Thursday, May 19, 2011

American Idol 10: The Metamorphosis to Nashville Star is Now Complete

As I'm sure you all know by now, our last hope for an entertaining Finale—Haley Reinhart—has left the building. But next week we'll be attending Elmer Dinkley High's Junior Prom, and won't that be exciting??

Tonight's results show begins like any other results show—with plenty o' filler. Jimmy jabbers on, the Top 13 show up, Ryan brags about the voting numbers and a video package (filmed when Durbin was still around) to promote Super 8 is shown. Damn, those kids got to meet the Bad Robot peeps. I wonder how many questions they asked about LOST? The Lesser Fanning is in the audience to plug the movie and she can barely form a sentence.

Haley's homecoming package is shown first, which is immediately a bad sign. During her trip back to Wheeling, IL, she encounters throngs of screaming fans on the street, hangs out at home with the fam, visits her high school and then puts on a show. She sings "Sweet Home Chicago," which is notable not because she's from Chicago, but because I can pretty much guarantee that she will be the only finalist to sing a song she didn't already do on Idol. Haley seems to handle her newfound fame really well. I love when she says to the weird redhead stalker chick, "Thank you for freaking out." Haley better watch out. That chick totally looks like the type who would sneak into Haley's house at night and shave off all of her hair so she could make a bra out of it.

Seacrest gives the mic to some annoying little stage kid in the audience (named Rihanna, of all things) so she can warm our hearts with her plucky perkiness. The always-terrible Ford commercial is then served up as a chaser.

Remember when Simon tried to jam Il Divo down everyone's throats? And remember how we just coughed them back up like a bad meatball? Well, now Jimmy is trying to do the same thing with his new playthings, a similarly named but less attractive Italian popera group, Il Volo.

From L-R: Mediterranean Urkel, Giuseppe Glambert and Fatsido Domingo

OK, so even though I'm not an opera fan, I recognize that these guys are fantastic singers. But American Idol isn't really the place for this. Especially now that the show's gone country. Il Volo really should have worked on a popera version of "Achy Breaky Heart" instead of breaking out the old standard "O Sole Mio," a song much of Middle America only recognizes as "the song from that one Hamburger Helper commercial."

Next up, Scotty McCreery heads home to Garner, NC. All the girls go nuts (not a long trip, obviously), especially when he visits the grocery store where he worked and slips into his sexy smock. Scotty cries in the limo. He cries during the parade. He cries at the concert. Of course, he stops crying long enough to perform babylockthemdoors with surprise guest, Josh Turner.

Suddenly, a Victoria's Secret fashion show breaks out, with Nicole Scherzinger as the star. She sings her new song, the name of which escapes me right now and I don't care enough to look it up. It was probably something like, "Yeah, Uhhh, Yeah" or "Can We Have Sex Now, Please?" or "Read War and Peace to Me, Baby." Yep, I'm pretty sure it's that last one. Even Rebecca Black knows there must always be a rap in the middle of your song, so 50 Cent takes a break from inane tweeting to do the honors. The only thing I catch him say is, "My pleasure's pleasing you," so I assume he works part-time at Chik-fil-A. (Hopefully, other Chik-fil-A goers and/or workers will understand this joke.)

Lauren Alaina gets the hometown visit pimp spot and it's easy to see why. Let's head to Rossville, GA for a little southern exploitation, shall we? Lauren's limo drives through the wreckage caused by a recent tornado. Lauren gets out and stares at the ravaged landscape with a thoughtful expression. Lauren cries. Lauren visits a little boy who saved his family and somehow turns his moment of bravery into a moment for herself. Lauren cries. Lauren sings "Anyway" for all the tornado victims out there (again). Lauren turns her tears on and off with the greatest of ease. Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren. LAUREN! (Just thought I'd give y'all a taste of what it would have been like growing up in the Suddeth household.)

It's pretty clear from how those homecoming packages were arranged that Haley is out, but she still looks stunned and a little disgusted to learn that she's been bumped for a couple of teenybopping bumpkins.

Haley sings out with "Bennie and The Jets," reminding me that I couldn't stand her back when she originally did this. Oh, Haley. How far we've both come. You finally learned how to relax and use your big voice properly and I finally learned to love you. And now you're leaving me with these two rubes. Ah well.

Despite her initial pissed off look, Haley seems to be having fun right now, belting it out down in the audience surrounded by her future tour mates. I realize just how much I'm going to miss her when she gets to the end of the song and sassily addresses the audience: "Yeah baby, you'll be seeing me! This ain't the end of this. This ain't the end of this thang...SHINDIG! See ya later!" God, this girl cracks me up.

So, I'm just calling it now: Lauren Alaina is your next American Idol. I don't know why I predicted her to be voted off the last two weeks when I've said multiple times that she's been set up to win this season since her first audition. I guess I still always hold out some hope that this show will surprise me. Silly me. Even though everyone loves Scotty, I don't think TPTB want a fourth white guy in a row as the Idol. (He'll still get a record deal.) They want another Carrie Underwood who will make loads of money for them. But they may be in for a rude awakening either way, as it seems that country radio don't cotton to either one of these young'uns. In the immortal words of Nelson Muntz, "HA-ha!"

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.


tennysoneehemingway said...

Ah yes, the perennial Idol 'Battle of the Nobodies.' Doesn't get any better does it?

Anonymous said...

Wheres Gen. Larry Platt when you need him? Pants on the Ground Indeed! :)

Billy said...

Title: harsh, damning, and oh so true.

I have now watched two episodes of AI in my life, and I already want someone to shoot Randy once for every time he says what must be the worst signature phrase ever. Randy needs some pointers from SportsCenter anchors or something. At least they have four or five repetitive phrases rather than just one.

Also, perhaps it takes a bad singer to hear it, but in these two episodes, I've heard a surprising number of flat notes and missed notes, and it's wigged me out a little. I mean, these are the best out of a bajillion auditions, and they've been singing in front of this audience weekly since Carter was in office, and they're still hitting flat notes?

Beyonce wouldn't -- oh wait.
Fergie wouldn't -- oh wait.
Britney wouldn't -- hell, Britney would lip-sync.

Nevermind. The only person who can hit notes is Kelly Clarkson, who won back when nobody tried out.

Coaster Punchman said...

The moment they announced Lauren was going to the final was so funny that I had to rewind and watch it about 6 times, including making PG come in and see the look on Haley's face as Laurne jumped up and down squealing in her delight. That was priceless.

I read that article about the supposed country singer experts (meaning people who listen to a lot of country) saying Scotty can't sing and they are full of shit. Like it or not, and despite his Alfred E. Newman appearance, that boy has talent. As far as I can tell he's been the only one who is consistent on the show. Sure, it could be because he sings every song in exactly the same way, but at least he knows his niche. He really does have an amazing voice for a 17 year old kid.

Lauren is ok, but not great. I actually thought the same of Carrie Undergood when she was on AI and look what happened to her. So if she wins I won't be surprised but I'll be slightly disappointed.

Haley does seem to be the one who has grown the most over the course of the season, which I have only watched for the past 6 or 7 weeks now but about which I will still proclaim myself the expert.

As to your Gentle Reader above, I fear that lady Kelly has seen her day come and go. That girl has hit so many notes by screeching that I'm surprised she has any voice left at all. I sincerely hope she has found herself a good vocal trainer or she'll down that Judy Garland road in another year or so.

Coaster Punchman said...

And now here's the part where I show my age.

While the Il Volo performance put the cheez in cheez-ball, I have to say that a large part of me (and not just my spare tire) is glad to see AI doing something, ANYTHING to try to elevate the cultural sensibilities in this country. They owe us that, especially since these opera boys were followed by Nicole Scherzinger who, as you put it in so many words, is not as much an entertainer as a fucking whore.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, well....
I probably won't bother watching the final. I'm another of those who didn't much care for Haley at the beginning, but grew to love both her signing and her ATTITUDE - especially when the judges tried to hammer her for doing what they were encouraging everyone to do, when they criticized her while ignoring the "pitchiness" of the current faves, while they made it as clear as possible that they weren't ready for an adult and a musician to "win" this farce. Good luck, Haley! You I would pay to go see, especially if you throw in a couple of scatting duets with Casey.

Cora said...

Whuuuu--? TWO teen country singers in the finale? Really, America? Really?

*walking away shaking my head*

Flannery Alden said...

I'm done with this season. Haley was the only thing keeping me from puking. Haley and Ryan, that is.

Anonymous said...

This really is quite obvious that there are Hayley fans who are upset. But why would you try and degrade and bash 2 kids. Talk about bullying. For the so called country experts I think I will take Josh Turner, Sheryl Crow, Garth Brooks and a few others' opinions before I would take your opinions. Also paying to see Hayley perform that is if she hits it big, she wouldn't give you the time of day.

BeckEye said...

tennyson - You should have seen the nobodies last year! Especially the dolt who God.

Anon 1 - He's probably writing the next great single.

Billy - And the judges wonder why people like us don't believe their constant claims that this is a "singing competition."

CP - Please don't tell me that you want to bang Scotty. I thought you had better taste. Also, I'm pretending not to see what you wrote about Kelly. :)

Anon 2 - You've tortured yourself through the whole season; you've gotta see it through! Haley will be back for the Finale. Maybe she'll get to do something hilarious, like a duet of "Making Whoopie" with Casey.

Cora - Yep. I like a lot of country music, but I doubt I'd buy either of these kids' records.

Flannery - It was a pretty fun season overall, so I'm amazed that all the entertaining contestants were eliminated. The Top 2 is going to be so boring, but I look forward to the Finale when all the crazies come back. Like BOOM FIYAH!

Anon 3 - Simply not liking someone, poking fun and stating negative opinions aren't the same as bullying. Your mentality is part of the reason people have been complaining so much about the judges this year. Hey, these people are on a show to be JUDGED for their singing talent (and their overall image, let's be honest), but don't dare JUDGE them! BE NICE! They're just kids! We have to tell them that the sun shines out of their asses!

Coaster Punchman said...

No, I do not want to bang Scotty (or any 17 year old for that matter.) But if he were my son I'd be mighty proud - he seems like a genuinely good kid. As for Kelly, don't get me wrong- I love her voice. Which is why I worry that she's ruining it. She screeches in a way that can be very damaging to the vocal chords, and if she doesn't cool it (and get some proper training) she's going to be in a heap of trouble.

Anonymous said...

What a bunch of country-hating crap.So glad that screeching,growling,sore loser is gone!

BeckEye said...

CP - He does seem like a nice kid. But all the eye-boinking and goofy stage mannerisms just drive me effing crazy. And he can sing well, but I don't think he's as good as the judges are making him out to be.

Anon - So right. I don't like two wannabe country singers so I MUST hate the country genre as a whole. What a terrific, air-tight argument. You must be a lawyer!

words...words...words... said...

It's shocking how often people who make inane comments have the good sense to make them anonymous.


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