Saturday, July 30, 2005

Things I've Learned from the New Jessica Simpson Video

America's bimbette of the moment has a new single and video out. Well, we can't really call it new because it's a cover of "These Boots are Made for Walking", recorded for the remake of The Dukes of Hazzard...neither of which anyone on this Earth asked for. I've heard all the controversy surrounding the new video, so I had to check it out. And I've learned some things, people. Important things.

1. Willie Nelson is even higher than I thought he was.

2. Having a singing voice that can only be compared to a 6-year old girl eating peanut butter while being strangled is actually sexy.

3. I've been washing my car all wrong. Forget the elbow grease. I really need to put my ass into it.

4. I miss Nancy Sinatra.

5. Hell, I miss Britney Spears.

6. Madonna's cover of "American Pie" is no longer the worst butchering of a classic song in music history.

7. The phrase "can I get a sooey?" will undoubtedly catch on and annoy me even more than "my bad" or "whazzzzzzzuuup".

8. If you're practically begging for a guy to touch your ass, and he does touch your ass, you're still entitled to punch him in the face for doing so. Which brings me to #9....

9. Sluts are people too.

10. Um, I can't really come up with 10. Truth be told, the video wasn't really all that enlightening.


Bonanza Jellybean said...

#9 should be a bumper sticker. I'd put it on my car. it would go nicely with all the Jesus fish around here.

Doggie Extraordinaire's Mom said...

I kinda thought Cheryl Crow's remake of "Sweet Child O' Mine" was the worst remake ever, but the Madonna one is definitely in contention.

Love the list! Jessica strikes me as the kind of gal who just does whatever everyone tells her because she can't think for herself. My boyfriend believes that her "bimbo" act is just that -- an act. She's not even THAT smart and has to be scripted to do the stupid things that are at least amusing. He might be on to something.

lpkitten said...

so thats what a 6 year old eating peanut butter sounds like!!! thanks, i'm dying of laughter over here. :)

Lee Ann said...

I never watched the Dukes of Hazzard when it was a tv show, doubt I will watch the movie. Willie, gosh, he looks old! How old is he now? Yeah, some of these remakes make me sad. I haven't seen the video, now that you have brought it up, I am curious...human nature. At least Nancy wore the "real go-go boots"! Thanks for the laugh!

teletart said...

"My bad". Holy murderous fantasies, Batman. I thought I was alone in a deep, visceral loathing of that phrase, and anyone who uttered it. Until now. Thanks for the company.

BZTV said...

You have put into words exactly what I felt when I first watched that video last week. But here's the weird thing -- now that I've thought so much about it -- I have this powerful urge to download it on iTunes so I can listen to it in my car!

Chalicechick said...

I, for one, thought "Willie Nelson as Uncle Jesse" was brilliant casting. Which does not at all mean I will actually watch the movie.


Nathan Frampton said...

Ms. Simpson doesn't have a decent song.

Rex Venom said...

Sluts ARE people too. Just ones that usually have their legs in the air or their tits in your face and god bless them all!
Rock on!

pia said...

I miss Nancy Sinatra also, though I think she's making a comeback or maybe she did. All too much to keep up with.
great list.

Croaker said...

I found it a riveting video. Made me a fan. At least for the ten minutes it took to......

JC said...

Well, I have to say that I am astounded by all the remakes out in the past few years. I mean, I watched scooby Doo when I was a kid and now I have to see him all over again. I will say that my kids used to love the Dukes of Hazzard show. My son was young and called it dukeahazzad. I haven't seen the show, but have heard the video and I am not impressed. As far as Madonna goes, well, I hated that song even as a kid. Just Sucks. Next I guess we will be watching a remake of Get Smart. That is the only one I haven't seen yet.....or hey, Jessica would make a great Ellie May too wouldn't she? :) Then she can be a dumb slut.

BadGod said...

I agree. And also, I think Jessica Simpson is fuckin ugly. Am I the only guy that thinks that?

She killed Berlin's "Take My Breathe Away" from Top Gun. I actually liked that song.

Nique Zool said...

Nope - you are not the only one to think that she is not the most attractive or even close.
I think so many remakes are being made because Hollywood execs are trying to go back to their childhoods. I miss Nancy too - great voice.
There should be a government issues license if you want to do a cover song.
Great post Beckeye - you have a great sense of humour!


Edge said...

Although she's hot, there is no amount of hotness that can cover up the totally ineptness of this video or her. When she walks she looks either drunk or sore from a night of gang sex with hill billies or Bill Clinton.

Ms. Simpson, I watched the Dukes of Hazzard and you're no Daisy Duke.


Kate said...

Please tell me there's no "Sooooooooooo----eeeeeey!" in that Jessica Smpson video! Of course when I hear that song, I don't immediately think of Nancy Sinatra; I think of FemBots. So I'm probably not helping things out so much. But what a youcky thought. Still I'll probably see the movie if and when it comes to DVD here.

Sangroncito said...

I just couldn't get enough of Jessica's left buttock.

Kunaxa said...

#10 Ass-lee Simpson lip synching and the ensuing freakish jig wasn't that bad after all?

I don't know, thought this was a contest or something.

Hot blog.

The Everglades said...

I love bimbette. I'm yet to watch the video, but I already think I can taste jalapeno pizza in the back of my throat, which, by the way, burns. Because I am a guy I will watch it and enjoy it, and then poke fun at her pathetic celebrity and fashion a hair-doll and work some caucasian voodoo on her.

You are hilarious.


Lolipop Culture girl said...

You are right on w/ the Jessica Simpson comment. I also hear Anna Nicole is cutting a cd - Her music will surely make Jessica Simpson sound like Barbra Streisand.

Danica said...

jessica simpson is one hell of a fine woman i must say!

Yer Daddy said...

All I know is, and really, this is all I know: I was in high school when Ds of Haz show was on and it was Friday and we would all go over to Lucy's because her folks always went out that night and turn on the show, volume all the way down, crank up the stereo; Zeppelin or Doors usually, and play dice game called "mexicans" and drink about 300 shots of beer and do bong swats. It was a good show, the way I remember it. I don't really know who Jess Simpson is, but have seen her picture everywhere. What does she do? Sing?

ps. Sheryl Crow is serial butcher. She has also hacked up Rod Stewart's "First Cut is the Deepest"

T.L. Barker said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
T.L. Barker said...

How about another vote for shocked that "my bad" makes others gag, too. I knew you f***ed knew you f***ed up. No need for a public service announcement.

Zanderlilly said...

The comment about washing your car sent me over the edge. Funny stuff girl. I look to you to keep me up-to-date on what's really going on in movie land.

Even tho, if you read my profile, I am a Jessica Simpson fan, but found no reason for her to go so skanky in this video.


Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

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I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

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