Totupidity (aka Total Stupidity)

One of the most annoying fads in recent years is the name-splicing of Hollywood couples, as if that were cute. Note to the media: it's not. I actually think this all started with soap operas, namely Days of our Lives. I used to watch Days faithfully until about a year ago, when it just became too asinine for words. At any rate, there was a very popular love triangle going on a few years back involving the characters Chloe, Philip and Brady. All of a sudden rival gangs of crazed fans sprouted up, known as "Phloe" and "Broe". My sister used to get Soap Opera Weekly magazine to keep up to date on the show in case she ever missed something, so I would read it too. (There was always at least one picture of some shirtless soap hunk, so it was worth perusing for that alone.) I started noticing as time went by that all the soaps started coming up with name fusions for their popular couples, but since I didn't watch anything but Days (and Another World was canceled long before this phenomenon appeared) I really can't recall any of them. But soon, Belle and Shawn were known as "Shelle", Rex and Mimi became "Rimi", and then I crumbled under the weight of the cutesy ridiculousness of the whole thing.

Not only is this irritating from a linguistic standpoint, but it just strengthens my belief that society sees couples not as a couple of individuals who just happen to be together, but as some sort of two-headed being that can't survive without the other head. This is especially funny in Hollywood, where celebrity couples often don't last past the initial "I like you" stage. So why even bother? Eventually all the good names will be taken though, and then this stupid game will have to end. So, that's a plus. For instance, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez were dubbed "Bennifer", so now that he's with Jennifer Garner, they can't have a nickname! It's already been done. And what about Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston? Why didn't they get a nickname? Would "Brennifer" have been too close to "Bennifer"? Was "Jad" just not snappy enough? They were actually married, you'd think they'd be more deserving of a nickname. Certainly more deserving than the new monster known as "Brangelina". And then of course, there's Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, who have been awarded the moniker "TomKat". How clever. Oh, I bet the journalist who coined that one spent a good week recovering from that pulled muscle caused by patting him or herself on the back. I'm actually starting to wonder if Tom didn't break up with Penelope Cruz just because he was afraid they would end up labeled "Tomelope". (Sounds like a distant cousin of the jackelope.) It was bad enough that their last names were homonyms. Really, there was only so much he could take.

If the media insists on continuing this silly trend, I plan on doing everything in my power (which means nothing) to get celebrities together whose collective name would at least be amusing. Like, if Portia DeRossi wasn't a lesbian and Johnny Knoxville wasn't married, they could be "PortiaJohn". Cue the toilet sound effects! Together, Drew Carey and Poppy Montgomery would become "Drewpy". Cue the Droopy theme song. And I think we all know what fun Faye Dunaway and Puck from The Real World would have with their nickname. Cue the sensors.