Friday, July 29, 2005

Totupidity (aka Total Stupidity)

One of the most annoying fads in recent years is the name-splicing of Hollywood couples, as if that were cute. Note to the media: it's not. I actually think this all started with soap operas, namely Days of our Lives. I used to watch Days faithfully until about a year ago, when it just became too asinine for words. At any rate, there was a very popular love triangle going on a few years back involving the characters Chloe, Philip and Brady. All of a sudden rival gangs of crazed fans sprouted up, known as "Phloe" and "Broe". My sister used to get Soap Opera Weekly magazine to keep up to date on the show in case she ever missed something, so I would read it too. (There was always at least one picture of some shirtless soap hunk, so it was worth perusing for that alone.) I started noticing as time went by that all the soaps started coming up with name fusions for their popular couples, but since I didn't watch anything but Days (and Another World was canceled long before this phenomenon appeared) I really can't recall any of them. But soon, Belle and Shawn were known as "Shelle", Rex and Mimi became "Rimi", and then I crumbled under the weight of the cutesy ridiculousness of the whole thing.

Not only is this irritating from a linguistic standpoint, but it just strengthens my belief that society sees couples not as a couple of individuals who just happen to be together, but as some sort of two-headed being that can't survive without the other head. This is especially funny in Hollywood, where celebrity couples often don't last past the initial "I like you" stage. So why even bother? Eventually all the good names will be taken though, and then this stupid game will have to end. So, that's a plus. For instance, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez were dubbed "Bennifer", so now that he's with Jennifer Garner, they can't have a nickname! It's already been done. And what about Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston? Why didn't they get a nickname? Would "Brennifer" have been too close to "Bennifer"? Was "Jad" just not snappy enough? They were actually married, you'd think they'd be more deserving of a nickname. Certainly more deserving than the new monster known as "Brangelina". And then of course, there's Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, who have been awarded the moniker "TomKat". How clever. Oh, I bet the journalist who coined that one spent a good week recovering from that pulled muscle caused by patting him or herself on the back. I'm actually starting to wonder if Tom didn't break up with Penelope Cruz just because he was afraid they would end up labeled "Tomelope". (Sounds like a distant cousin of the jackelope.) It was bad enough that their last names were homonyms. Really, there was only so much he could take.

If the media insists on continuing this silly trend, I plan on doing everything in my power (which means nothing) to get celebrities together whose collective name would at least be amusing. Like, if Portia DeRossi wasn't a lesbian and Johnny Knoxville wasn't married, they could be "PortiaJohn". Cue the toilet sound effects! Together, Drew Carey and Poppy Montgomery would become "Drewpy". Cue the Droopy theme song. And I think we all know what fun Faye Dunaway and Puck from The Real World would have with their nickname. Cue the sensors.


Sangroncito said...

Beckeye, you're becoming my favorite soap opera!

Lee Ann said...

I didn't watch soaps so I didn't know the origin of this. The first time I hear "Bennifer", I asked the person if they were for real. Then they told me that was what the media was calling them! At that very moment I thought it was absolutely ridiculous. If they were to have taken Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz's last names, it could have been Cruiz (guess noone would have caught that though). I am with you though, hope this phases out soon. Why don't they call Ben and Jennifer Gardner ~ Bennifer II?

Gangadhar said...

Hi first time here through Avik's blog..
Nice blog!!

Nique Zool said...

Ahoy there Beckeye.

I'm demented?!

Well, we seem to be the only two blog explosion people who mention A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius as one of their favourite books, so I guess that makes two of us ;)

Thanks for dropping by,
and please hurry back
my quest goes on!


Doggie Extraordinaire's Mom said...

I think it's a part of us peering too closely at the celebs, getting too involved in all their personal stuff. We (by "we" I mean people who obsess about celebs) kind of claim ownership, feel like we're invested in their future, want to give them cutsey names to go along with what we attribute to be their picture-perfect lifestyle. We live vicariously because wouldn't most of us want to merge our own names with Brad Pitt, (ew, we'd be Brikki or Nad) and assume a portion of his identity? Well, maybe not, but some do. It's really sickening. I don't really care who he's married to or what pet names they're being called, as long as he keeps making movies like Troy and Ocean's Eleven, where he just looks so good, there's nothing a bad (or good) plot could do to distract me.

This is just another reason why I refuse to follow the lives or interviews of celebrities because they always, always, always disappoint me and I lose respect. Shut up and look pretty, I say!

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Chalicechick said...

Ben Affleck did a really amusing SNL routing on this.

My favorite was when he suggested that if he and Marcia Gay Harden got together, they would be "Ben Gay."


Kate said...

Tomelope and Drewpy. Brilliant! See this is just as well a sign as any that John Cusack and I are not fated to be with each other at this time as any combination of our names lacks that certain...I don't know what. :)

Kunaxa said...

What if Horacio Sanz became a slut (remember, sluts are people too) and was boning the entire city of New York?

HORNY! would be the most fitting name in that situation.

I swear I'm not the 'journalist' who came up with Tomkat -- I'm just sayin'.

Although, I did suffer from a pulled muscle around the time Tomkat infested our lives.

BeckEye said...

A friend of mine just told me that she read in a magazine that Ben and Jennifer Garner are now being called "Garfleck". Sounds like what you would call a hairball coughed up by Garfield.

Writeprocrastinator said...

Aha, here's the post of which you speak of, and it's a good one.


Didn't Ellen DeGeneres and Portia hit it off? They'd have to get clearance from the FAA, because they'd be "EllePort."

What do you mean, "boo?" Oh, boo, yourself.


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