Halloween Costumes That Should Be Buried

This Halloween, I find myself with absolutely no plans. I'll probably sit here like a lump and pass out candy on Halloween night, but as far as the weekend goes, I have no parties to go to. I always loved going to costume parties, but I always got really stressed out about what I was going to dress as. I'm a big fan of homemade costumes. I think it's a perfect opportunity to show off some creativity and create a disguise that 20 other people won't be wearing. I have gone the "costume in a bag" route a few times when I was in a time crunch and out of clever ideas. Even then, I would try to pick out the least popular or worst-selling costume available so I wouldn't look like everyone else. Halloween is a great time to bring out hidden parts of your personality, and a pre-made get-up does nothing to showcase your individuality.

There are certain costumes that actually irritate me enough to the point where I want to go up to the person wearing one and yank it off of them. These are costumes that are so played-out and boring, yet the people wearing them think they are so awesome. And I know that everyone doesn't have the time or energy to make their own costumes or even rummage around Halloween Adventure looking for just the right outfit, but a little imagination wouldn't kill anyone. I have nothing against the old stand-bys like ghost, vampire, devil or witch. They're Halloween classics. These aren't.

French Maid - Oh, how I loathe the French Maid outfit. If I see a girl at a party dressed like this, I immediately dislike her. Most girls who opt for this costume basically think they are hot, even if they're not, and they spend the entire night giggling and pretending that they're worried that the skirt is too short. Occasionally one might utter something like, "Gee, I had no idea this skirt was this short...I probably should've worn underwear!" Now, I know that all men love this outfit. That's a no-brainer. To me, Halloween is not about looking hot. But, if you're a college-age girl you most likely think it is. Less popular but still annoying costumes in the same vein are the Playboy Bunny, Regular Bunny and Kitty Cat. Any excuse to wear a skimpy leotard, right girls? And let's not forget the favorite of the past few years, the Britney Spears/Catholic Schoolgirl look. Her minions are just as original as she is.

Sexy Nurse - Another male fantasy. But unless you're going to a Halloween party at a strip club, why bother? Halloween has somehow turned into Sexual Fetish Night, and I don't know when exactly the change occurred. I have met a few French Maids that actually turned out to be nice women, but I've never met a "sexy nurse" that I didn't want to punch. I was going to use the sexy nurse costume one year, but planned on making some alterations. The idea was to look somewhat va-va-voom, but I was going to wear really screwed up, heavy black eyeliner, lots of red red lipstick, and smear fake blood all over my chest and down onto the costume. I was going to carry a fake hatchet around and sport a nametag that read "R.N. Ratchet". I thought it was a great idea but I couldn't find the right nurse outfit. I wasn't spending $30 on the flimsy pre-made one at the costume store. So I ended up nixing the idea. If anyone wants to use it, feel free.

Priest/Pregnant Nun - It was funny the first time I saw it. It's just stupid now. If you're a couple going for dark humor, go as a fully erect Priest and an Altar boy. I saw a couple once dressed as Siamese twins joined at the boob. Now that was funny...and very creative.


Pimp/Hooker - I'll admit that I dressed as a hooker one time. It was actually around 4th of July though, and I made a lot of money that night. Uh seriously, I did use the hooker costume one year for a party because it was very spur of the moment and I had no other options. It's definitely one of the easiest costumes to put together, especially if you're already kind of a slut. I'm not, but I would sometimes buy "club outfits" that sat in my closet once I got them home because somehow I lost any nerve required to wear them between the mall and my house. They were slightly risque clothes that usually ended up just going to Goodwill after I tried them on 10 times, but never actually wore out in public. So half of the people I've seen at parties dressed as hookers probably got my hand-me-downs from Goodwill. Anyway, it's an easy remedy for a last minute party but I'd rather people just cut holes out of a sheet and go as a ghost. And if the hooker's not bad enough, if I have to see one more guy in that stupid purple pimp costume with the huge hat, I'm going to puke.

Clown - This is just a personal issue I have. I hate clowns. I'm not afraid of them, I just hate them with every fiber in my being. The sole purpose of a clown is to amuse people and they are just about the most unfunny creatures on the planet. And what do clowns have to do with Halloween?? If they're evil clowns, that's fine. But the run-of-the-mill Bozo types? No. They don't belong at a Halloween party. They don't belong on this Earth. Down with Clowns!!

I don't have many pics of my Halloween costumes over the years, but I will post one. This was the last costume I made and got some mileage out of it. I'm a big fan of Miller Lite. That's my beer of choice. So, I decided to make a Miller Lite bottle costume. And lucky for me, I have a brother who's an artist because I never could've made the labels look so good. Sorry the picture is a bit grainy, but that's my crappy scanner. By the way, that's my best friend Angela next to me as Gene Simmons. Gene loves Miller Lite because it tastes great and it's less filling. And he can get his tongue all the way to the bottom of the bottle to lick up every last drop. Or so I've heard.