right in front of him, but refused to let him join in?
Ashley Sullivan is itching for a fix, so she pretends to quit the show for a few hours. Just long enough for her boyfriend to sneak her crack pipe past the cameramen. Once rejuvenated, Ashley rejoins her group, who strangely welcome her back with open arms.
Clint Jun Gamboa instantly becomes a villain when he throws Jacee Badeaux out of his group. As Jacee looks for a new group through tear-stained eyes, that pain in the ass Jordan Dorky decides that he doesn't like his group anymore and jumps ship to join Robbie "Arjewleta" Rosen's team.
Since Brett's group is still looking for a Day 2 person, he and group member Denise Jackson recruit Jacee. Although hesitant because he doesn't know Duffy's "Mercy," Jacee agrees to join them. Off in the distance, we can still hear Rob whining about something. Hollywood week really is the worst time to get your period, I guess.
Finally, all the preparation is over and the group auditions can begin. The judges give the crowd some lame advice (i.e., don't forget the lyrics, unless you're a chosen one and then it doesn't matter) and off we go.
First up is Pia Toscano, Brielle Von Hugel and Allesandra Guercio, a trio of girls we've barely seen thus far, probably because they all get along and sing well. What are the odds of finding a group of girls named Pia, Brielle and Allesandra anywhere other than a CW teen drama? They're all through to the next round.
Rival groups 4+1 and 440 take the stage next. Jordan Dorky, Arjewleta and the rest of 4+1 get raves from the judges for their take on "I Want You Back," while Lauren Turner, Adrian Michael and the rest of 440 also move on after one of a gazillion performances of Cee Lo Green's sanitized "Forget You."
Star Tits and Jessica Whatshername have adopted the moniker Rebel Star and have forgotten how to sing. "Irreplaceable?" Uh, I don't think so. Your ride ends here, ladies.
Jovany Barreto, Karen Rodriguez, Jorge Gabriel and some other dude desperately seek their fifth Spanglish member, Kevin Campos, who is inexplicably off taking a shirtless siesta. As the judges wait for them to get on stage, Steven entertains everyone with a geriatric drum solo. Kevin may as well have stayed in bed, because he's terrible, as is the rest of this group. However, Jovany and Karen manage to get a pass from the judges.
Next up is a group featuring Lauren Alaina and a girl who jams noodles up her nose. They make Steven sit on stage in a chair so they can all writhe around him singing "Some Kind of Wonderful." But because no one attempts to give him even a little bit of hand action, everyone but Lauren is cut.
The stupidly-named Nashville Stars—Colton Dixon, Matt Dillard, two chicks and another dude—are one of many groups to mangle Bruno Mars' "Just the Way You Are," leaving everyone but Colton out in the cold.
Paris Tassin finds herself smack dab in the middle of a montage of bad singers and forgotten words, which results in her elimination. Ah well, her sob story just wasn't strong enough.
Others who were quietly cut include annoying Carrie Underwood wannabe Janelle Arthur, Steven's biggest fan Aly Jados and the Aaron half of the Gutierrez brothers. Unfortunately two of my favorites, adopted farm girl Adrienne Beasley and jazzy Emily Anne Reed, are also sent packing. BOO.
Ashley Sullivan is all cranked up and ready to go. She and her group members, Keeira Lyn Ford, Ashthon Jones and some nameless chick, take us back to the club with their rendition of "Hit 'Em Up Style." Other than some complaints about Ashley's pitchiness, the judges are impressed and all four girls live to see another day. Can you believe it? I mean, Ashley almost QUIT...and now her group has one of the best auditions of the day. It's so inspirational! As Seacrest says, "In one night they all found a way to believe in each other...and themselves." Hoo-boy. Kinda makes you wanna close your eyes, put one finger in your ear and wave the other one around while warbling, "There's a heeee-eee-rr-oooo....if you loo-ook insiiide your he-aaa-rrrt..."
LET THE ANNUAL RAPING OF THE QUEEN CATALOG BEGIN! Sure, it's a little early in the season, but why not? Have it at, Deep Vees. Not only is that the dumbest name in the history of group night, but it's pretty much a slap in the face to Simon Cowell and his legacy of scoop-necks. Also? This a fantastically terrible performance of my favorite Queen song ever. Oh, James Durbin. Why? Why are you on my TV screen? WHY? This Wheel of Misfortune-playing, faux-Glambert shriektard sounds like Ass Burgers taste. But with four sob stories and counting, he's pretty much got a free ride to the main event. Caleb (no idea) Johnson also makes it through. Unfortunately, some cute guy named John (Jackson or Jordan or Jorkson) got cut. I'm expecting this to be another rough year, man candy-wise.
The stage moms enjoyed The Deep Vees' implosion, and stand at the ready to riot if their supercalifragilistically talented kids don't make it through! The Minors (aka The Jets v2.0)—Keonna Evans, Jalen Harris, Sarina-Joi Crowe, Felix Ramsey and Deandre Brackensick—do their interpretation of the same Queen song. And, while I agree that anything that followed The Deep Vees was bound to sound brilliant by comparison, this isn't quite as stunning as the judges think. I actually liked the "Hit 'Em Up Style" girls and the very first group better. I mean, really, Seacrest? This is the amazing performance that's been hyped all show? Come on! And really, J.Lo? This is the "performance of their lives?" Well, I guess they can all just quit now, right? Hurry up, go tell Durbin he gave the performance of his life, too.
The next group features Steven Clawson, whose man candy potential is destroyed when he's revealed to be a dumbass using a lyric crib sheet. Corey Levoy doesn't bother with cheat sheets. His "pretend I know the lyrics" trick is to sing away from the microphone and never make eye contact with the judges. Hollie Cavanaugh staves off tears for the second time in Hollywood to perform well. She should be the only one to make it through, but for some reason they also keep Corey around. Even Corey doesn't get it and asks the judges, "WHY?" before realizing what a dipshit he is and The Dawg barks at him to get off the stage.
The next two groups both perform a capella to mixed results. All of Ebony, Ivory and Every's members—Da'quela Payne, Matthew Nuss, Naima Adedapo, Jacob Lusk and a random blonde—all make it through despite their groan-inducing group name. From The Night Owls, only Julie Zorrilla and Casey Abrams advance.
Four Non Blondes and That Guy (That Guy being weird, wired blonde, Carson Higgins) do an average version of "Forget You." I can't seem to enjoy it because of Chris Medina, who stands on stage trying to cough up little Danny Gokey hairballs. Everyone knows Chris isn't going anywhere, and he, Carson, Erin Kelly and Caleb Hawley (man candy potential with awesome hair) all make it through. Strangely, the judges cut former Stardust waitress Devyn Rush, who takes it well on stage but breaks down outside. I can see why she's upset. Randy had the cajones to tell her she was too "screamy" after giving James Durbin a pass? Ugh.
A bad group montage prefaces the appearance of Sugar Mama and the Babies—Denise Jackson, Stevie Cain, Natalie Hanson, Brett Lowenstern and Jacee Badeaux. Despite the trials and tribulations their group has been through over the past day, everyone does a great job. I especially like this Stevie Cain chick, whom I haven't heard before. Unfortunately, Jacee can't remember the words to "Mercy" and has to make up some lyrics about how he doesn't want to go home. The judges are charmed, but is that enough? Before delivering the verdict, Randy talks to the group about what went on with them and Denise explains how Clint kicked the poor kid out of his group. The judges tell everyone but Jacee to step forward just because they like to mess with people. After a long pause, they tell Jacee to step forward too, and he dissolves into a puddle of tears. Now, you know how I hate sob stories and all that jazz. And I have a real problem with people who can't remember, like, six lines of a song after singing it for 12 hours straight. But Jesus, this poor kid. I can't help but root for him. I can bet he's put up with a lifetime of bullying, just like his new buddy Brett.
Clint Jumbawumba bastes his lips in Burts Bees before hitting the stage with his group. The judges give this quartet of meanies a brief verbal bitch slap and McCreepy tries to score points by saying he should have stuck up for Jacee because he's "the best kid in this competition." The guys both advance, along with female group members Monique de los Santos and Frances Coontz. McCreepy cries afterward because he wasn't nice to Jacee. Or because he got caught on camera being kind of a douche to a lot of people.
Finally, Three's Company takes the stage. I'm not sure theirs is the most dramatic story that it would need to be saved for last, but whatever. Chelsee isn't as impressive as she was in earlier auditions and Jacqueline is one big messy heap of horrible, just as she was in earlier auditions. Thank God for bimbo-ish looks, eh? Rob forgets his words, but sings better than either of the girls. Still, his whiny "I'm a downtrodden little Hobbit" act annoys everyone and he's sent home. The two girls get to stay. Yep, both of them. Jacqueline too. Again, I can only say, thank God for bimbo-ish looks, eh?
Hollywood week trudges on tomorrow night.
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