Cry as you may! Whine as you might! If you didn't get the votes, you'll be dead on this night.
Time now for the special St. Patrick's Day results show. And, if you're anything like me, the first things that come to mind when you think of Irish revelry are manufactured drama, Lee DeWyze and the Black Eyed Peas. Unnggghhh. I could really go for a pint or six right about now, but I did a little too much partying over the weekend (Chicago-style), so I'm taking it easy.
Now, you might think that my mini-detox is causing the chills and dry heaves I'm experiencing but, in this case, it's all due to the group sing. Trying to capitalize on Glee's popularity, the kids perform a mashup of Steppenwolf's "Born to Be Wild" and Lady Gaga's "Born This Way." Parts of it aren't too bad and the Idolettes may actually be singing—gasp!—live, but the general stench of cornball overpowers the performance. As for the Ford commercial, this week's is even more stupid than usual. I'm just glad TPTB had the sense to not let Stefano drive any of the cars.
In case you didn't know, the American Idol 10th Anniversary "Best Of" CD is out now. To help promote it, Ryan reveals that there is a free one under each seat. The audience reacts as if Oprah just showed up with Ford Fiestas for everyone.
Anyhoo...on to the results.
Casey, Jacob and Lauren are all safe. Seacrest summons Haley and Paul and reveals that Haley is in the Bottom 3. I'm 1-1.
Anyhoo...enough results. It's time to welcome back last season's big, huge embarrassing failure. And he's the guy who won. Yes, good ol' Lee DeadEyez takes the stage as leprechauns run around the studio, jabbing the audience with cattle prods so that they'll applaud. After his performance of a song no one will ever hear again unless they bring it upon themselves, Seacrest asks Lee to give the Idolettes some advice. I think he tells them to be as boring as possible and they'll go far. Content that she's on the right track, Thia Megia pats herself on the back. I would love to see a staring contest between Lee and Thia. You know, whoever breaks their vacant expression first loses. It would be the dullest Mexican standoff ever.
Back to the results again. Scotty, Pia and James are all safe. Seacrest calls over Stefano and Naima and sends Naima to the uncomfortable stools. Good. Not only because I'm 2-2, but also because this keeps Stefano in the Idol mansion and not out there on the roads.
It comes down to Karen and Thia. Who is the most loyal: the Latino voters or the Filipino voters? Turns out, it's the Filipino voters. Karen is in the Bottom 3. I'm 3-3! Beckstradamus is back!
The Black Eyed Peas show up, which is probably great for the 20 or so people who aren't suffering from Black Eyed Fatigue. As for me, I'll just close my eyes and dream of the day when AI is smart enough to get, say, Flogging Molly to perform on St. Paddy's Day.
Finally, the results are in and it looks like Beckstradamus isn't entirely back. Somehow, Haley lives to growl another day and Karen is sent packing. Well, technically, she has to sing for her life, but we all know that the judges aren't going to burn their save this early, especially when Karen's voice is cracking like crazy. Of course, they put on a show—pretending to deliberate and claiming that their decision isn't unanimous—but, honestly, J.Lo's performance in The Wedding Planner was more convincing.
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