Oscars, Schmoscars

Welcome to The Pop Eye's 7th Annual Schmoscar Awards! This year's Oscars telecast may have even been more boring than last year, but that's what happens when the producers eschew a relevant host in favor of the Old Timers' game MVP.

(After checking out this year's winners, take a look back at Schmoscars past!)

Hottest Chick of the Night: Let's face it, gals. Men age so much better than we do. Men can keep showing up in these hot lists year after year, while women have a much shorter shelf life. It's the rare woman who gets better looking with age, without the aid of plastic surgery, so I've gotta give it up for Penelope Cruz for making it to the top spot after being my Hottest Chick Runner-Up two years ago. (I don't think she's had any work done, but if she has, she's hiding it remarkably well.) She looked flawless last night. This is all even more impressive if you remember that I thought she was downright ugly when she first burst onto the scene. (Last year's winner: Mila Kunis.)

Hottest Chick Runner-Up: Apparently, I was all about the exotic ladies last night, as this one goes to Berenice Bejo. It takes a seriously beautiful face to pull off that hairdo. But I still haven't decided if her minty lace dress was pretty and romantic or a little too mother-of-the-bride. (Last year's winner: Jennifer Hudson.)

Hottest Guy of the Night: I'm now fully convinced that I must see The Artist, since it stars my Hottest Chick Runner-Up and last night's top man, Jean Dujardin. Apparently, they call this guy the French Clooney. Yeah, Clooney wishes. Honestly, George has never done anything for me, but Jean...oh la la, oui oui, il est chaud! (That's probably completely wrong, but I never said I could speak French well. Or at all.) (Last year's winner: Hugh Jackman.)

Guy I Most Want to Take Home: Yet another reason to see The Artist, Uggie!! (New category.)

Hottest Guy Runner-Up: Sorry, Nick Nolte, you missed the cut. I've gotta give this one to the cutest Conchord (sorry to you too, Jemaine), Bret McKenzie. He looked really good in a tux, and how awesome was it that he won an Oscar? And for writing a goofy Muppet song, no less! (Last year's winner: Armie Hammer.)

The Trying Too Hard Award: Since Madonna wasn't around, there wasn't much competition. I guess it's a tie between Angelina Jolie and Angelina Jolie's right leg. But Angie was probably behind that. The leg looked kind of embarrassed. And emaciated. (New category.)

Scariest Arms Award: Angelina Jolie. Once again, no Madonna = no competition! (New category, although Eva Green and Saoirse Ronan won the less-specific "Scariest Looking Chick" and "Creepiest Nominee" awards in 2007 and 2008, respectively.)

Best Moment of the Night: In a night full of pretty lame moments, I'd have to say the best part was The Descendants winning for Best Adapted Screenplay. Now, this is not because I loved The Descendants (like most of the nominated films, I haven't seen it yet), but just because Jim Rash was one of the screenwriters. I mean, Dean Pelton has a muthahumpin' Oscar, yo! And he also took the opportunity to make fun of Angelina's desperate attempt to stay on everyone's sexy radars. Wow, Angie's been ridiculed so much for striking that pose. I bet she's at home right now thinking, "Would that my podium were a time podium..." (Last year's winner: The closing song by the PS22 Chorus.)

Worst Moment of the Night: It was all so terribly average that this is even harder to pick than the best moment. I guess I had a problem with Natalie Portman and Colin Firth being forced to read those scripts to the Best Actor/Actress nominees as if they were from the heart. (Last year's winner: James Franco and Anne Hathaway's opening segment.)

Worst Waste of Talent: Did anyone enjoy that fake Wizard of Oz focus group skit with Christopher Guest's mockumentary gang? All of those people are so funny (Fred Willard actually managed to still get one or two chuckles out of me), but that was just not good. I wonder if they wrote it?? (Last year's winner: none; last recipients were Will Ferrell and Steve Carell in 2006.)

Best Hair: Jonah Hill. Come on, we have to give him props for taming that 'fro. (Last year's winner: Luke Matheny.)

Worst Hair: Rooney Mara. Is she serious with those bangs? But I guess that hairstyle is the only one severe enough to match her perma-grimace. (Last year's winner: Christian Bale's beard.)

Best Impression of a Dinner Napkin: This award, originally created for Cameron Diaz (who has finally stopped getting dressed in the dark), also goes to Rooney Mara. I guess you can tell that I don't like this chick one bit. It sort of pains me that I don't like her, because her great-grandfather was the great Art Rooney. But hey, I have no problem with her sister Kate Mara, who looked very pretty and not at all napkin-y last night. (Last year's winner: Nicole Kidman.)

Best Impression of a Sci-Fi Heroine: J.Lo! Aaah-ah! Savior of the Idolverse! (New category.)

The REDRUM Award: I know everyone raved about Michelle Williams' dress, but if I look at it for more than 30 seconds, I get an overwhelming urge to start stabbing people. (New category; although this ketchup-y dress could easily earn Michelle another Best Impression of a Hot Dog Topping Award, which was created in honor of the mustard-y dress she wore during the Schmoscars' inaugural year.)

Worst Dressed: I couldn't choose just one, so it's a tie between Melissa Leo and Nancy O'Dell. Melissa was my first choice because she obviously waited until the day before the Oscars, went to Talbot's, bought a clearance rack shirt-dress, took it home and attacked it with a Bedazzler. But when I saw Nancy's bumblebee-at-the-prom gown, I knew that it deserved a shout-out. Then I quickly looked away before my retinas disintegrated. (Last year's winner: Helena Bonham Carter.)

For the first time since the Schmoscars' inception, I'm not sure I have a Lisa Rinna Award (formerly known by its clunkier name, the Why Does This Woman Get Invited To The Oscars When She Has No Reason For Being There Other Than To Wear a Slinky Dress and Show Off Her Perfect Body? Award) to give out! I thought about Milla Jovovich, but she definitely had a reason for being there—to preside over this year's Nerd Awards. Also, this award generally goes to someone who deserves our collective derision, and I don't think anyone actively dislikes Milla. (Plus, her dress was AMAZING. Probably my favorite, after Penelope's.) I thought about giving it to Kristin Cavallari, but believe it or not, she was there to help do the E! pre-show. Not that "working" was a good enough excuse to keep this award out of Kathy Ireland's hands two years ago, but Kristin proved that she's a much better talking mannequin than Kathy by simply not showing up to work high on horse tranquilizers. Hmm, maybe we can give the award to Stacy Keibler? I know she was Clooney's date, but who's gonna remember that in a year? Certainly not Clooney. (Last year's winner: none, but Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves won the modified Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin Award.)

What do you think, folks? Who should get the Lisa Rinna Award?