Things I've Learned from the New Jessica Simpson Video


America's bimbette of the moment has a new single and video out. Well, we can't really call it new because it's a cover of "These Boots are Made for Walking", recorded for the remake of The Dukes of Hazzard...neither of which anyone on this Earth asked for. I've heard all the controversy surrounding the new video, so I had to check it out. And I've learned some things, people. Important things.

1. Willie Nelson is even higher than I thought he was.

2. Having a singing voice that can only be compared to a 6-year old girl eating peanut butter while being strangled is actually sexy.

3. I've been washing my car all wrong. Forget the elbow grease. I really need to put my ass into it.

4. I miss Nancy Sinatra.

5. Hell, I miss Britney Spears.

6. Madonna's cover of "American Pie" is no longer the worst butchering of a classic song in music history.

7. The phrase "can I get a sooey?" will undoubtedly catch on and annoy me even more than "my bad" or "whazzzzzzzuuup".

8. If you're practically begging for a guy to touch your ass, and he does touch your ass, you're still entitled to punch him in the face for doing so. Which brings me to #9....

9. Sluts are people too.

10. Um, I can't really come up with 10. Truth be told, the video wasn't really all that enlightening.

Comments

Anonymous said…
#9 should be a bumper sticker. I'd put it on my car. it would go nicely with all the Jesus fish around here.
7/30/2005 12:49 PM
Doggie Extraordinaire's Mom said…
I kinda thought Cheryl Crow's remake of "Sweet Child O' Mine" was the worst remake ever, but the Madonna one is definitely in contention.

Love the list! Jessica strikes me as the kind of gal who just does whatever everyone tells her because she can't think for herself. My boyfriend believes that her "bimbo" act is just that -- an act. She's not even THAT smart and has to be scripted to do the stupid things that are at least amusing. He might be on to something.
7/30/2005 1:09 PM
lpkitten said…
so thats what a 6 year old eating peanut butter sounds like!!! thanks, i'm dying of laughter over here. :)
7/30/2005 3:15 PM
Lee Ann said…
I never watched the Dukes of Hazzard when it was a tv show, doubt I will watch the movie. Willie, gosh, he looks old! How old is he now? Yeah, some of these remakes make me sad. I haven't seen the video, now that you have brought it up, I am curious...human nature. At least Nancy wore the "real go-go boots"! Thanks for the laugh!
7/30/2005 4:33 PM
teletart said…
"My bad". Holy murderous fantasies, Batman. I thought I was alone in a deep, visceral loathing of that phrase, and anyone who uttered it. Until now. Thanks for the company.
7/30/2005 4:52 PM
Anonymous said…
You have put into words exactly what I felt when I first watched that video last week. But here's the weird thing -- now that I've thought so much about it -- I have this powerful urge to download it on iTunes so I can listen to it in my car!
7/30/2005 5:32 PM
Chalicechick said…
I, for one, thought "Willie Nelson as Uncle Jesse" was brilliant casting. Which does not at all mean I will actually watch the movie.

CC
7/30/2005 5:45 PM
Nathan Frampton said…
Ms. Simpson doesn't have a decent song.

http://nathanframpton.blogspot.com/
7/30/2005 5:58 PM
Rex Venom said…
Sluts ARE people too. Just ones that usually have their legs in the air or their tits in your face and god bless them all!
Rock on!
7/30/2005 10:22 PM
Anonymous said…
I miss Nancy Sinatra also, though I think she's making a comeback or maybe she did. All too much to keep up with.
great list.
7/30/2005 11:40 PM
Pause said…
I found it a riveting video. Made me a fan. At least for the ten minutes it took to......
7/31/2005 1:17 AM
Jean said…
Well, I have to say that I am astounded by all the remakes out in the past few years. I mean, I watched scooby Doo when I was a kid and now I have to see him all over again. I will say that my kids used to love the Dukes of Hazzard show. My son was young and called it dukeahazzad. I haven't seen the show, but have heard the video and I am not impressed. As far as Madonna goes, well, I hated that song even as a kid. Just Sucks. Next I guess we will be watching a remake of Get Smart. That is the only one I haven't seen yet.....or hey, Jessica would make a great Ellie May too wouldn't she? :) Then she can be a dumb slut.
7/31/2005 4:49 PM
BadGod said…
I agree. And also, I think Jessica Simpson is fuckin ugly. Am I the only guy that thinks that?

She killed Berlin's "Take My Breathe Away" from Top Gun. I actually liked that song.
8/01/2005 12:22 AM
aNON said…
#10 Ass-lee Simpson lip synching and the ensuing freakish jig wasn't that bad after all?

I don't know, thought this was a contest or something.

Hot blog.
8/01/2005 7:59 PM
Blake said…
I love bimbette. I'm yet to watch the video, but I already think I can taste jalapeno pizza in the back of my throat, which, by the way, burns. Because I am a guy I will watch it and enjoy it, and then poke fun at her pathetic celebrity and fashion a hair-doll and work some caucasian voodoo on her.

You are hilarious.

Blake
8/01/2005 9:40 PM
PopLuck Girl said…
You are right on w/ the Jessica Simpson comment. I also hear Anna Nicole is cutting a cd - Her music will surely make Jessica Simpson sound like Barbra Streisand.
8/01/2005 10:37 PM
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