Hi everyone. This is Lindsay, and she's an alcoholic...er, drug addict. Bulimic? Party animal freak? Whatever, she's in rehab. Shocking, isn't it?Li-Lo's reasons for entering the program haven't been disclosed. But hey, it doesn't take a rocket scientist (or a rock scientist, if you're Tara Reid) to formulate a pretty good hypothesis about why she's there. I can pretty much guarantee you that it's not for caffeine addiction.
Lindsay's publicist spent a good 5 minutes at the computer yesterday updating the "Drug_Addict_Blank_Template.doc" to issue this statement on Lohan's behalf: "I have made a proactive decision to take care of my personal health. I appreciate your well wishes and ask that you please respect my privacy at this time." Proactive? Excuse me, but I think at this point the choice was decidedly reactive. Or is that a slick way of saying that the Proactiv big-wigs threatened to drop her as a spokesperson if she didn't kick her habit(s)?
I do so love when a little pop tart, who can't breathe if the camera isn't on her, suddenly begs everyone for "privacy" when her life becomes a mess. Sorry, it's not gonna happen, Linz. Your various addictions are much more interesting than your pantiless escapades with the Dumb Blonde Brigade. That's life.
One of these addictions, according to the New York Daily News, is what Robert Palmer was talking 'bout back in the '80s. Sources (aka "they") claim that Lindsay has been ga-ga over James Franco and that his rejection of her sent her over the edge. Now usually, I'll believe anything I read in the Daily News. I mean, that shit is gospel. But, I still think that Li-Lo's decision to go to L.A.'s Wonderland Center had less to do with guys and more to do with dolls. Valleys of 'em. Mountains of coke and rivers of vodka, too.
Apparently, FOX is sponsoring Lindsay's 12 Steps. Either that, or for some reason it's news that she's been watching American Idol while in recovery. Like anyone cares. But since I brought it up, that's really such a bad idea. Rehab centers should not allow patients to watch AI. That show is more addictive than heroin. You know, they should actually create some sort of Reality TV Addict's Treatment Center. I'd definitely go. And if I do, I hope you'll all respect my privacy.
Oh, and by the way, Lindsay, if James Franco doesn't want you, there are plenty of other fish in the sea. In fact, I think I have the perfect guy for you! He's newly single, just as hilarious (if not more so) as those talentless idiots auditioning for Idol and probably loves crack too. I mean, he must. That's the only possible explanation.
Comments
Heh-heh-heh, that would be standard for a publicst's repertoire, wouldn't it?
This story was marginally interesting 20 years ago when the child star was named Drew Barrymore (and I KNOW she wasn't the first), but having seen it before, I wish someone would just tell these girls that they're not as cool or original as they think.
When you've been a child star, at puberty do the execs go to you and give you a choice? You can become a has-been, coochie-flashing, talentless addict or you can live a life of crime and eventually commit suicide. Are they contractually obligated to live one of those lives? Where will Dakota Fanning be in 5 years? Rehab or suicide watch? It's would be sadder if it wasn't so damn consistent.
No more, no less. If he keeps his stuff tight, he won't have any problem with this mess.
(heyfranco.blogspot.com)