Results night. We get to find out what America's 40 million votes were for. There are still so many contestants and they are entering so quickly that the camera men can barely keep up! Seacrest promises that DRAMA LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE IS ABOUT TO UNFOLD!! American Idol: It's better than Cats!
Thursday, March 03, 2011
To keep America on its toes (read: the producers have no idea what they're doing), this whole wild card situation has been explained in several different ways. Forget whatever you've previously heard. Tonight, the judges will ask a few people who don't make it to the Top 10 to sing once more and then wild card picks will be made. Whatever takes up two hours, right?
Speaking of which, Seacrest has a boatload of video packages up his sleeve tonight. Let's take a look back at the auditions. Let's take a look at everyone's journeys. Let's take a look at the contestants being silly. Let's laugh as Brett Loewenstern describes himself as a "rainbow cookie in a batch of chocolate chip cookies." Let's...get on with it.
Part I: Forming the Top 10
The mysterious Kieran dims the lights and Ryan does what he does best: drags....shit....out.
Scotty McCreery and Robbie Rosen are up first. Scotty, people love your Howdy Doody-meets-G.W. vibe and the way you sing out of the side of your mouth. You're in! Sorry, Arjewleta. You got nosed out.
Clint Jun Gamboa, Jordan Dorsey and Jovany Barretto come to center stage. Clint looks like he just swallowed some vomit. It's clear that none of these guys are getting through to the finals but Seacrest only cuts Clint and Jordan right away, dangling false hope in front of Jovany for a little while before sending him back to the uncomfortable stools.
Pia Toscano and Lauren Alaina are next. When Ryan asks Lauren what she thinks of Randy comparing her to Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood, she whiningly drawls, "I don't know, I'm just Lauren." I'm not sure what Lauren needs more, an etiquette class, a smack in the ass or a hairbrush. At any rate, it's a surprise to no one when Lauren is placed on the winner's sofa and Pia quickly follows.
Ta-Tynisa Wilson and Julie Zorrilla both step up to the plate, swing and miss.
Seacrest summons Kendra Chantelle, Ashthon Jones and Karen Rodriguez and, in the first surprise of the night, Ashthon is cut. Kendra soon follows her to the stools, while Karen is sent to the comfy couch.
Jacob Lusk, Casey Abrams and Tim Halperin arrive at Seacrest's side. Jacob makes it through, followed by Casey, leaving Lee DeWyze v2.0 the odd man out.
Next it's a trio of ladies: Naima Adedapo, Thia Megia and Lauren Turner. Naima and Lauren's twentysomethingness is no match for Thia, THE 15-YEAR-OLD.
Brett Loewenstern gives Paul McDonald a big hug. Brett just likes hugging; hugging's his favorite. Guess he should have made singing his favorite, because he's out and the Pepsodent Man is in. Time to order a pair of those as-seen-on-TV Blublockers, everyone, if you haven't already.
It's down to Haley Reinhart and Rachel Zevita for the final girls' spot. GREAT. Because Rachel tanked last night, I already know what's going to happen here. Yep, Growly McSlutterson is in. There is no God.
Finally, we have James Durbin and Stefano Langone competing for the last boys' spot. And if you thought Stefano had any chance of beating out The Durbinator, you've got another thing coming. Also, you haven't really been paying attention to this show.
Part II: Wild Card Round
The judges decide to choose three girls and three boys to sing again.
First up is Ashthon. She sings "And I Am Telling You," a song she already sang in Hollywood. (And if I may jump ahead a few minutes into the future, it turns out that all of them are singing songs they've already sung. So, I guess the judges aren't interested in hearing what else these kids have to offer? I guess that's a silly question.) Randy loves Ashthon's diva attitude and J.Lo believes that Ashthon deserves to be here.
Leading off for the boys is Stefano. He does "I Need You Now," which is kind of a terrible song but he sings it well with plenty of weird facial expressions. Stefano is blessed with a "good lookin' out," one of The Dawg's highest compliments. You'd think Steven wouldn't be able to follow those iconic words, but he manages to top them with, "you gilded the lily of your own passion." Paula Abdul sits at home and weeps, thinking this is the most beautiful thing she's ever heard.
Kendra gets another shot to sing "Georgia on My Mind." She's still very good.
Jovany tries to work the sob story angle at the last minute by randomly tossing in some cryptic tidbit about a lost love before launching into Jon Secada's "Angel," half en Espanol, half en Inglés. Look, Jovany, you're a good singer and all (and holy upper body, Batman), but we already have Karen for all of our bilingual needs. J.Lo says, "you did all you could do," which sounds like the kiss of death to me.
Naima sings "For All We Know" again. And then she cries again. I dig this chick, but she's gotta turn off the tears at some point. However, her emotion may have helped her as Steven is impressed that she "brought it from way down deep inside."
Robbie does a "Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word" redux. The Dawg loves Arjewleta's tenderness. Meanwhile, I try hard not to fall asleep. Sorry, Robbie, you're boring. See, "sorry" isn't that hard to say at all! Especially if you don't really mean it.
When Seacrest asks the judges for their wild card picks, they act like they're not ready yet. As luck would have it, the extra time they'll need to make a decision is exactly as long as it takes to premiere J.Lo's new video for "On the Floor!" Wow, and everyone made a big deal out of how Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" sounded like Madonna. This song sounds like a mash-up of at least four different dance songs while also sampling "Lambada." Ooh, J.Lo, you naughty girl. The Lambada is the FORBIDDEN DANCE! I would have liked this song more had she sampled Count von Count's "Lambaba."
And now that we've danced around for two hours, we can finally end this by finding out who is going to round out the Top 12. Oh, wait! It's going to be a Top 13! Ryan is so excited about this "curveball." I don't know...from where I'm standing, that came right over the middle of the plate. Come on, we all knew it would be a Top 13. And the three wild card picks heading to the Top 13 are Ashthon, Stefano and Naima.
I'm pretty happy with the Top 13, with two major exceptions. Even though I called it, I'm still disappointed in America for not voting for Lauren Turner, who is hands-down the best singer of the girls. And the fact that Haley sits comfortably in the Top 10 makes this even more maddening. As far as the wild cards, I think they are good choices but it's a shame that there wasn't room for Kendra. I think she's vocally better than both Ashthon and Naima, but is missing their stage presence.
I'm also excited that I went 8 for 10 with my Top 10 predictions, and correctly called Naima as a wild card last night. Hopefully, this means that I'm back to being Beckstradomus, after falling apart in the face of last season's mediocrity and getting nearly everything wrong.
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