Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following news items are curiously fascinating:

Janet Jackson Bakes her Muffins in the Sun, Denies Ever Cooking a Bun in the Oven - A new vouyeristic video has started making the rounds on the internet, which appears to show Janet Jackson sunbathing nude. According to the news story, "the video appears to have been shot surreptitiously through an opening in a fence surrounding an outdoor enclosure where the subject was lying on a chaise lounge". My God, what has the world come to when women start tanning in private areas? Who cares. Everyone is more interested in whether or not Jackson has a secret 18-year old child with ex husband, James DeBarge. Brother Tito defended Janet on Extra, saying that he would know if had a niece or nephew. But would the niece or nephew know who Tito is? Most people don't.

Wal-Mart Recruits Celebs for Holiday Ads - Yes, because when I'm shopping at Wal-Mart, it makes me feel better thinking that someone like Beyonce is using the same brand of $2 hairspray that I just bought. So much for truth in advertising. And Wal-Mart really needs to promote themselves more because, apparently it's just not aggravating enough in their stores during the Christmas season. Sure, cram more people in! That will give us all a good dose of holiday cheer.

VH1 Asks, 'But Can They Sing?' No? Really? No. - I can't believe the man, Joey Pants is taking part in this crap-fest. I thought that this show might be funny in a William Hung sort of way, but it's not. It's just an hour of celebrities who aren't even really that famous for whatever it is they do, trying to do something else that they're even worse at. And this is supposed to entertain people? In a related story, scientists just discovered that male mice can sing. Now that's interesting. I would rather pay $50 to see the new "rat pack" in concert than watch this ridiculous show on VH1 for free.

Tyra Banks Goes Undercover as an Obese Woman - Tyra had no idea how blatantly mean "normal" people were to fat people until she performed this little cultural experiment. Ok. I have seen the judges on America's Next Top Model rip girls to shreds who weren't a size 2. Every season they talk about how the world isn't ready for a "plus-size" model. But she just wasn't aware that there is such a problem with weight discrimination in this country. Congratulations Tyra, you're still in the running towards becoming America's Top Clueless Moron. (I'm still in contention too because I can't seem to shake my irrational addiction to that show.)

Jessica Simpson Sees a Shrink - Poor Jess. She had to walk her boots to a psychiatrist due to stress caused by rumors that her marriage to Nick Lachey is crumbling. Honey, you're in show biz. You're going to go through, like, five more marriages in your lifetime. You really need to grow a much thicker skin.