I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that American Idol is only an hour long tonight! Yee-hah! The bad news? When people start singing and the sob stories pour forth, it still feels about 45 minutes too long.
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
The show kicks off with a fake public apology for Steven Tyler's recent behavior. Then some dude with the last name Muck walks in and Steven informs us that Muck rhymes with something. He's cut off before he can say it. Oh God, now we'll never know! What is it? What's the word? What? WHAT???
Auditioning first is Corey, who makes a bid for Very Special Contestant status with his tale about a long-lost sister who was kept from him for years by meddling parents. Actually, to anyone with siblings, that sounds delightful. Also, there's a guy whose fiancée is in a wheelchair this year. So, nice try Corey, but maybe you should stop talking now. The judges though, never ones to waste even the smallest Lifetime moment, continue the trend of bringing the Very Special Family Members into the audition room by getting Corey's sister to act as the fourth judge. As expected, she gives her bro a thumbs up for his sunny side up (translation: too runny) rendition of "I Can't Make You Love Me." Somehow, the averageness of it all does make the real judges love him, and Corey gets a golden ticket.
Next up is 17-year-old Hollie who instantly gets on my bad side by ruining one of my favorite songs, "At Last." Randy says no, but Hollie cries just enough to convince J.Lo to give her a second chance. She cleverly chooses Miley's "The Climb" to deliver a message to the panel about how she will, like, climb uphill battles, like, move mountains and, like, hold her head high and stuff like that, so that's...PRETTY COOL. And even though she cries through most of it, the judges are all impressed and Randy totally takes back his no and, like, gives Hollie a yes. So that's...PRETTY COOL. (If you don't know what I'm referencing, I'm sorry. Here, watch this.)
A bunch of crybabies precedes a guy named Rodolfo (who doesn't cry) singing "The Circle of Life" badly, but not so bad that it's good or so bad that it's funny or so bad that it's anything. I have no idea what the point of showing this audition is because it isn't memorable in any way.
A bunch of cowboys precedes a guy named John Wayne Schultz, supposedly a real cowboy who does whatever it is that cowboys do these days. His dad says that he named him John Wayne because he wanted a boy who was rough and tough. Ryan makes a funny by suggesting that it would suck if he had been Mr. Schultz's son, but without missing a beat, Dad responds, "No, because then you wouldn't be the way you are." (If it's one thing cowboys know, it's how to beat the gay out of their kids.) But for as rough and tough as John is, he still has a bit of VSC in him, as he reveals that his mom had breast cancer and he's auditioning for Idol to make her happy. John medicates mom and the judges with his pleasant vanilla voice and gets a golden ticket. After all the celebrating, Ryan shows the camera a belt buckle injury to his hand, saying he doesn't know how it happened. Yeah, I'm sure he doesn't.
And that's Day 1. Wow.
Day 2 starts off with Courtney, a 17-year-old obsessed with Seacrest. Courtney tries really hard to be cute and funny with her chicken clucking and flirting with the judges, but she's just a supremely annoying attention whore. Just as I'm thinking that someone this obnoxious must be a terrible singer, she does an average version of Sugarland's "Stay." Average vocals + irritating personality = an equation that Idol just can't pass up, so she makes it through to Hollywood. (Oh, and did I also mention she was wearing the required uniform? Baby doll dress and boots FTW, always.) Afraid she wasn't being bothersome enough, Courtney tries the "I didn't make it" fake out on her family, even though we've all seen the video monitors out in the waiting room.
Next we briefly see Shauntel (wearing her best slutty short-shorts), Alex (an unremarkable jolly dude) and Caleb (a turd who thinks he's Chris Cornell), who all make it through based on who-knows-what. Actually, it's revealed that a shit ton of people get golden tickets off camera. Hmm, why couldn't they just handle all the golden ticket-giving off camera and call us when the real show starts?
Apparently, there wasn't enough time to show a lot of the (supposedly) good auditions, yet we're blessed with an extended infomercial about two idiots who think they're going to be the next big Idol super couple. (The first being Michael Johns and me, obviously.) Jacqueline just kind of yells for "Mercy" (as do I) while trying to move in a too-tight dress. Nick has a better voice but never stops smiling, which is a little creepy. The judges would never break up such a happy couple, so they both get a ticket to Hollywood.
A down-home blonde country girl named Janelle sings and everyone acts like she's amazing. I don't get it.
A chick in an armadillo costume kicks off the requisite parade of idiots as Day 2 nears its end.
The last audition belongs to Casey, who says people compare him to Seth Rogen. The camera man, feeling a little meaner, says he looks like something from Fraggle Rock. Thanks a lot, stupid camera man, for putting that theme song in my head for the rest of the week. Right away I like Casey because he plays a melodica, just like Damon Albarn. (Please don't tell Damon that I mentioned him in an AI recap.) Casey does a very Steven Tyler-esque version of "I Don't Need No Doctor" and his double negatives snag him a triple yes from the judging panel.
In the end, 50 people from Austin receive golden tickets.
Tomorrow night, it's off to L.A., where we're sure to find some freaks with terrific sob stories.
Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.