Thursday, March 24, 2011

American Idol 10: It's The Same Old Song

Before I get on with the (already delayed) recappage, is anyone aware that Paul McDonald’s spastic dance moves have caused him to become something of an Internet superstar? Well, OK…“superstar” is pushing it. The Dancing Paul meme was actually started over at VFTW, so if you’re not a fan of that site then you’ve probably never seen the meme. However, a Worster created a Dancing Paul Tumblr, so maybe this thing will catch on after all. Below is one of my contributions to the meme—Pauly McD as a Motown hero. Or just some white guy trying to steal the spotlight away from the true Motown heroes.

So, I heard through the grapevine that Casey Abrams was going to do his impression of a California Raisin last night, but he looked a little more like a California douchebag with his hair all matted and slicked down. Backed by a group of roving violinists, he slithered out into the crowd like a lounge lizard and serenaded a female “friend” in the audience. Casey sounded pretty good through most of the song, but still managed to pepper in some of the strangled yowls that made up the whole of last week’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” Steven said that Casey is the “perfect entertainer,” and then should have stopped there. Because when he then said he had “perfect pitch,” I started to wonder if Steven actually knows anything about music, or even what planet he’s on. J.Lo and Randy blathered on about how original Casey is, refusing to acknowledge any similarity to Taylor Hicks, Carson Higgins or Yukon Cornelius.

Thia Megia finally decided to do an up-tempo song! Hooray! Her version of “Heat Wave” started out promising, but quickly settled into high school talent show territory. Thia tried to overcome her dead-eye problem by scrunching up her face a lot, which didn’t really make her performance any more convincing. And then she forgot some of the words. But because the judges were so happy that Thia tried something different, they didn’t bother to mention her lyric flubbery. That’s just not the kinder, gentler Idol’s style! J.Lo asks again, “Are you 15? 16?” Turns out Thia turned 16 at some point. Well, there goes Idol’s hopes for crowning a 15-year-old winner. Aging was just about the dumbest thing Thia could have done. She just lost all of her cache.

On the other hand, Jacob Lusk has cache, baby. He’s got cache out the ying yang! Having learned from the hot mess that was “I Believe I Can Fly,” Jacob toned it down a bit for “You’re All I Need to Get By” and turned in a great performance. I only wish he'd sung Diana Ross's "I'm Coming Out." But perhaps that's for another time. Like during an exclusive Rolling Stone interview after the season is over. Anyway...the rubber-band mouth thing at the end was hilarious. The Lusky stank was in full effect. J.Lo tried to sing along but had no idea what the words were. Steven enjoyed the performance so much, he ran up on stage to give Jacob a big hug. Kirsten Dunst clapped in approval. Then Jacob’s grandmother wanted a hug. Then Seacrest invited the whole front row to go give hugs.

Apparently, Lauren Alaina just discovered the Googles. She revealed that people on the Webtubes are saying mean things about her, and somehow that has something to do with the message behind “You Keep Me Hanging On.” OK then. This girl grates on my nerves, but she actually sounded really good last night. And thank God someone took a flat iron to that rat’s nest because she looked great. Steven thought she “ripped that song another beauty mark,” while Randy liked that Lauren had her “swagger on high.”

I don’t know how many times these kids have to be warned about covering songs that other Idols have previously had great success with, but Stefano Langone obviously needed to hear it a few more times. He decided to do “Hello,” which was the song that propelled David Cook into the front-runner position in Season 7. While David transformed that song for the better, Stefano took a hatchet to that bust of Lionel Richie. And after that poor blind girl worked so hard on it. Tsk tsk. Seriously, his chipmunk-esque vocals made me wince in parts. I normally like Stefano, but that was not good. However, the judges all act like it was a perfectly fine performance, other than the lack of “emotional connection.” Then that Gordon Ramsay dick made Stefano’s mom emotional by dissing her homemade pasta. Didn’t anyone ever give that guy the memo that the pissy British dude schtick is old already? Didn’t anyone ever give him a swift kick to the balls? No, of course not. People just keep giving him TV shows for no good reason.

Haley Reinhart schlepped down the lucite staircase with all the grace of a 75-year-old ape. Or Liza Minnelli. Clearly, she had been in Liza’s wardrobe. She sang “You’ve Really Got a Hold on Me” and…well, I just don’t know. Some parts I almost liked, but some parts were ridiculous. Yeah, J.Lo, she can do a lot with her voice, but does she have to do it all, all at once? Traveling the spectrum from breathy baby talk into feral growling and back again isn’t exactly “singing.” Randy and J.Lo said a lot of words and Steven gave a bunch of cheesy guys their new pickup line, “You don’t look a day over fabulous.”

Shucks, y’all. Scotty McCreery damn near soiled himself when he heard he was a’gunna have to sing Motown this week. But with the help of some fancy, big-time producers, he managed to countrify “For Once in My Life.” Now, it wasn’t the train wreck that Kristy whats-her-face caused in Season 7 with her fiddle-laden version of “Eight Days a Week,” but still, this is another song that really doesn’t translate well to country. Of course, the biggest problem I had with this performance was just having to see it. Why does McCreepy lean like that? How does he? Does he have those special Michael Jackson “Smooth Criminal” shoes? Why does he sing out of the side of his mouth? And why does he insist on holding the microphone like it’s a messy, too-hot burrito? But no one is going to answer my questions because everyone loves Scotty. The judges. The audience. And, especially, the WOMEN. Ugh. I cannot believe that this kid is the “stud” of the show. My, how far we’ve fallen since the days of Michael Johns. (Wow, third Season 7 reference in as many paragraphs.)

Unlike Thia Megia, Pia Toscia, er, Toscano chose not to mix things up. Instead, she went with yet another ballad, Stevie Wonder’s “All in Love is Fair.” Once again, Pia looked and sounded great, but I’m sick of her just standing there, moving her hands occasionally while screaming into the mic. Randy at least called her on her balladry, saying, “You can’t live on ballads alone.” J.Lo asked Pia to stomp around the stage like Celine Dion. (Ooh, I hope she punches herself in the chest next week!) Steven babbled something about Pia being “the closest star in this American Idol universe.”

Paul McDonald took off his dancing shoes this week and picked up his guitar. Like Stefano, he threw caution to the wind by covering “The Tracks of My Tears,” which earned Glambert a serious tongue bath in Season 8. This probably isn’t saying much, but this was the least annoying Paul has been so far. His enunciation is still ridiculous, though. I swear he sang, “I’m masturbating” instead of “I’m masquerading” and that he was wearing his smile like makeup since his “breakup wit’ Jew.” Randy OMGed over Paul’s “tenderness,” while J.Lo liked his package. After noticing the cougar pin on Paul’s jacket, Seacrest said that might get him the “cougar vote.” Stupid Seacrest…the teens and tweens vote for Paul. The cougars are all about Scotty. *shudder*

Naima Adedapo sang and shook her Djibouti to “Dancing in the Street.” She wisely saved the African dancing until the end of the song, so she could actually breathe while she was performing. I thought she sounded great. I’ve always liked Naima. She’s never boring. Steven thought the performance was “E to the Z ooh tweedly-dee.” Paula Abdul was at home, kicking herself for never coming up with that one. J.Lo had goosebumps and The Dawg gave Naima one of his highest honors, the “Good Lookin’ Out” award.

Did anyone notice that Jennifer was interrupting Randy ALL DAMN NIGHT? Not that Randy ever has anything that important to say, but seriously…why can’t she shut up? Her critiques are DioGuardian in length to begin with. She doesn’t need to constantly talk over the other judges.

James Durbin took the pimp spot for his cover of Stevie’s “Living for the City.” It was pretty good, and the requisite screeches weren’t too hard on the ears this time around. I kept hoping that he would work some reference about not having enough money for diapers into the lyrics, but no such luck. After the performance, J.Lo said she was speechless…until Randy started to talk, that is. How dare he suggest that the beginning was a little rough?!? J.Lo MUST make her opinions known!! She finally shut up when Randy got to the part about how he thought the middle to end of the performance was “unbelievable,” but then started blathering again when Steven tried to talk.

Although Casey was in the dreaded lead-off spot, I think he has enough fans to keep him out of the Bottom 3 tonight. I think Haley will make her third trip to the B3, and she’ll be joined by Thia and Stefano. And then Haley will make her third escape from the B3 when Stefano gets the boot.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.


Ian said...

You're not the only one who thought they heard Paul say "masturbating" instead of "masquerading." I seriously thought he could've sung that intentionally and no one would've known.

If Stefano does get the boot I could see the judges using the dreaded save on him.

Chancelucky said...

In Gordon RAmsay's defense, Ryan didn't seem to like the pasta much either. "mmm, lots of garlic" then he brings out a big Coke to wash it down.

Billy said...

Seems like our own local gal Lauren might be saying sayonara tonight... It's so much less time-consuming to follow the show via POP EYE rather than having to actually watch it!

Cora said...

Yukon Cornelius! That's EXACTLY who he looks like! LOL!

My prediction for the bottom three: Haley, Naima and Thia. But I think Haley is going home. And good riddance too. I won't miss her at all.

tennysoneehemingway said...

Your re-caps actually make me sad that I'm missing this. That is fucking high praise, missy.

Candy's daily Dandy said...


I can't believe the shi* that just went down tonite!!!

Casey is my

Cora said...

Holy Hell! Did you just see that?!

carin said...

I'm STILL laughing at that poor blind girl reference...


Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

My photo
I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

What Do Others Think of BeckEye?

"You're like an idiot savant of terrible garbage entertainment." - Falwless

"You're my hero." - Candy

"Get yourself a life. Better yet.....eff off." - Ann Onymous

"There's no one like you." - Klaus Meine