A Thanksgiving PSA

And now a very special Thanksgiving Day message from Tom Turkey:

I've never agreed with eating turkey, ever. Before I was a Scientologist I never agreed with eating turkey. And when I started studying the history of Thanksgiving, I understood more and more why I didn't believe in eating turkey.

You have to understand this. Here we are today where I talk out against drugs and psychiatric abuses of people, okay, against their will, of drugging children with them not knowing the effects of these drugs. Do you know what Tryptophan is? Do you know? Do you know now that Tryptophan is a street drug? Turkeys are being bought off of supermarket shelves every day. Do you understand that?

People. People...people...people. People! People. Here's the problem, people. You don't know the history of Thanksgiving. I do. All this tradition of turkey eating, saying it's giving thanks, it's all just masking the problem. If you understand the history of it, it masks the problem. That's what it does. That's all it does. There is no such thing as food that makes you tired. Food shouldn't make you pass out. This tryptophan, this is a mind-altering drug. This is dangerous. And the problem with the media and the Charlie Brown specials and all of that is that there's misinformation, okay? No one understands the history of Thanksgiving. No one understands the history of this turkey drug.

You people, you sit around your tables and gorge yourself on meat and you laugh. You laugh about how the men all fall asleep watching the football game. You're glib. You don't even know what tryptophan is. I've researched this. Do you know why turkeys were served at the first Thanksgiving? The Pilgrims were using this turkey drug to take advantage of the Indians. The Indians brought corn. Isn't that wonderful? Amazing vegetable, corn. A-maize-ing. And what did the Pilgrims do? They could've had buffalo, rabbit, deer...no, they had turkey. They gave these poor, unsuspecting Indians turkey so that when the tryptophan knocked them out, the Pilgrims could steal their land. Tryptophan was being used to mentally manipulate people long before mickeys and roofies. This is documented. These are facts. Historians don't know. The people at Butterball don't know. They haven't done the research. I have.

I know people who don't eat turkey on Thanksgiving. I've helped people get off turkey for good. I've gotten them off the tryptophan, and they're happy. Their lives are better for it. You owe it to yourselves to live the best lives you can, people. So, this year, don't knowingly feed your children, your friends, your loved ones...don't knowingly load them up with this substance. Be responsible. Put your mental health before tradition. Order Chinese or something. Just remember, no MSG. I love you all.

Inspiration = self-amusement + boredom + insomnia + Today show transcript