Thursday, July 21, 2005

Let The Male Bashing Begin

Actually, this post isn't really meant to be an exercise in male-bashing, I just thought it was a catchy title that would bring in some readers. Yeah yeah, I'm so shameless. Although I've known my share of jagoffs in my day, I'm not ready to lump all men into the same category. However, it seems that there is an overabundance of male celebrities who give men all over the world a bad name. So, we'll call this celebrity male-bashing. And I'm not even going after Tom Cruise this time!

Just recently, Jude Law announced to the world that he cheated on his fiancee, Sienna Miller, with his nanny. I don't know which is less surprising - the fact that such a rich, spoiled, gorgeous man would have an affair or that he did it with the nanny. Isn't sleeping with the babysitter the ultimate cliche? Just once I would like to hear about a movie star having a tryst with his 50 year old Guatemalan laundry lady. At any rate, this recent tabloid story begs the question: Why are some men never happy?

Most women feel societal pressure to be as sexy and attractive as they can be. The idea is never put forth in an effort to build up their self-esteem. The messages that we as women get from the media and the general public do not focus on telling us that if we look good, we feel good, hence looking our best is the easiest route to boosting our confidence. Everything revolves around telling women to look good simply because we're expected to look good, especially by the opposite sex. The basic idea is, if you don't look hot no one will want you. But how does this work in the glam world of celebrities? Just look at Sienna Miller. She's gorgeous. Most women would kill to look like her. Most men would kill a small animal to be with her. And here comes Jude Law (who was already rumored to have cheated more than once on his ex-wife), possibly even prettier than Sienna is, who nabs her but still feels compelled to look elsewhere. This makes being an "average" woman seem a little hopeless, doesn't it?

The most obvious example of the never-satisfied man is that tattooed walking penis, Tommy Lee. He was married to Heather Locklear and Pamela Anderson and cheated on both of them! Now, these two women alone have probably fueled more masturbatory fantasies than the entire rest of the Maxim Hot 100 list combined. And this is a guy who, if he hadn't made it big as a musician, would probably be a drug-addled, toothless carny today. Yet, he manages to effortlessly lure in women on the strength of his rock star status. (Oh yeah, and apparently he's hung like a horse.) But he somehow snags the two women who most men in America consider "the ultimate" in hotness, but they're just not hot enough to keep him interested. It's mind-boggling.

Why then do women have to feel such pressure to look their best when even someone like Heather Locklear can't keep a man? If all it takes is to have a beautiful face and a hot bod, certainly these gorgeous models and actresses would never have a problem in the fidelity department. Obviously, looks aren't everything. But they're certainly something. So what the hell do men want? I've heard several tales of men who "traded up" after they became famous, by ditching their wives and girlfriends for hot celeb chicks. Yet the guys who already have hot chicks still can't keep it in their pants. Sure, a pretty smile and rock hard abs aren't enough to keep a man interested forever. There has to be some substance. But, men usually don't go for a roll in the hay with someone to find substance. I guarantee you Jude Law wasn't lying in bed with the nanny talking about the war in Iraq. So what are they looking for? I'm inclined to believe that in the case of famous men, they just feel as if they're entitled to everything, including all the sex they can handle. They cheat because they don't like being told what not to do and, more to the point, because they can. These are men who always get what they want because being a celebrity means never having to be accountable for one's actions. And in the end, it's not so much about the women as it is about themselves. It's all about that hungry beast known as the ego. They want to see what they can get, who they can get it from and how much they can get away with.

I know that there are plenty of females out there guilty of the same type of behavior. However, when this kind of thing hits the tabloids, it's generally presented with a "well, boys will be boys" sort of attitude when it's a man cheating on his significant other. When it's a woman doing the dirty deed, she's labeled a bed-hopping skank. Now, this is a double standard that permeates our entire culture, so I won't really get into that or I could be here for days. The point is that affairs have become so commonplace these days that a lot of people act like they should be awarded medals for simply not cheating. And when these stories of celebrity hijinx are splattered all over gossip rags and TV shows, just the juciest details are given out. We never get to see the actual fallout from these illicit liaisons, so it's almost fueling the idea for us average schlubs that being faithful isn't really that big a deal. Especially when a lot of these guys end up back with the girlfriend/wife that they cheated on or they find a hotter, even more famous chick to comfort them. It makes it all look so glamorous, no?

Now, some smart ass will probably ask me if I were married or in a serious relationship and inexplicably presented with the opportunity to sleep with John Travolta or Eddie Vedder, would I do it? Well, let me just answer that right now with a resounding....pleading of the 5th.


Edge said...

Well, at least you were honest about Travolta. But as a guy I'll chime in. Keep the gun holstered.

You are absolutely right that these celebrity men are out of control. Nothing stops them and they have no one or no internal mechanism to control themselves. Actually, they do have that mechanism, they just choose to turn it off.

As far as beauty equating to self-esteem, that's a lie the media loves to propogate. There are lots of men who do "trade up", but there are many more scenarios that men have affairs with less attractive women.

Wow! Why? You won't like this, but the normal average everyday man has a part in an affair, but so does his wife/girlfriend/fiance. Before we get too far I have been cheated on quite severely and I had my part in pushing her away.

We have no idea the kind of woman Sienna (sp?) was to Jude. Not defending him because he WAS guilty by admission and action. But in the normal world, both parties are responsible, one for the affair and the other for the pushing away.

Personally, if my girlfriend was as hot as Sienna or Sierra or whatever, I would probably not stray. She's hot, but that isn't the only thing that attracts me.

If you really want to know what men want, I'll tell you the secret contained in a book that talks about this subject EXACTLY! Below are the 10 needs of evey man and woman in a relationship. I bet you can guess which are men and which are women.

domestic support
family commitment
financial support
honesty and openness
physical attractiveness
recreational companionship
sexual fulfillment

If you can find out your partner's top five needs and meet them, then you run a very good chance of not letting an affair creep in.

I think you hve very valid points and I would really suggest the book His Needs, Her Needs By Harley. Read Chapter 1

I loved this post. Well written and thought provoking.


BeckEye said...

I don't usually comment on my own blogs but here we go! Thanks for the comment, Jef. I do realize that in most instances, affairs aren't just spur of the moment deals and they're just symptoms of a bigger problem within a relationship. But to borrow a great line from Billy Crystal, "that symptom is fucking my wife".

I made this mostly about celebrity men in particular, because they do seem to have a different mindset than non-celebrities. It doesn't hurt that they're constantly surrounded by people who tell them they can do no wrong.

My point about beauty was to illustrate that beauty doesn't give you the golden ticket to a great life, as the media wants us to believe. Yet as a woman, I know what it's like to feel the constant pressure to look as good as possible. And not to say that women don't have their superficial tendencies as well, but it's not nearly the same. Men are given a lot more leeway. You can see that everything from weight loss programs to plastic surgery is primarily targeted toward the female demographic. There are hardly any successful female celebs that are bigger than a size 8. (I think Kate Winslet is about an 8, and she's considered "heavy"!) Yet, TV shows like "King of Queens" and "According to Jim" depict overweight or just average looking men paired up with thin, beautiful women. You would never see a show where it was the other way around. (Although, big props to "Days of our Lives" for depicting a happily married couple in a front-burner storyline where the husband was very tall,built and handsome and the wife was just normal looking and overweight.)

Edge said...

Yes, I agree the standards are different and not equal in my opinion either. I watch my wife obsess about this sometimes. I was a "Days" watcher myself. My sister told me I would have something to talk to women about in college!

But ya, all that plastic surgery and wieght loss is targeted to women. I don't agree with the current TV trend of "Fat husband, hot wife," and it's more than just King of Queens. It's "Yes, Dear," the one with Jamie Gertz and even "Two and a Half Men" prolong the stereotype.

I'm sorry you're upset. I hope it helps to know that I agree with you 100%, I don't like what the media propogates and there are guys, like me, out there that don't always look at the outside.

I'm enjoying the intellectual conversation.


Lee Ann said...

I was sent a link to a website today. It was a man who was really "ticked" off. He found out his wife had been cheating on him with more than one. They were all lawyers. Guess he got all the facts together, then told the story. He posted pictures of all the cheaters (his wife and the men) with their names, addresses, phone numbers, fax numbers, email addresses and places of business! Guess he felt he had nothing to lose at that point.

The Everglades said...

Okay, so I know that you'd go for JT, but I'm not sure if you'd go for Vedder. But you did plead the 5th for both.

I agree with your post, but it goes back to the fact that [inserting cliche, age old argument in 3, 2, 1] magazine covers are air brushed. Women in the public eye have plastic surgery, even women as naturally pretty as Natalie Portman and Jessica Simpson have nose jobs. So they have the money and the handlers who get them looking perfect.

Anything we see coming out of Hollywood or the modeling world we, as "average" people can't take it at face value.

And if given the opportunity to sleep with Pam Anderson or Angelina Jolie I can honesly say that I would pass. I'm more like a femlae in the fact that [in addition to being a virgin] I wouldn't want to sleep with anyone who I wasn't in love with--I could never do the one-night stand. Plus the idea that these women have slept everyone in Hollywood is a turn off.

I love your posts, thought provoking as always.


Kate said...

I had heard the Jude Law was one of those people who shouted from the rooftops (though not literally like Tom Cruise) that he *liked* being in relationships. So I hope that he, unlike Matt Damon (who reportedly broke up with Minnie Driver via a question posed to him by Oprah) told Sienna Miller about his ehm, indiscretion, before the whole world heard about it.

Kate said...

By the way, I think some people are just meant to not be monogamous, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. It only becomes an issue when someone dreaming of a white picket fence starts sleeping around or someone who likes to play the field tries to wedge himself into a Mr. Monogamous mold and then you can imagine what happens when you put a lot of cake batter into one muffin tim -- a huge mess occurs. A lot of pain and heartache can be saved if we are always upfront and know what it is exactly that we want in a relationship.

Sangroncito said...

Most men deserve a good bashing. Keep it up!

pia said...

Robin Williams cheated with his kids's nanny, (no beauty) and they've been married for 20 years (about)

You have it exactly right when you say that girls and then women aren't supposed to look good for themselves but for men--and face it--for other women

We're trained to dress, make up and everything so that men can't stop looking at us, and other women will envy us

It's only when we stop playing the game--look good as you said because it's healthy, and also look at other women not as threats but allies and friends can we feel true self-esteem

I just woke up and have absolutely no idea what I'm saying!

Great titel

Torch said...

couldn't read article.... Distracted by pictures....gaaaaaaaaaahhh...

Masha said...

I love the topics you write about! I know that us average women always wonder "what does it take?" But apparently even Sienna Miller doesn't know what it is. The thing I find most bizzare, is that in the movie Alfie, Jude Law falls in love with Sienna Miller's character, and then cheats on her! I just find it so odd that his on screen life was mirroring his real life.

JC said...

Great post,
I saw your name at Pia's so I figured I had better come check out your blog. I think that one of the worst parts about this is that the media found out, instead of it being some little rumor. It has the feel of a Jerry Springer episode. I am sorry, but it could have been left a rumor. I feel sorry for her. I don't care how famous or beautiful you are, a betrayal is a betrayal.
I agree with the comment that some are just more likely to cheat. There are also some who are more likely to steal etc. It is bad if a white picket fence person meets up with someone who wants to play the field, but basically if that is what they want they should be honest and up front about it. That at least allows the white picket fencer to make a choice about whether or not to pursue the relationship. I always have looked at affairs as the symptom rather than the problem, until I met a gal who had cheated on every person she had ever been with. She just didn't have the same moral code that she lived by. Then every rough patch became the start of an affair. I love her to death, but I wouldn't want to be married to her and I feel sorry for the men who were. Anyway, I am rambling on and on and probably not saying a thing. I am prone to doing that. Thanks for a thought provoking post.

Bonanza Jellybean said...

You hit the nail right on the head.

I do think though tha most men start out with the hotness factor, but if a woman isn't interesting or funny or have something to offer, it won't last.

So now we have to be hot and of substance. That's REALLY easy, right?

From what I've heard, heather Locklear did manage to find a man who loves and adores her, so that's one down.

Cincysundevil said...

This is a tough topic because people who are that famous and well known live by a different set of rules than the rest of us common folk. I think it is an ego thing for guys who have the looks, the fame, and the wealth. No matter how attractive the woman, no matter how intelligent, no matter any factor you want to add in .. some people will not be loyal.

It does run much more prevalently probably in men more so than in women, but some women are like that as well. It's funny because I know alot of guys who feel like you; they think they're not hot enough for the ladies.

no milk said...

what do you do when you are surrounded by people who want to tempt you constantly because of your success. it would require the patience of a saint to resist when some young starlet is trying to get ahead. that's hollywood.

thanks for visiting! i enjoyed your blog. :)

Lavinia said...

Becks, you have a great blog!

BTW, my name's Lavinia and I'm from South Africa.

You know the old saying : "Show me the most beautiful woman in the world and I'll show you the man that's tired of sleeping of her"

Most men are never satisfied. I put it down to their hunter mentality and addiction to the thrill of the chase.

Once the excitement, newness and passion is all done its down to the integrity and commitment of both people in the relationship to keep it going and faithfully so.

Beauty or the lack of it is also no guarantee of security in a relationship. I was cheated on by a guy who I thought was average looking but whom others considered unattractive.

At the time I was quite convinced of my own attractiveness so getting cheated on by him was a blessing disguise. It was foul thing he did but it grounded me.

Right now I'm in a serious relationship with someone I met when both of us were with other people. There were problems in both those relationships which contributed to, but is not responsible for, us getting together.

I feel sorry for Sienna because this is all over the media and I think Jude was a lout to have done it. But I must agree with Jef in saying that we don't know what went on between them before the affair.

I would consider it greatly unfair if someone came up to me and blamed me for the break-up of my boyfriend's previous relationship, or blamed him for mine. A truly stable, committed relationship can weather the loss of a child, cultural differences and much more. It takes more than a third party to mess that up.

With many of these Hollywood romances, stability is never part of the deal.

Bar Bar A said...

I think I found you through Jef but I don't know how I found him...

Anyhow EXCELLENT post. I know there are some good men out there in "celebrity land" and "normal world", but....unfortunately surveys show us that a large percentage of men would cheat on their significant other if the opportunity arose. I wish it weren't true, but from my observations it is.

Even moreso I wish it were not true that the media uses sexy females for EVERYTHING. My son is 14 and loves cars...but can you buy a car magazine for the articles without being subjected to scantily clad women in provocative poses? No.

I used to be pretty, now I am considered below average due to a carrying around a few too many extra pounds. When I am thin, I have more dates than I can handle. When I am chubby - nada, zip, nothing. I think weight and bodies are even more important to men than faces.

THANK GOD that there are some decent guys out there, if you find one, keep him.


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