Guess who went back on their promise to cut the results shows down to 30 minutes? I guess the producers decided that we just couldn't possibly do without the awkward group sings, wretched Ford commercials and the product/movie/TV show placement of the week.
Tonight, Seacrest tells us that Casey Abrams is in the hospital once again. Poor Yukon. This show is literally killing him. Maybe he should get out while the getting's good?
We also get to see the obscenely opulent Idol Mansion, in which the kids run around and scream just like the contestants do in every season premiere of The Real World or America's Next Top Model. What I don't get is why the producers only gave the contestants two bedrooms—one for the boys and one for the girls. There is 15,000 square feet in this place and they've got it set up like a hostel.
The Michael Jackson group medley is appropriately awful, but I can't tell if the kids are lip synching or not. Parts of it sound like they are, but other parts don't. Maybe it's a mix. Who cares; it's irritating either way. I will say that I'm actually starting to like The Durbinator. He's goofy.
Next up is a video of the gang at the premiere of Red Riding Hood. I can't believe these twits get to meet Gary Oldman. I've had a crush on him since before a lot of these kids were born.
Seacrest finally gets to some results. Jacob, Karen and Stefano are all called forward and Karen is the first to end up in the Bottom 3.
Whoa, man. That was too much resultin'. We need to take a break. Cue Adam Lambert's return to the Idol stage for an unplugged version of "Aftermath." Glambert is looking rather svelte and reins in the shriekage for the most part, but I don't know...he just does nothing for me anymore. Musically or physically. Yeah, I know, I'm fickle.
Next to learn their fates are Lauren, Ashthon and Haley. Ryan lets that sniveling little princess Lauren off the hook early and sends Ashthon to the Bottom 3...along with Haley! Wait, what? You mean, everyone left on the couch is safe? Seacrest isn't making them all go through the results process?? Wow, he's really growing as a presenter. Either that or they're running out of time.
[Side note: Hey, J.Lo. Don't ever compare Haley to Stevie Nicks again, or I will go totally white witch on your ass. Thank you.]
Diddy Chitty Bang Bang or whatever the hell he's going by these days takes the stage to sing "Coming Home." Well, not really sing, but you know what I mean. Skylar Grey is doing most of the singing, and she does it well.
Finally, the results are in and Ashthon finds herself on the chopping block. She sings for one final chance, but she knows as well as we do that the judges aren't going to blow their save this early in the game. So, nice knowing you Ashthon, but most of us won't remember you until you show up again at the finale or Idol Gives Back.
Obviously, I'm not starting off the season very well prediction-wise. I only guessed one of the Bottom 3 correctly and picked the wrong cast-off. It's OK, though. I'm confident that Beckstradamus will be back next week.
As for the new kiss-off song, David Cook's reboot of the Simple Minds classic, "Don't You (Forget About Me)," ehhhhh, I'm not sure about it. It kind of just sounds like the cover done by another Idol—Billy.
Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.