Finally, the first round of auditions are over and it's Hollywood Week! Ugh, that means I have to start remembering people's last names now.
This is usually my favorite part of the show, but this year is just so boring so far that I can't really muster up any excitement. (Although I am looking forward to group day next week.) Still, as dull as it's all been, Seacrest is still trying to convince us that everything is awesome. THERE'S TWO TIMES THE DRAMA! TWO TIMES THE TALENT! BRACE YOURSELF! JULIANNE HOUGH IS THE BEST BEARD EVER! WOOPS, I CAN'T BELIEVE I SAID THAT OUT LOUD!!
Brett Lowenstern is in the first group and makes it through to the next round, thanks to a little bit of "Let it Be." Take that, high school bullies! Some other chick makes it through with him. What the hell was her name...Symphony? Really?
Another group of three who've already gotten mad face time make it through: Rachel Zevita, Thia Megia and Casey Abrams. I still can't stand this Thia chick. Good Lord, she's terrible.
Ah, Victoria Huggins. Remember her from the Jersey auditions? Everyone thought she was so cute and perky but my response was, "This girl needs to crash and burn immediately." Well, sometimes you do indeed get what you need. After she brought like 50 suitcases with her to Hollywood, she totally tanked her audition and was quickly eliminated. Am I a bad person for reveling in her disappointment so much? Probably. Do I care? Not at all. Anyway, Victoria knows that she's North Carolina's idol. So there you go, North Carolinians. You get to keep her. And you still have Anoop Desai! How lucky can one state get?
Up next is last night's big winner on the Wheel of Misfortune, James Durbin. He does "Oh! Darling," a song that I now hate because it's been destroyed about 75 times in the past two weeks. While he's shrieking, I just keep thinking about his poor kid at home running around with poop falling out of his bum because James can't afford diapers. But he can afford fingerless gloves and ridiculous scarves. Couldn't he wrap the kid in one of the scarves? That's probably better for the environment than disposable diapers anyway.
James' group includes another VSC, Paris Tassin, who sings "My Heart Weew Go On." Also, we hear Lauren Alaina, the already-proclaimed 15-year-old winner of the show, singing Lord Cowell's favorite, "Unchained Melody." (Didn't someone give her the memo that Simon isn't judging anymore?) And then there's Stormi Henley, doing a shitastic version of Sugarland's "Stay." Stormi is told to leave (oh, I love when musical irony strikes) while the other three get to hang around.
Chris Medina talks about his disabled fiancee. Go figure. Then he sings rather Gokeyishly, makes it through and cries as "Fix You" plays, which is the producers' way of suggesting that winning this karaoke competition will somehow fix said disabled fiancee. BLARGH. I still tend to think that Chris is probably a stand up guy, but maybe he shouldn't talk. Because when he talks, he says things like this: "For me to come here and have Juliana's...situation...I use it as an inspiration. An experience to get through this impossible task in front of me now." And I thought Syesha Mercado was an asshole for comparing her journey on AI to the civil rights movement. Eesh.
Hollie Cavanaugh (who sings well when she isn't weeping), Jacee Badeaux (who VFTW has dubbed "Justin Blubber") and Robbie Rosen (who I've dubbed Jewish Archuleta until I'm confident that Arjewleta isn't too offensive) each get a yes. But poor Steve Beghun, the accountant who bears a resemblance to Ben Roethlisberger, gets shit-canned. Jesus, even Big Ben's lookalikes can't win.
Day 1 ends with more cuts, as Jacquelyn Dupree (I called it!), Sarah Sellers (she of the big lips) and Heidi Ka-ZAAM all get sent home. Some random cut kid sobs that he has "nothing." Well, why didn't he play that up from the beginning?? Step up to the wheel, son, and see if you can spin yourself a sob story!
Day 2's opening Ford Focus montage is followed by a montage of people horribly blowing their auditions. Well, at least they won't ever have to make any Very Brady Ford Focus ads.
The ex-lovahs, Rob Bolin and Chelsee Oaks are in a group together. And because the producers like to mess with people, they have Rob rooming with Nick Fink and Chelsee rooming with Jacqueline Dunford. That's right, the exes are living with the self-proclaimed Idol super couple. Rob and Chelsee both survive the first round of cuts. It's apparent that one half of Nicqueline is going to get cut, but Seacrest still yammers on about dramatic goings on up in here. I could do without Jacqueline because she's dreadfully loud, but she's still the better half in this relationship, because Nick is bloody awful. It's no surprise when he's cut, but his reaction to it is quite unexpected. Well, not so much "unexpected" as "painfully embarrassing." As if his whining and begging to sing again for the judges so that he can continue on with his "baby" isn't bad enough, as he is walking out of the auditorium, he stops, turns around and starts singing like a little kid who just got sent to his room and is trying to make a statement. The judges look half baffled, half amused, while Jacqueline looks exactly like someone who just decided to break up with her boyfriend.
Scotty McReery sings the same damn song he did at his first audition, as do Jackie Wilson and Jerome Bell. Proving that originality is overrated, they all make it through. I like Jackie though, so I'm glad she's sticking around.
Tiffany (Snooki Star Tits) Rios tries to have a diva moment by blathering some egomaniacal nonsense, but instead of responding as she probably wants them to, the audience just sort of stares at her blankly. Then she brutally rapes one of my favorite Etta James songs, "All I Could Do Was Cry," while trying not to split her sausage casing dress in half. And somehow...SHE MAKES IT THROUGH. Apparently, they need to keep her brand of crazy for a little bit longer. Bad ratings, you know.
Travis Orlando (the guy who lived in a shelter) is obviously nervous. He totally blows it. And amazingly, the judges don't give him a special VSC pass.
A bunch of other people make it to next week, including Clint Jun Gamboa, Julie Zorilla, Naima Adedapo, Aaron and Mark Gutierrez, Molly DeWolf Swensen (Lewinsky), Emily Anne Reed (yay!), Stefano Langone and Ashley (meth's best friend) Sullivan.
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