Thursday, February 24, 2011

American Idol 10: Project Mile-Long Runway Continues

Last night's elimination of Chris Medina brought Jennifer Lopez to AN EMOTIONAL CROSSROADS. COULD SHE CONTINUE ON? Yes? Oh, she's composed herself already? OK, then.

I think Liz Lemon inadvertently solved the whole J.Lo breakdown mystery tonight. Arrrrgh, her period!

So...there's really no point in doing a proper recap for tonight's show. Basically, it was two hours of recapping performances we never saw in the first place, Idol hopefuls working it on the runway, and the judges saying things like, "Welllll...we really like youuuuu.... buuuuuut...this hard. There are.... only...24....spots...... ....and there is...sooooooo muuuuuuuch ....goooood.... taaaaa........lent...this....season. Sooooo....we...are... .... (dramatic music) ... you are NOT....going ...... ....eliminated." Add to that a record number of "at the end of the days" by J.Lo and you've got yourself a pretty excruciating two hours. How did I get suckered into DVRing all the good shows that I could have been watching instead?

Here now are your Top 24. Do with them what you will, America.
  • Casey Abrams - Plays stand up bass and melodica. Acts like a weirdo. Looks like my lazy blogging pal and Firecrotch Extraordinaire Words Words Words. He's cool.
  • Naima Adedapo - Nice voice, nice personality.
  • Lauren Alaina - I don't know what was up with the Barbie Cowgirl ensemble she's sporting tonight, but I had no doubt this girl would make it through. Something about her really bugs me though.
  • Jovany Barreto - He reminds me of a friend of a guy I used to date. Said friend was a total cheeseball. Thus, for me, Jovany reeks of cheese. He's actually a better singer than I originally thought, though.
  • Kendra Chantrelle - Boring. She'll be gone early.
  • Jordan Dorsey - This guy's kind of a dick, but sings well enough.
  • James Durbin - Thank God for the mute button. Seriously, the guy said before his final performance that he needed to prove to the judges that he's not just another Adam Lambert who screams during every song. So how did he go about trying to accomplish that goal? By shrieking the entire way through "A Change is Gonna Come," a song that Glambert did on the show.
  • Clint Jun Gamboa - A little too over the top. Plus, his stupid glasses make him look like some sort of exotic, poisonous bug.
  • Tim Halperin - Lee DeWyze v2.0, minus the paint store job and absolute lack of charisma. Not that Tim is especially charismatic, but he can at least string more than five words together without too much effort.
  • Ashton Jones - Not quite Beyonce's long lost sister, but possibly her long lost third cousin.
  • Stefano Langone - I have absolutely no opinion of this guy, other than he's kind of a high talker.
  • Brett Lowenstern - I wasn't really a fan of Colton Dixon, but when it came down to him, Jacee Badeaux and Brett, I was totally expecting Colton to move forward. He was definitely the best singer of the three. But Brett's got the crazy red afro and a certain je ne sais quoi, which I think means "gay kid who was bullied in high school appeal." Plus, I think he might be Robbie Neville's long lost third cousin. C'est la vie, Colton and Jacee.
  • Jacob Lusk - I never knew until now what it was like to listen to a drag queen sing while not in drag. It's a bit unsettling. Jacob, for the love of all that is holy, put on a sequined dress and some heels.
  • Scotty McCreery - Yep, McCreepy beat out the other country crooner, John Wayne Schulz. You know, the guy who had a better voice and was much better looking? This show is so anti-man candy it's not even funny.
  • Paul McDonald - I guess this is AI's attempt at some man candy, but this guy just doesn't do it for me. And his voice is just weird.
  • Thia Megia - I've mentioned before that I can't stand the way this girl sings. It's so fake. Peggi Blu saw right through that shit.
  • Haley Rinehart - I'd take three Thia Megias over this broad any day. Talk about a fake voice. And she doesn't enunciate any of her words. Growling and guttural tones do not a song make.
  • Karen Rodriguez - She's OK. But I'm leery of anyone who comes from MySpace.
  • Robbie "Arjewleta" Rosen - We all thought Archuleta was The Chosen One, but it turned out to not be so. It could have been because he was Mormon. His Jewish counterpart might have a better shot at winning.
  • Pia Toscano - Meh. She's aight.
  • Lauren Turner - I only vaguely remember her singing a few times. She screams a lot, right?
  • Tatynisa Wilson - See above.
  • Rachel Zevita - LOVE. Girl is nuts, but she's got some pipes.
  • Julie Zorrilla - Someone could have possibly created Julie in a lab for the very purpose of winning American Idol. And they gave her a never ending supply of cartoonishly puffy skirts. For these reasons, I'm only lukewarm on her.
Gotta give a big shout-out to Jessica Cunningham, who showed off her double birdie after getting passed over in favor of Thia Megia. (Hey, I'd be pissed about that, too.) Mainly, she was just mad that the judges cut her on her birthday. And, actually, I'm surprised that J.Lo was able to follow through with such an evil move. But she did and Jessica's gone and now she's sad because Idol "ruined her birthday." Yo, Jess, wait until you see the Ford commercials and hear the crappy coronation single. Be happy you just had a bad birthday. This show could have ruined so much more.

The boys sing for your votes next Tuesday, followed by Wednesday's ladies' night. Thursday is the results show (which better only be a half hour AS PROMISED).

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.


Idolhead Ed said...

I think you'll like Pia once the shows really starts. And like you I don't know quite why, but I am rooting for Zevita. Something about her I like.I liked her season 6.

Coaster Punchman said...

Who is this season's Mormon contestant? C'mon, we have to have at least one.

Shelly said...

I'm just pissed that they bumped Bones for Idol last night.

cube said...

How can J-Lo continue on the show with all this 'EMOTION' (and I'm channeling Counselor Troi from Star Trek: The Next Generation when I say the word).

words...words...words... said...

A shout-out! It's almost like I'm laying the groundwork for a triumphant bloggy return...

I have to check out this Rachel Zevita. She sounds right up my alley. Oh, and start learning the upright bass.

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

big storm..lost power...could not watch...I am clueless who these people are this year

Kristen said...

I like Paul and Thia's voices - but I have a very different taste in music. I do also really really like Casey and Naima. But, I am a little dissappointed most of these people already have careers in music or are on their way. I would like to have seen them pass through more underdogs that need this kind of help to make it.... oh well....

Cora said...

I can't believe the birthday chick has tried out for this show for SEVEN YEARS in a row. Yikes. Might be time to try another life path, perhaps. If she's back auditioning again next year I'll know she has no self respect. So sad.

Scope said...

Brett Lowenstern - I see him as the gimpy gazelle of the group. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't mind me a crazy mop of red hair, but he's doomed.

Paul Champagne said...

I think this year we will have one of the strongest top 12's ever.

Of course America has to do their part by eliminating some of the headscratchers (those that you wonder how they made it this far).

Dale said...

As usual, I loved your recap more than the show and you're spot on with just about all of your assessments. I may have to fight you at some point but right now? You're on target!

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

Judging only by the commercials and your recap, as I tend to do with Idol, was an awesome performance by J-Lo, way better than she did in The Wedding Planner or The Back-Up Plan...


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