Do you hear that? It's the dramatic piano of doom. Even though the overpaid graphics department tells us that we "won't believe who's going home," I would bet all of Paul's Crest Whitestrips that we'll be saying "see ya" to Thia Megia.
Thia, send not to know for whom the key plinks...it plinks for thee.
As for the other cast-offs, well, I'm not entirely confident in my predictions but we'll see how it goes.
Apparently, Idol blew the special guest budget on Jamie Foxx and will.i.am, because we have to be entertained by the current Idolettes and a former one—Fantasia. Oh joy. Can't wait for her newest song, which I'm guessing is titled, "Yeah Yeah Yeeeeeeeeeeeeah YEAAAH!"
The Idolettes have been put into groups to perform and then hear their results. First up are Scotty and Lauren singing the Carrie Underwood/Randy Travis duet, "I Told You So." They sound decent enough together, I suppose. To no one's surprise, both of them are safe.
I know I said I was going to stop acknowledging the Ford commercials, but this week's is so supremely awful that it must be mentioned. Set to one of the biggest musical turds of all-time, "Kryptonite," it fittingly features the Idolettes as superheroes. Naima is like Halle Berry's lamewad X-Men character, whose superpower is faking a Jamaican accent. She can also save people from a burning building just by yelling, "OOOH, FIRE!" Jacob is like that girl from The Incredibles who makes force fields. He uses his powers for good: to save James Durbin's Grimley 'do from being flattened by a hail storm. And Casey is Colitis Boy, who, luckily, has super speed. 'Cause when he's gotta go, he's gotta go. As for Scotty, he don't need no dang superheroes no how, 'cause he's from the country and is used to doing thangs fer hisself. So when a streetlight threatens to take out his new Ford, well, shucks, he just moves it up yonder a piece!
Back in the studio, mere mortal James reveals to Seacrest that he received a custom-made WWE belt from a fan. A fan with waaaay too much disposable income. What do you think is a worse fate: becoming a crazy cat lady or an obsessed Idol worshipper? I'm thinking the latter, because at least cats will love you back. Well, as much as a cat can love anything. Stupid cats.
Naima and Jacob switch gender roles to sing Ashford and Simpson's "Solid," and it's anything but. I mean, I give them an A for effort but an E for ehhhh. When they head to center stage, Ryan reveals that Naima is in the Bottom 3. Not surprising. I'm 1-1 so far.
After many threats, Seacrest finally brings out Fantasia to sing about collard greens and cornbread, and it's times like this when I really miss Simon. This definitely calls for that famous WTF look. Judging from the get-up, 'Tasia (and no one else) thinks she's a pinup girl. And she's stealing all of McSparkleteeth's audience shout-outs! I'm guessing that Fanny had about 10 servings of cornbread before hitting the stage tonight. Still not satisfied, she unhinges her jaw and shoves an entire sweet potato pie into her cavernous mouth. Ryan then approaches and slowly intones, "Fantasia, YOU are in the Bottom 3."
Wait. Some of that may have been a daydream. My mind started to wander a little bit.
I'll give Fantasia this: she actually gives the Idolettes relatively good advice, by telling them to surround themselves with people who are honest and won't just kiss your ass and be yes men. I mean, it's not Earth-shattering advice, but since AI guest stars can usually only manage to cough up a "Be yourself" or "Love what you do" while trying to pimp their latest record, it was a refreshingly thoughtful bit of guidance.
Haley, Thia and Pia follow that display with a cover of Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream." Right out of the gate, Haley screws up the words and then just barks, growls and grins, content in the knowledge that America can always be fooled into thinking that whoever was in the pimp spot on performance night was actually worth voting for. As if we didn't all already know that Thia was in danger, she's the only one in the trio who doesn't get a solo part. Sure enough, Pia and Haley are sent back to safety and Thia joins Naima on the uncomfortable stools.
Kris Allen in the hizzy! I can almost see your baffled expressions, readers. Kris Allen. You know him. He's that white guy with the dark hair who won. No, not that one. The other one. NO, not THAT one. The OTHER one. That's right. The gay guy didn't win that year. Seriously.
When one doesn't book enough guests, one must rely on other means of time-wasting entertainment. Roll the Idol home movies! We're all treated to a video package that shows just how hard the Idolettes have it. They have to spend long hours in the studio, recording. They have to take private jets to Phoenix to perform at charity events. They meet Muhammad Ali and have to pretend like they know who he is. They have to do the Ford commercial. (OK, so I do feel bad for them on that one.) They have to move out of their mansion when it springs several leaks. (Come on, we all know the real reason: ghosts!) They have to pretend to be concerned and not laugh hysterically when Lauren falls down the steps and right on her ass. They have to select what they'll perform each week from a really long list of, like, 20 songs! Songs by people they've never heard of!! THAT'S HARD!! They have to get thurr hair did. They have to rehearse with Marc Anthony and pretend not to be grossed out by his skeletal frame. They have to endure more hyperbole about THE GREATEST SAVE IN THE HISTORY OF THE SHOW...and so do we.
Formed a band, James formed a band. Look at him. James formed a band! (This will kill with Art Brut fans.) James, Paul, Casey and
Ringo Stefano perform "Band on the Run" like it's the talent show at the Marlton Charter School for the Deaf. Holy hell, this is terrible. Didn't Jimmy Iovine and his stable of producers at least put these kids through a Harmony 101 class before shoving them out on stage together? James actually sounds really good on his solo parts, but anytime they're all singing together, it's pure torture.
The guys head to center stage and Seacrest announces that Casey and James are safe, and that Dancing Paul—not Stefano as I'd expected—is in the Bottom 3.
Before getting to the final results, we simply must be assaulted by the musical stylings of Jamie Foxx and will.i.am. They bring a bit of Carnival to the stage as part of a giant plug for their new film, Rio, which I was saddened to find out is an animated film and not a Duran Duran documentary. Man, this song has the dumbest lyrics I've heard since "Collard Greens and Cornbread." Hmm, you know what though? If Naima gets booted, she can always get a job as one of these crazy backup dancers.
Naima will probably be handing her resume to Jamie Foxx very soon because Paul is proclaimed safe, which means that she (along with Thia) is indeed out. I'm not sad to see Thia go, but I really enjoyed Naima and her FIRE. Here's hoping she gets to perform at the Finale with Jimmy Cliff.
Thursday, March 31, 2011