American Idol 10: I'm Getting Too Old For This Too, Murtaugh

This week, the Idolettes are covering songs from their birth years, a theme that always causes me to have the following two conversations with myself:

1. If I could sing (not that this really matters) and if this show wasn't ageist (the big stumbling block), I would get on here and totally rock "Bad Bad Leroy Brown" or "Little Willy."
2. People born in the '90s are old enough to be on American Idol?? OH MY GOD. Now, where is my shawl? And where the hell did I leave my teeth?

Well, let's get on with this trip down Jesus I'm Old Lane, shall we?

Naima Adedapo (didn't even need to look up the spelling of her name this time, *pats self on back*) wants to know "What's Love Got To Do With It?" Well, I can tell you all that love has nothing to do with this performance. The judges all gave her a pitchy pass last week because she was dancing, but she's just kind of strutting around this week and still not hitting too many of the right notes. She still has a certain stage presence though, which I'm guessing is why the judges are still being fairly nice to her. J.Lo (who's looking rather lionesque tonight) and Randy do call Naima on the pitchiness, but Steven thinks she has a "sorcerer's grasp of melody." I think I might have an end-of-season quiz, in which I post a bunch of Steven's quotes with a bunch of Paula's old quotes and you all have to guess who said what.

In his video package, Paul McDonald's parents talk about where their son's "talent" comes from, and his dad willingly takes the credit blame for it. Clearly, Paul (suffering from a cold and raspier than usual) still thinks he's playing the nearest roadside inn as he asks the crowd, "What's up y'all?" when taking the stage. What's up, McSparkleteeth, is that you're ruining a perfectly good Elton John song ("I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues"). There are people who love this guy ironically (VFTW) and people who love him un-ironically (the judges, lonely housewives, dumb tweens, the tone deaf, dentists), but I am in neither camp. I guess I should find his complete ineptitude funny but, for some reason, I just can't. I might have to put him on my list of People I Would Punch In The Face Immediately Upon Meeting, somewhere between the Nationwide Insurance guy and John Mayer.

There are plenty of songs from 1995 that Thia Megia probably could have done well. Des'ree's "You Gotta Be." Natalie Merchant's "Carnival." Maybe even something *gasp* up-tempo like Dionne Farris's "I Know." Or that "Short Dick Man" song. (OK, not really. Just making sure you're paying attention.) So, what does she pick? The boring Pocahantas song, "Colors of the Wind." And she does absolutely nothing to make it un-boring. I wish Simon were here to make a "boat cruise" comparison, but Randy at least calls it "pageant" and complains that Thia always takes the safe route. My favorite bit is when Steven asks if this song really captures who Thia is and she mumbles something about how the song reflects "what's going on in the world today," and then tries to change the subject as quickly as possible before anyone asks her exactly what she means. I think she was about five seconds from saying that U.S. Americans should help the Iraq such as maps education tsunami such as uh uh such as.

Peggi Blu in the house! Unfortunately, Thia has to taint my memory of Peggi by claiming that she was a real pussycat off-camera. Auuugh, why must you ruin everything, you dead-eyed little twit?

Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy are also in the house. Does anyone care? Apparently not, considering that they were given seats way in the back. Wow, even Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin can get better seats.

James Durbin chooses to sing Mr. Bovine Joni's "I'll Be There For You," which is a problem for me because I can't believe this guy—who's, let's face it, karaoke show or not, achieved more success in his young life than I'll probably ever have—may have been just traveling down the birth canal at the very moment I was swaying with my lighter to this very song at a Bon Jovi show. I expected James to do pretty well with this song, but it's kind of off-pitch and the back-up singers are way too loud. And the requisite shriek may be short, but it's not pretty. Still, the judges lap it all up. Steven, the guy who sang a love song to an asteroid, begs James to not get "too poppy." James then basically promises that he'll be in the finale, saying that he's planning on singing an Aerosmith song.

Are Haley Reinhart's eyes getting closer together every week, or is it just my imagination? Well, there's one thing I'm sure of: this chick was just named valedictorian of the Chrustin Richardslake™ School of Nasally Singing's most recent graduating class, where she minored in Misplaced Growling. She half-asses her way through Whitney Houston's "I'm Your Baby Tonight," prompting lukewarm responses from the judges.

If you don't know by now that Stefano Langone was busted for a DUI prior to his AI stint, uh, well, you do now. (Sorry, I thought I could work his song title into something clever and I failed miserably.) Generally, when any kind of controversy comes to light, it doesn't bode well for the contestant in question. The producers usually always find a way to get rid of them. A lot of times, things might "accidentally" go wrong during a performance, like a bad mix or a non-working mic...but no one seems to be sabotaging Stefano tonight. Randy even deems his pretty good cover of Simply Red's cover of "If You Don't Know Me By Now" the "best performance of the night so far." And, judging from some of the comments over on that Star article, the lonely housewives are out in full-force to defend Stefano's drunk ass, so he probably won't get "voted" out. Maybe we'll tune in tomorrow to find that he's been disqualified...who knows.

Pia Toscano has a good voice. She's pretty. We all know this. But I'm so bored by her. Even when she tries to turn Whitney's "Where Do Broken Hearts Go?" into a little lite disco, I'm rather unmoved. Still, Steven believes that Pia is the reason "the show is called American Idol," as if that makes any sense, while The Dawg just barks that Pia has "a minute to win it." Woops, my mistake, he says she's "in it to win it." Damn. I was just thinking that this show would be way more interesting if these kids had to do stupid stunts while performing.

During his intro package, we discover that Scotty McCreery was a toddler Elvis impersonator. We're also treated to his parents singing "babylockthemdoors," which is pretty awesome. Then Scotty sings Travis Tritt's "Can I Trust You With My Heart" in that same side-leaning, crooked-mouthed, deep-voiced way he sings everything and I begin to fall asleep. Yes, once again, I passed out for a couple of hours while I DVRed the rest of the show. (And now you know why my recap is so late.) The last thing I hear before my eyes close is Randy letting everyone know that he made a record with Travis Tritt and the other judges showering Scotty with praise.

I wake up and fast forward to Karen Rodriguez's performance of "Love Will Lead You Back." Even though she tells Jimmy Iovine that she doesn't just want to be known as the girl who sings Spanish, she throws a couple of Spanish lines in at the very end. The judges agree with me (well, I'm still not really sure what the hell J.Lo is saying) that this is just OK. However, Steven applauds Karen for breaking into her "ethnic what-it-is-ness."

Casey Abrams has "old parents," who are definitely hippie stoners. They remind me of Debbie's parents from Valley Girl. One of the things that I'm liking about this season is that many of the contestants are picking songs that have never been done on the show before. Even if they fail (hi, Paul McDonald, you raper of Ryan Adams), it's ten times better than having to sit through another version of "Kiss From A Rose" or "I'll Be." That said, Casey's decision to sing Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" has disaster written all over it. But you know what? He doesn't care. He slaps the bass, makes crazy eyes and growls more than Haley. This may be even funnier than Weird Al's "Smells Like Nirvana." I guess I wouldn't be laughing if he was shitting all over a Pearl Jam song, but since he isn't, I will laugh. Loud and long. The judges, on the other hand, seriously like this. J.Lo wishes there weren't as many screechy parts, but even she still loves it. Steven thinks that Casey is full of "the goop that great stuff is made from." I think everyone is high. Why can't the judges just be honest and say, "Man that was terrible, but terribly entertaining?"

Another Idolette who's fallen victim to the mansion sickness is Lauren Alaina, who brings out surgical masks for herself and Seacrest and then acts like she just drank a whole bottle of NyQuil. God, this girl is irritating. She's going on my Punch List, above McSparkleteeth. Then there's her Katherine Heigl wannabe mom, who wears too much pink (including a ridiculous, too-young-for-her pink plaid hat) and reminds me of a real life version of Amy Poehler's "cool mom" character from Mean Girls. I'm just saying, I bet she lets Lauren drink and have sex in the house. Anyway, Lauren does a pitchy, shouty version of "I'm The Only One" that somehow garners rave reviews from the panel.

In the pimp spot tonight is Jacob Lusk with a song that really needs to be retired from Idol already, Heart's "Alone." He puts his "Lusky stank" on it and, although there are a few bum notes in there (it usually takes him a second to get his scream on pitch), I feel as if I've just been transported to drag night at the karaoke club, so I have no problem with this. Steven proclaims that "gospel had a baby and named it Jacob Lusk," perhaps to throw everyone off the gay, Lusky scent that Jacob is emitting. It's kind of hilarious that the show is trying to convince everyone that Jacob is over the top because he's "churchy" and not because he's "a fan of the peen." But they've got to lie to Middle America if they want to keep the guy around.

I think it's going to be another all-girl Bottom 3 this week: Naima, Haley and Karen. Any of them could go, but I predict that Haley will get the boot.

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