Last night's elimination of Chris Medina brought Jennifer Lopez to AN EMOTIONAL CROSSROADS. COULD SHE CONTINUE ON? Yes? Oh, she's composed herself already? OK, then.
I think Liz Lemon inadvertently solved the whole J.Lo breakdown mystery tonight. Arrrrgh, her period!
So...there's really no point in doing a proper recap for tonight's show. Basically, it was two hours of recapping performances we never saw in the first place, Idol hopefuls working it on the runway, and the judges saying things like, "Welllll...we really like youuuuu.... buuuuuut...this is...so hard. There are.... only...24....spots...... ....and there is...sooooooo muuuuuuuch ....goooood.... taaaaa........lent...this....season. Sooooo....we...are... gonna...have....to.....say .... (dramatic music) ... you are NOT....going to....be.... ...... ....eliminated." Add to that a record number of "at the end of the days" by J.Lo and you've got yourself a pretty excruciating two hours. How did I get suckered into DVRing all the good shows that I could have been watching instead?
Here now are your Top 24. Do with them what you will, America.
- Casey Abrams - Plays stand up bass and melodica. Acts like a weirdo. Looks like my lazy blogging pal and Firecrotch Extraordinaire Words Words Words. He's cool.
- Naima Adedapo - Nice voice, nice personality.
- Lauren Alaina - I don't know what was up with the Barbie Cowgirl ensemble she's sporting tonight, but I had no doubt this girl would make it through. Something about her really bugs me though.
- Jovany Barreto - He reminds me of a friend of a guy I used to date. Said friend was a total cheeseball. Thus, for me, Jovany reeks of cheese. He's actually a better singer than I originally thought, though.
- Kendra Chantrelle - Boring. She'll be gone early.
- Jordan Dorsey - This guy's kind of a dick, but sings well enough.
- James Durbin - Thank God for the mute button. Seriously, the guy said before his final performance that he needed to prove to the judges that he's not just another Adam Lambert who screams during every song. So how did he go about trying to accomplish that goal? By shrieking the entire way through "A Change is Gonna Come," a song that Glambert did on the show.
- Clint Jun Gamboa - A little too over the top. Plus, his stupid glasses make him look like some sort of exotic, poisonous bug.
- Tim Halperin - Lee DeWyze v2.0, minus the paint store job and absolute lack of charisma. Not that Tim is especially charismatic, but he can at least string more than five words together without too much effort.
- Ashton Jones - Not quite Beyonce's long lost sister, but possibly her long lost third cousin.
- Stefano Langone - I have absolutely no opinion of this guy, other than he's kind of a high talker.
- Brett Lowenstern - I wasn't really a fan of Colton Dixon, but when it came down to him, Jacee Badeaux and Brett, I was totally expecting Colton to move forward. He was definitely the best singer of the three. But Brett's got the crazy red afro and a certain je ne sais quoi, which I think means "gay kid who was bullied in high school appeal." Plus, I think he might be Robbie Neville's long lost third cousin. C'est la vie, Colton and Jacee.
- Jacob Lusk - I never knew until now what it was like to listen to a drag queen sing while not in drag. It's a bit unsettling. Jacob, for the love of all that is holy, put on a sequined dress and some heels.
- Scotty McCreery - Yep, McCreepy beat out the other country crooner, John Wayne Schulz. You know, the guy who had a better voice and was much better looking? This show is so anti-man candy it's not even funny.
- Paul McDonald - I guess this is AI's attempt at some man candy, but this guy just doesn't do it for me. And his voice is just weird.
- Thia Megia - I've mentioned before that I can't stand the way this girl sings. It's so fake. Peggi Blu saw right through that shit.
- Haley Rinehart - I'd take three Thia Megias over this broad any day. Talk about a fake voice. And she doesn't enunciate any of her words. Growling and guttural tones do not a song make.
- Karen Rodriguez - She's OK. But I'm leery of anyone who comes from MySpace.
- Robbie "Arjewleta" Rosen - We all thought Archuleta was The Chosen One, but it turned out to not be so. It could have been because he was Mormon. His Jewish counterpart might have a better shot at winning.
- Pia Toscano - Meh. She's aight.
- Lauren Turner - I only vaguely remember her singing a few times. She screams a lot, right?
- Tatynisa Wilson - See above.
- Rachel Zevita - LOVE. Girl is nuts, but she's got some pipes.
- Julie Zorrilla - Someone could have possibly created Julie in a lab for the very purpose of winning American Idol. And they gave her a never ending supply of cartoonishly puffy skirts. For these reasons, I'm only lukewarm on her.
Gotta give a big shout-out to Jessica Cunningham, who showed off her double birdie after getting passed over in favor of Thia Megia. (Hey, I'd be pissed about that, too.) Mainly, she was just mad that the judges cut her on her birthday. And, actually, I'm surprised that J.Lo was able to follow through with such an evil move. But she did and Jessica's gone and now she's sad because Idol "ruined her birthday." Yo, Jess, wait until you see the Ford commercials and hear the crappy coronation single. Be happy you just had a bad birthday. This show could have ruined so much more.
The boys sing for your votes next Tuesday, followed by Wednesday's ladies' night. Thursday is the results show (which better only be a half hour AS PROMISED).
Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.