Friday, February 03, 2012

American Idol 11: I Got The St. Louis Blues

Last night, the American Idol auditions wrapped up in St. Louis. Normally, I would have posted this recap soon after the show, but since I lost my brave battle with sleepiness about 10 minutes in, I had to DVR the rest of it. And that’s really the best way to watch the auditions – especially this particular episode, because I didn’t have to sit through Madonna’s video premiere. I did give it a fair shot, but 30 seconds was more than enough. Can we vote this gap-toothed bitch off now? Is that how this works?

Sorry for calling you a gap-toothed bitch, Madge. It’s not your fault you’re so gap-toothed.

So…man, they really played up the whole “remember when Carrie Underwood traveled from Oklahoma to St. Louis to audition, and OMG she’s such a big star now all because of us” angle, eh?

I was expecting the first auditioner to be a Carrie clone, but it was actually Johnny Keyser, a pretty boy duuuude. He sings a bunch of runs that supposedly add up to “A Change is Gonna Come,” and the judges went nuts. Ugh. I mean, the guy had a good voice but all those runs made me want to lock him in his tanning bed forever. But whatever, he was awarded the first golden ticket and the key to all the lonely, vote-controlling housewives’ hearts.

Next up was Rachelle Lamb, a twentysomething single mom who didn’t look a day over 40. She wasn’t above using her cute daughter to help earn her a golden ticket. She also wasn’t above going for the sympathy vote with her sob story about getting divorced from a man who held her back and killed her dreams…wait a minute! Didn’t we already hear this one on Wednesday? One can only hope that Rachelle and Britnee Kellogg will pair up during Hollywood Week to sing Martina McBride’s “Broken Wing,” because won’t that be SO INSPIRATIONAL, Y’ALL??

The “Gateway to the Worst” segment featured an Elvis impersonator singing a Garth Brooks song. Yeah, I didn’t get it either.

Suddenly, AI was interrupted for a very special episode of Glee. New kid, Reis Kloeckener, was bullied all through high school and had been contemplating dropping out until show choir saved his life. To thank New Directions, Reis led everyone to the auditorium, where that weird pianist guy and a bunch of other bit players were already assembled to accompany Reis and the gang in a somehow fully-choreographed rendition of “Lean on Me,” as Mr. Schue beamed with pride and Sue Sylvester secretly watched from the far entrance, trying not to be moved. At least I think that’s what I saw. My eyes could have been deceiving me. After all, Steven Tyler claimed that Reis’s audition made him cry, yet his face remained dry and expressionless.

Ethan Jones let everyone know that his dad’s band is kind of a big deal in St. Louis. And when Daddy Jones went off to rehab, Ethan took over for him. He sang “I’ll Be,” everyone’s audition song of choice 10 years ago. He sounded like Edwin McCain, which is neither an insult nor a compliment. His voice wasn’t the best I’ve ever heard, but I wasn’t offended by the guy. Well, at least not until he jumped in front of the cameras to make the teary-eyed call to Dad, in which he pledged his love and Dad promised that he was “totally clean.”

Day Two kicked off with the very bubbly Mark Ingram, an auditor at the hotel serving as Idol audition HQ. His hotel staff buddies swore that Mark was a great singer, and continued to swear it even after hearing him scream “Overjoyed” at the judges in a constantly cracking voice. Then he tried to sing something else, which never goes over well. He wasn’t terrible, but he definitely needs to invest in a vocal coach and some honest friends.

The final audition belonged to Lauren Gray, a name you should remember because she will be outrageously hyped this season. Just like Ethan, Lauren sings in a band with her Dad, but unlike Ethan, there is no substance abuse sob story. Lauren sang an Adele song and was very good, but I can already envision the judges bitching if she ever tries to step out of that box. I can actually hear Future Randy yelling, “Yo, dawg, why did you pick that song out of all the songs out there? You should be singing Adele or Joss Stone type. That’s the Lauren we want! Bark, bark, bark, bark, nonsense, mumbo jumbo, nonsense!” But for now, Lauren is the golden girl. Like Steven earlier, J. Lo pretended to cry and said that Lauren was one of the best female voices they’d heard. And you know the judges don’t say that very often. Only, like, every 5th auditioner. Then the Carrie Underwood/Lauren Gray comparison is made, signaling the official start of the pimpage.

THESE AUDITIONS WERE THE MOST SUCCESSFUL EVER! THIS IS THE BIGGEST CROP OF TALENT IDOL HAS EVER SEEN! SEASON 11 WILL BE THE BEST SEASON EVER!! SAYING THIS SAME THING EVERY YEAR RENDERS ALL OF SEACREST’S WORDS COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS!!!

Next week, it’s off to Hollywood, which is by far my favorite part of this entire show. After group day, everything else is anti-climactic. Especially the eventual crowning of the winner no one will remember three months later.


Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.

1 comment:

Scope said...

Missouri loves company.

And Reis Kloeckener? I cannot imagine how he gets thru without the sob story. Boy needs to let the balls drop. And I ain't talking Times Square on NYE.

 

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