Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following news items are curiously fascinating:

Hilary Duff is getting set to release a Greatest Hits compilation. - How long have I been asleep? What year is this? Good Lord. I've also heard that Jesse McCartney will be presented with the Lifetime Achievement Award at the 2006 Grammys.

PETA crowns Carrie Underwood and Coldplay's Chris Martin "World's Sexiest Vegetarians". - At the exact time this was announced, a monkey in a French pharmaceutical lab was having lit cigarettes shoved up its ass while being doused with hairspray.

New Jersey woman pretends to be Jessica Simpson's assistant to snag free merchandise. - This woman, Courtney Handel, was actually arrested for fooling several companies into sending her freebies just by claiming she was Simpson's personal assistant. It's times like these that I wish I were a defense lawyer. The real crime is that celebrities, who are swimming in cash, are given free stuff all the time! To me, this is just poetic justice. The girl didn't physically steal anything and didn't use force or extortion, so what is the crime? These companies were stupid enough to believe that she was who she said she was, and even more moronic to just blindly ship off their goods in the hopes that the poor man's Daisy Duke might give them a shout-out one day. Courtney should get to keep everything and get her own show on MTV.

O.J. Simpson gets caught stealing cable. - Jeez, you let a guy get away with murder and he thinks he can get away with everything. Apparently, during a search of Simpson's home related to a different investigation, the Feds found some bootloaders, used to descramble the DirecTV signal. A suit was filed and a judge has already found in DirecTV's favor. Simpson's lawyer plans to appeal while Juice heads out to the golf course to hunt for the real bootleggers.

McDonalds signs an exclusive deal to promote DreamWorks films. - Big corporations get richer and we all get fatter. Not big news. I'm just waiting for summer blockbusters like Grimace and Shrek's Bogus Journey.


Rex Venom said...

These are all signs that the Great Old Ones will return and ruin the world…
Rock on!

Arun said...

THanks for zooming by my rarely-updated blog. I cant help but smirk at these news items: Hillary Duff is falling into MLTR zone, the contrasting actions between PETA and the world, dreamworks getting fat in the bank, while we bank the fat around our belly with McDs. There was one more related news on OJ that I cannot recollect right now.

Arun said...

Oh and btw, u can collect ur 50-cent worth of words...


Homer Jay said...

OJ. Stealing cable. Now that's fricking funny.

P.S. Thanks for the kindness you posted on my blog. I think I'm gonna blogroll ya.

Doggie Extraordinaire's Mom said...

I'm a good earthliing and animal lover -- I support environmental causes, get my Greenpeace calendar every year, and even send money to Sierra Club. These good deeds entitle me to a handful of mailings from PETA, with grotesque pictures of inside-out bunnies. So, I want to start an anti-PETA mailing campaign. While they're out trying to reward vegetarians for eating helpless plants (bunch of kingdom-ists, if you ask me!), I would like to mail them juicy steaks, steaming hot hamburgers, a delectable roasted turkey, etc. If it doesn't offend their vegan ways, then maybe it will entice some to cross the line and embrace their omnivorous nature once again. Either way, it's a successful campaign.

Hmm, now I'm hungry. I'll get right on that after I throw a T-bone on the grill for myself.

Save the broccoli! Kill the vegans!

FlirtinFelicity said...

Felicity here..Just poppin' around to say that I was impressed by your blog. Post more ait?? Holla

BadGod said...

I thought you had to have more than 1 album to be able to release a greatest hits album. Huh?

Peta is a strange group of people.

agree with celebs getting way too much shit for free.

Maybe OJ thought he would "slash" their price. I am funny, thank you.

I hate McDonalds

Ruben said...

I think the fact that Jessica Simspon is famous in the first place is a sign that the world is coming to an end.

Zanderlilly said...

You crack me up. I thought I was the only one who felt that Courtney should get to keep all that stuff. She deserves mad props for that shit. And why when you have a gazillion dollars, do you need a "personal assistant"? To help spend the cash?

Joel Conrad Bechtolt said...

Cool stuff. OJ was actually stealing Satellite service. Whata douche


Anonymous said...

Smoke 'em if you got 'em monkey!!
Funny as hell, Beck, as usual your genius goes unquestioned.

Angela :)


Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

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I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

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