Friday, January 19, 2007

And The Belated Golden Globe for Best Performance as a Used-Up Crack Whore Goes To...

Hi everyone. This is Lindsay, and she's an, drug addict. Bulimic? Party animal freak? Whatever, she's in rehab. Shocking, isn't it?

Li-Lo's reasons for entering the program haven't been disclosed. But hey, it doesn't take a rocket scientist (or a rock scientist, if you're Tara Reid) to formulate a pretty good hypothesis about why she's there. I can pretty much guarantee you that it's not for caffeine addiction.

Lindsay's publicist spent a good 5 minutes at the computer yesterday updating the "Drug_Addict_Blank_Template.doc" to issue this statement on Lohan's behalf: "I have made a proactive decision to take care of my personal health. I appreciate your well wishes and ask that you please respect my privacy at this time." Proactive? Excuse me, but I think at this point the choice was decidedly reactive. Or is that a slick way of saying that the Proactiv big-wigs threatened to drop her as a spokesperson if she didn't kick her habit(s)?

I do so love when a little pop tart, who can't breathe if the camera isn't on her, suddenly begs everyone for "privacy" when her life becomes a mess. Sorry, it's not gonna happen, Linz. Your various addictions are much more interesting than your pantiless escapades with the Dumb Blonde Brigade. That's life.

One of these addictions, according to the New York Daily News, is what Robert Palmer was talking 'bout back in the '80s. Sources (aka "they") claim that Lindsay has been ga-ga over James Franco and that his rejection of her sent her over the edge. Now usually, I'll believe anything I read in the Daily News. I mean, that shit is gospel. But, I still think that Li-Lo's decision to go to L.A.'s Wonderland Center had less to do with guys and more to do with dolls. Valleys of 'em. Mountains of coke and rivers of vodka, too.

Apparently, FOX is sponsoring Lindsay's 12 Steps. Either that, or for some reason it's news that she's been watching American Idol while in recovery. Like anyone cares. But since I brought it up, that's really such a bad idea. Rehab centers should not allow patients to watch AI. That show is more addictive than heroin. You know, they should actually create some sort of Reality TV Addict's Treatment Center. I'd definitely go. And if I do, I hope you'll all respect my privacy.

Oh, and by the way, Lindsay, if James Franco doesn't want you, there are plenty of other fish in the sea. In fact, I think I have the perfect guy for you! He's newly single, just as hilarious (if not more so) as those talentless idiots auditioning for Idol and probably loves crack too. I mean, he must. That's the only possible explanation.


Writeprocrastinator said...


Heh-heh-heh, that would be standard for a publicst's repertoire, wouldn't it?

Masha said...

that girl is sooo out of control it's scary...what happened to the little girl in Parent Trap? Why did she have to grow up into LiLo?!

Lee Ann said...

Not even of legal age and already in rehab.

Arlen said...

Excellent post; wish I'd have written it. I am torn between feeling sorry for LL and feeling amused that her every move is chronicled. I'm fascinated in how the media finds her so incredibly intersting. Don't they have better things to do? Don Henley wrote two fantastic songs that deal with this: Dirty Laundry and Get Over It.

Turnbaby said...

Hmmmm Does Wonderland have a program for K-Fed addiction? LOLOLOL

Happy Villain said...

There's a program for caffeine addiction?! Why have I not been court-ordered to enroll?

This story was marginally interesting 20 years ago when the child star was named Drew Barrymore (and I KNOW she wasn't the first), but having seen it before, I wish someone would just tell these girls that they're not as cool or original as they think.

When you've been a child star, at puberty do the execs go to you and give you a choice? You can become a has-been, coochie-flashing, talentless addict or you can live a life of crime and eventually commit suicide. Are they contractually obligated to live one of those lives? Where will Dakota Fanning be in 5 years? Rehab or suicide watch? It's would be sadder if it wasn't so damn consistent.

Spinning said...

This was so very entertaining!

Teri said...

oh. dear. god. I was chuckling until I got to that picture at the end, and then I started laughing my ass off...

LoraLoo said...

I'm still not understanding how this girl got famous in the first place. Mind you, I've seen only one movie with her in it... but it was blatantly obvious she doesn't have any talent.

BarBarA said...

Ditto what Lora said!!!!

Dianna said...

All I can say is - POOR JAMES FRANCO! He's handling this well. At least he has some dignity saying that he & Lindsey are friends & he hopes she gets well.
No more, no less. If he keeps his stuff tight, he won't have any problem with this mess.



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