Wednesday, February 09, 2011

American Idol 10: The End of Auditions

That's right, San Francisco is the last audition city. Thank God. This process has been nearly unwatchable.

Inessa is from Ukraine. She make music video of herself in shower for YouTubes. She talk in baby voice and sing Air Supply. BeckEye love Air Supply. (Not kidding, assholes.) Inessa get no love from judges. She leave with her beautiful eye and ancient Chinese husband.

Somehow, we're already at the first commercial break. Holy hell, I'm bored. But Seacrest has promised us lots of sob stories to make up for the lack of them last Thursday, so there's that to look forward to.

The birds are shitting on the hopefuls waiting outside. A sign of things to come, perhaps?

Three Hollywood-bound peeps fly by on screen: Brittany and Lara, who both try their hardest to fake a blues/soul voice, and Matthew, who looks like he was created in a Petri dish from Keith Urban and Bill Pullman's DNA.

Stefano (not DiMera) is the first Very Special Contestant (VSC) of the evening. He was in a car wreck that no one thought he'd survive. But he did, so give him a recording contract, please! He sings "Heard it Through the Grapevine" fairly well, but he has terrible enunciation and an overabundance of saliva. Man, I'd hate to be the person after him in that grapevine.

And that does it for Day 1. Seriously!

Day 2 begins with Clint singing that annoying "Billionaire" song and sounding like hundreds of other guys. The judges love his conformity. He's in!

The requisite "bunch of weirdos" montage features a poor man's Mr. Peepers, Mush Mouth and a Transformer. Now, here's a guy who's more than meets the eye. I'm not even a nerd and I'm digging this. His costume is pretty kick-ass, but his version of "Born to Be Wild" (while in car form, of course) is not so much. Then again, it's really not that bad either. Maybe if he had shingles or a cat with feline AIDS, he'd have a chance at a golden ticket. Alas, he has neither.

A bunch of nameless California gurls make it through to Hollywood...probably never to be heard from again.

VSC #2 is Julie, a girl from Colombia whose parents fled the country in the '90s to escape the guerilla warfare. Wait a minute...don't we already have a girl whose parents are refugees? Yes, we do. Julie needs to come up with a new sob story, stat. How about that skirt she's wearing? It is INSANE. Why is it so big? Is she poor and had to make it out of curtains, like Scarlett O'Hara? Is she hiding more refugees in there? Who knows. It doesn't really matter. She sings well, she's pretty and she knows just when to flip her hair, so she's bound to end up in the finals, sob story or no.

Fake rocker Dave sings "Oh! Darling" (which seems to be one of the go-to songs now ever since Katelyn Epperly did it last year) and sucks. This upsets the Beatles tee-shirt-wearing Steven Tyler. Now Steven is in a bad mood and is being mean to rejects. It'll pass.

VSC #3 is Emily, whose house burned down a week before the auditions. Looks like she managed to save her guitar, at least. I'm all prepared to dislike her because of the sob story and all, but I think she's one of my favorites so far. She's got a cute, jazzy voice...very "old timey." It should be accompanied by fuzzy phonograph needle noise. She's sort of like a cross between two Joneses—Norah and Rickie Lee—which most likely means she won't find a place in this competition. But it will be nice to hear her sing while she lasts. She's on to Hollywood.

The last audition of the day belongs to James, VSC #4 on your program, but bucking to be VSC #1 in your heart. As if looking like a prepubescent Ed Grimley isn't sad enough, James tries to cover as many sob story bases as possible. His dad died of a drug overdose when he was nine. He has sleep disorders and a couple of syndromes: Tourette's and Asperger's. Then he got his girlfriend knocked up, so now they have a baby for whom they can't afford diapers. Wow. Some guys would just go with one BIG problem, but this guy just couldn't stop spinning the wheel of misfortune. Perhaps all contestants should get to give it a spin, eh? Just to even things out a bit.

Oh, as for James's voice, which Seacrest has been promising for the last hour would make rainbows shoot out of our asses, it's not living up to the hype. He's basically trying really hard to be a straight version of Adam Lambert and it's just not interesting. But I can guarantee that he's already got the devotion of bored, fortysomething housewives.

Tomorrow night, it's off to Hollywood. I really hope with all the changes that have been instituted this year that they haven't done away with group day...for the second time.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.


Coaster Punchman said...

I haven't been able to watch the audition shows for about 5 years now. Not sure if I'll watch Idol at all any more - I was a Paula loyalist. Plus Mindy is swearing by X-Factor. (I think she watched the British version when she was living over there.)

The Vegetable Assassin said...

The petri dish comment made me emit a sound from the depth of my innards that was probably a hearty guffaw but it's a bit too early to tell...

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Lets get his party started already.....I'm bored too and believe me when I tell you, I didn't piss rainbows or fart puppies either.

Those are your brilliant words...

Scope said...

The best part of last night;s episode was at the very beginning: The girl who walked out crying, because they told her to stop singing when sh farted.

I guess she literally "stunk up the joint" or "blew it out her @$$" or whatever. I wish they would have actually shown her.

And the Transformer guy is going to make a mint selling those costumes.

Cora said...

I'm with Scope, the Transformer costume and the girl who was bawling because she farted were what made the show for me. I just don't see why they didn't show the fart and the judges' reactions. What the hell?

BeckEye said...

CP - Well, as long as you still read my recaps, I don't care if you watch the show. :)

Veg - Was it a guffart?

Candy - Any comment referring to me as "brilliant" wins my favorite comment of the day, so....Ding ding ding!

Scope & Cora - I didn't mention fart girl because, while I laughed right when she said it (because farts are funny), I immediately afterward said, "That's stupid...and she's lying." My theory as to why they didn't show her audition is because she didn't actually fart; she just said that to get a reaction from the camera. I wouldn't be surprised if that line was written for her. Really, there's no way this show, which loves to make fools of people, would have passed up such a great opportunity. Unless farts are considered TV MA.

SkylersDad said...

Well now that I know there is farting going on, I just might tune in.

Kari said...

Prepubescent Ed Grimley! *spits water on keyboard*

I'm so over the freaking auditions. Come on, Hollywood!

Mike said...

James. Just when you thought it couldnt get worse. Ed Grim with a dark cloud and a little one to inherit all that bad mojo. GLORIOUS!

The best part of the night Was Mr. Tyler lopping off the mellon of Dave. ( who looked like a even ugler version of Tom Petty). Thank you Steve, glad to meet you again.

Zed said...

Ukrainian Inessa talked and looked like a 12 y/o. Turns out she was married and 22. I'm so glad she was a "fail." The cutesy-ness was so gag worthy.

And Julie? The girl with the refugee parents? She's not only going to Hollywood. I guarantee you she'll be in the top 10. The panel went absolutely nuts over her.

Last but not least, I'm concerned James and his Tourette's are going to cause chaos on the live
AI segments. Good Lord, I hope that program is on some sort of delay.

Flannery Alden said...

I love your wheel of misfortune graphic! That's so true!

And spot on Inessa impression.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I can't wait for Tuerette's guy to blurt out swears at the judges.


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