Monday, February 26, 2007

Oscars, Shmoscars

Last night was Hollywood's big glam extravaganza, The Academy Awards, and just like last year, I hadn't seen most of the movies that were nominated. In fact, the only nominated movie I saw this year was The Devil Wears Prada. At least I didn't say Click, right?

Since I can't really have much of an opinion on the winners and losers, I have nothing to comment on except for how everyone looked. I did this in 2006, so I'll stick with some of the same categories and throw in a few new ones.

Hottest Chick of the Night: Reese Witherspoon. Don't tell Catherine Zeta-Jones, but I think my inner lesbian was doing cartwheels at the sight of her. What a wonderful "F you" to her pouty-faced, cheating dog of an ex-husband, Ryan Phillippe, to show up at the Oscars without him, looking more beautiful than she ever did with him. Purple is my (and Prince's) favorite color, and she totally rocked that plum dress. And don't even get me started on the hair. It was glorious Goddess hair...long, thick, blonde and flowing. And those bangs! God, I'd chop Leo DiCaprio up and feed him to the pooo-wuh to have bangs like that. (Last year's winner: Uma Thurman.)

Hottest Chick Runner-Up: I'll have to give it to Kate Winslet. Again, just like last year, both of these women are just lucky that CZJ wasn't there. (Last year's winner: Jessica Alba.)

Hottest Guy of the Night: John Travolta. Hottest Guy every night! Unlike last year when I was forced to bump him to Runner-Up, his hair looked great. (Last year's winner: Matt Dillon.)

Hottest Guy Runner-Up: Robert Downey, Jr. Yes, really! The lesson we've all learned from this is that, apparently, drugs do a body good. So, just put down the milk carton. Screw it. (Last year's winner: John Travolta.)

Best Hair of the Night: Will Ferrell. God, I love him. There used to only be one white man who could pull off an afro, and that was Lindsey Buckingham. Will's chia-head put Lindsey's '70s 'fro to shame. (Last year's winner: Russell Crowe.)

Worst Dressed: Naomi Watts. Eegads. What is such a beautiful woman doing wearing some awful thrift-store Cinderella-esque rag? Ugly color, bad fit...she looked like she was going to pull a Tara Reid at any minute. (Last year's winner: Charlize Theron.)

Scariest Looking Chick: Eva Green. No idea who she is, and I really don't care to know. She looks like an extra from The Munsters. (New category)

Best Impression of a Dinner Napkin: Cameron Diaz. It's official...this girl shouldn't be allowed to dress herself anymore. She can never get it right. (New category, but she could be used to clean up the mess that was Michelle Williams' dress last year, winner of "Best Impression of a Hot Dog Topping.")

Best Impression of old Anakin Skywalker or old, fat Marlon Brando: Jack Nicholson. Scary. (New category)

Best Use of Talent that Was Wasted Last Year: Will Ferrell. I'm afraid that if Will shows up next year, he'll get stuck in a really lame skit. That seems to be the pattern that's developing. He and Jack Black killed two years ago when they sang the "unknown lyrics" to the boring-speech-wrap-up song, but then his movie makeup skit with Steve Carrell last year was a complete dud. He bounced back well this year, teaming up with Jack Black (again) and John C. Reilly for a song and dance number about how comedians can't win Oscars. As I mentioned above, it was worth watching for Will's hair alone, but the entire segment was really well done. It was the highlight of the show for me.

And finally, the "Why Does This Woman Get Invited To The Oscars When She Has No Reason For Being There Other Than Because She Showed Off Her Ass in Maxim" Award goes to....Jessica Biel. (Lisa Rinna won a similar award last year.)

On a personal note, I was the big loser at the Oscar party I attended. There were prizes for best and worst predictor, and even though I'm usually strangely good at picking the winners, I totally bombed. My booby prize? A DVD of Baby's Day Out. It can't be that bad, though. Joey Pants is in it!


Les Becker said...

Anything with Joey Pants in it is worth watching. He was in my dream cast for my most recently shredded-then-fed-to-the-rodent-pets-and/or- set-on-fire screenplay. Something you won't see him in. Sigh...*

As for the Oscars, I just can't stand to watch them any more. No, not even for John Travolta.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Arrgghh, I missed ALL the Will Ferrell parts.

I have to say that Helen Mirren took the "Best Rack for an Old Chick" award.

Happy Villain said...

I thought Jennifer Lopez should have been given some kind of award for Most Improved from previous award shows. And she should lend some of her style advice to that perpetually cringeworthy, Michelle Williams. We all know how you feel about John Travolta, but I really didn't notice him with Clive Owen in the house: YUM!

Writeprocrastinator said...

"It can't be that bad, Joey Pants is in it!"

Um, the IMDB says that he was in "The Adventures of Pluto Nash," too. What, you're going to let Nicole Kidman off?

Dale said...

Good calls Beckeye. Reese looked great, that Cameron Diaz is a no holds barred mess! Jessica Biel is one of those girls that looks 40 when she's like 22 or something right?

Anonymous said...

How can Reese be anything but hot.


Lizza said...

Hahaha! Loved your comments about the celebrities. Totally agree with you regarding Jessica Biel and Cameron Diaz.

Anonymous said...

I whipped it out to Reese too... wow

LoraLoo said...

Reese Witherspoon's single life is agreeing with her, she is looking very beautiful!

I never watch the Oscars, they seriously bore me, but only because I don't see a lot of movies during the year.

I felt Jennifer Lopez' dress was the worst of the night. She looked so.. so.. old. Not to mention the walking dead she showed up with. Oh, was that her husband?


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