American Idol 10: Where The Boys Are

Last night's theme on AI was Songs from the Cinema. I had such a good fake Where the Boys Are poster 90% made for this post, but because I violated the first rule of the universe by forgetting to SAVE, my PhotoShop decided to teach me a lesson by crashing and devouring my handiwork. Arrrrrrrgh. And the poster was funny, but it wasn't SO funny that I feel the need to create the damn thing from scratch. So here, have this lame-ass picture of the Top 8 with a few movie-related elements hastily pasted in.

On with the show...

It's always risky business going first, but sometimes you just have to say, "What the fuck." Paul McDonald threatens to dance around in his underwear to "Old Time Rock and Roll," but there's no way he could get out of that ridiculous rose suit in time. Tonight it's a different rose suit than last week. I call this one "Midnight in the Garden of Gleaming Enamel." Jimmy Iovine is regretting inviting will.i.am.i.said to the studio last week because the guy just won't leave. But he at least nixed Jimmy's idiotic idea to throw a drum machine and/or beatbox into a Bob Seger song. I'm immediately disappointed when Paul hits the stage because he doesn't ask me how I'm doing tonight. What the hell, dude? I really wanted to talk about my day. God, this guy's an idiot but I really am beginning to love him. Especially when he starts beating himself with a tambourine. Steven didn't hear any of Paul's performance because he was too preoccupied with the slutty blonde saxophonist. J.Lo thinks Paul is becoming more and more polished with every performance and Randy adds a new phrase to his arsenal of jibberish: "Good on you, baby, good on you."

Lauren Alaina is covering Miley Cyrus, natch. (It was either that or one of Gwyneth's dumb songs from that big budget Lifetime movie about the alcoholic country singer.) Jimmy reminds everyone that Miley isn't a very good singer by telling Lauren that if her cover isn't better than the original, she basically sucks. Hmm, I guess Miley won't be appearing on the show this season. Lauren sings about all the things Idol adores—moving mountains, fighting battles, etc.—and although she sounds perfectly fine, I'm not really digging it. The "judging" panel feels differently though, so it's tongue baths all around. Lauren's mom's hair brims with pride.

Filling the all ballads, all the time void left by Pia is Stefano Langone, who covers Boyz II Men's "End of the Road" from Boomerang. This reminds me that I actually saw Boomerang in the theater and I'm still waiting for Eddie Murphy to give me my money back. Stefano sings parts of the song well but other parts are a little bit whiny. Also, I can't fully get into a Boyz II Men song if it doesn't feature the deep, spoken-word part. (Girl, I'm here for you...) However, the judges love this performance as much as they love every other performance, which is SO, SO MUCH. Steven thinks this is "so not the end of the road" for Stefano, while J.Lo checks to make sure the censors are still awake by proclaiming this performance "the shit." Randy is just happy that he can tell everyone that he's friends with one of the Boyz II Men dudes. Now if only someone would do a song from Glitter so that he can remind everyone that he's BFFs with Mariah Carey.

Scotty McCreery is up next. Ah, the possibilities! Will he dare to take on the Glitter soundtrack? Will he show off his versatility by covering Donna Summer's "Last Dance" or even Eminem's "Lose Yourself?" Nah, he does a country song from a country movie. Scotty once again pretends his microphone is a delicious burrito, taunting the audience with it and smirking like a damn Smirky McSmirkerson. His voice sounds exactly as it always does and Steven approves. Seagal, that is. Oh, and Steven Tyler approves as well. Jennifer acknowledges that the rest of the world has grown tired of the judges not doing their jobs, but she can't be tough on Scotty! She can say only good things! Randy piles on with MORE GOOD THINGS, DUDE! YO!

I don't know if Casey Abrams is trying to look like Rick Astley or what, but I'm seriously craving a Rickroll right now. Casey kind of pisses Jimmy off by ignoring his advice to sing Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight" and going instead with his first choice, Nat King Cole's "Nature Boy." The upright bass is back, as are the grunting and ridiculous faces. This is all kind of bizarre but, since this song was in Moulin Rouge, it makes me think of Ewan McGregor, thereby transporting me to my happy place. When it's all over, I'm brought back to reality by the judges and audience giving Casey a standing ovation. I swear, sometimes I honestly think I'm watching a completely different show than these people. I mean, he wasn't terrible but it was not worth standing up for, unless you really, really had to pee. Casey says he wants to educate America about jazz music. America collectively decides to blow off that class.

Haley Reinhart dons her best American gigolette costume for a cover of Blondie's "Call Me." There is plenty of growling and yelling, and her attempts at dancing are even funny to Paul. Randy likes the loudest parts and Steven can't hear anything because he's too busy looking up Haley's dress. Jennifer isn't really wowed by this performance but says that Haley's great anyway, in the hopes that she can persuade America to stop voting off all the girls.

Jimmy tells Jacob Lusk that his song choices are corny and convinces him to do "Bridge Over Troubled Water." Great, a 30-year-old song that just happened to be featured in a Will Smith movie no one bothered to see. Way to keep these contestants sounding fresh and relevant, Jimbo. Jacob sounds pretty good tonight and fights the urge to go full-on church gay on everyone. So, if he ends up in the Bottom 3, it won't be because he sang the song badly, but because America wasn't ready to navigate the raging rapids of their racist souls. Steven yammers on about "crescendos and innuendos," while the other two "judges" add good things, more good things and EVEN MORE GOOD THINGS.

James Durbin closes out the evening with Sammy Hagar's "Heavy Metal," from the movie of the same name. Wow, I remember sneaking downstairs late one night when I was younger to watch that on HBO and, even then, I couldn't understand what was so risque about cartoon boobs. James is kind of a cartoonish boob but at least he's entertaining. He bends over backwards, shrieks like a banshee and plays air guitar, while leaving real guitar duty up to Zakk Wylde. The vocals definitely aren't perfect but IT'S METAL, DUDE. Shit ain't supposed to be perfect. J.Lo thinks the performance felt "really real," while Zakk thinks James "sang his ass off." Randy wants to see James at Ozzfest (yeah, because Randy goes every year) and Steven has timed this show perfectly, as he's out of things to say.

My prediction for tonight is that Paul, Casey and Haley will be in the Bottom 3 and Haley will be the one killed off.

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