Monday, June 11, 2007

Eye Boogers: Now Hilton-Free!

So, I lied in my last post. There are some other things going on in the world of entertainment. Not many, but a few.

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following news stories are curiously fascinating:

Akon Smack(ed) That Lady in the Head with a Fan. - Remember the good ol' days when bands just played through the objects hurled at them by unruly concertgoers? Axl Rose sure doesn't. Neither does R&B star, Akon, who recently made an example of one of his litterbug fans. Earlier this week at a show in Fishkill, NY, after a 15 year-old boy tossed an object toward Akon, the singer invited the kid onstage, where he promptly picked him up and threw him back into the audience. As you might imagine, one woman said that she suffered a concussion (which I don't doubt) and has her lawyers at the ready. The boy was reportedly unharmed, and will hopefully take this time to think about what he did and work on his aim.

Richie Sambora Gives Rehab a Shot. - Rumor has it that during Tuesday's taping of a new Bon Jovi Unplugged segment for MTV, lead guitarist Sambora was looking rather haggard and had trouble keeping up with the music. This may be what induced him to enter rehab the next day, although Richie's had a pretty tough year with his divorce from Heather Locklear, highly publicized romance with Locklear's ex-BFF, Denise Richards, the end of that relationship and the death of his father. I feel kind of bad for Richie, because I've always been a fan and I think he's a very talented guy, so I hope he gets his life straightened out. But I can't help but feel glad that he's reminded everyone that rehab has always been for rockers, long before it became a favorite vacation spot of the young Hollywood firecrotches.

The Sopranos Goes to Sleep with the Fishes. - Next to some bimbo's jailhouse drama, this has probably been the most talked about story all week. From what I hear, the show ended on an ambiguous note, which pleased some fans and outraged others. My advice? Fughettaboutit. It's just a TV show! Of course I say this because I don't watch it. When C.S.I. goes off the air, I'll probably hole up in my bedroom, bar the door with crime scene tape and create miniature versions of my favorite scenes. Like any that involve a shirtless Warrick or this season's delightful last shot of uber-annoying Sara trapped under a car. If anyone needs to be whacked, it's her.

B-Listers are Coming to Destroy Your Summer - I mentioned in Saturday's post that I'm already psyched for every sad minute of Bret Michaels' (Poison) new show, Rock of Love, but I forgot to mention all of the other reality shows on tap for this summer. I really, really want to spend more time basking in the sun or the warm moonlight, but some of these programs are sure to be blinding rays of brilliantly shlocky entertainment that require watching. I'll either have to start programming my VCR or break down and get TiVo. Here is a quick preview:

Fast Cars and Superstars, Thursdays on ABC - I guess this is Dancing with the Stars on wheels. Sure, people like DWTS, but most of us want to see a B-lister end up in some sort of fiery crash. I don't care how difficult the Slow Foxtrot is - it's never sent anyone to the ICU. Even with its morbidly appealing possibilities, this show is essentially about racing cars - something that those of us without mullets and/or a tin of Skoal in our shirt pockets just do not care about - even though it pairs up stock car racers with celebs like Jewel, The Shat and...what? Ex-Steelers coach Bill Cowher?! Well, I may have to watch this just to see Cowher Power in action once again. Better yet, I'll just read someone else's recaps to see how he does. Prediction: Jewel will have some sort of minor accident that knocks her snaggletooth out, finally forcing her to fix that shit.

Shaq's Big Challenge, debuts June 26 on ABC - This sounds like a mixture of Celebrity Fit Club, The Biggest Loser and Brat Camp. NBA star Shaquille O'Neal attempts to fight childhood obesity by providing fitness programs for a bunch of overweight kids who will never be able to show their faces back at their respective schools after this show airs.

Hey Paula!, debuts June 28 on Bravo - This show will follow Paula Abdul around while she tapes American Idol, works on some dumb Bratz movie, and tries to prove that she's an entrepreneur by developing perfume, makeup and clothing lines - all while standing straight up and speaking plain English. I don't think I'll rush, rush to the couch for this one. Her incoherent babbling on AI is really all the Paula I need.

Rock of Love with Bret Michaels, debuts July 15 on VH-1 - Even though it's unclear whether or not Bret is bald on top and refusing to admit it (hey, even Diamond Dave finally accepted reality), the fact remains that the Poison singer still looks pretty damn good. Everyone knows that he hardly needs a TV show to help him find a girlfriend. But everyone also knows that these dating shows aren't as much about dating as they are about giving a has-been some more face time and completely humiliating women who love to be humiliated. For '80s kids like myself who ain't lookin' for nothin' but a good time, this should fit the bill. Not to mention, it's gotta be the next best thing to a time machine. I mean, who even knew that bleached blonde, leather miniskirt-wearing groupies still existed? Who needs a time capsule when we have this show?

Scott Baio is 45...and Single, debuts July 15 on VH-1 - For some reason, I loved Joanie Loves Chachi, but I didn't really love Chachi. Here's a guy who, after riding Happy Days to its grave, made a never-ending string of bad TV shows (Charles in Charge, Diagnosis Murder- pre-Schlatter) and even worse movies (Foxes, Zapped!), yet still managed to remain a household name who dated models and Playboy bunnies. And now we're all supposed to care that he's having a midlife crisis? Please. I'm 34 and single - and a hell of a lot more entertaining than Baio - so where's my show? Hmm, maybe I should've tried out for the Bret Michaels show. I could've used Bret to get to Kip Winger.

The Two Coreys, debuts July 29 on A&E - Oh, hell yes. It would be an insult to my blue eyeshadow-wearing legacy if I skipped this mess! According to A&E's official press release, it sounds like it's a real-life version of that movie, You, Me & Dupree, featuring Corey Feldman and his wife making the horrible mistake of taking in Corey Haim as their houseguest. Feldog is no stranger to reality TV, as he was a Surreal Life cast member, appeared as a panelist on some VH-1 shows and has told his sad, sordid story to everyone from Howard Stern to Barbara Walters. Last I heard about the Haimster, he was living with his Mom and getting a weekly allowance. And I'm not making that up.


Tanya Espanya said...

You did say at Dale's that you were going to mention Chachi - well done!

I like how you put those little red and green bullets, too.

I'm intrigued now by this list of shows and will have something to look forward to this summer when I'm up at all hours with the baby (the baby who is obviously never showing up...)

Dale said...

Speaking of miniature versions, there's a 6 part series on our Movie Network called Durham County and the daughter of a cop does crime scene reenactments with little dolls, maybe she's responsible for everything.

I liked the Sopranos finale just fine. And of course, for sociological reasons, I'll be watching Hey Paula! to see how many times it gets yelled at her and how many times she's sober enough to respond.

Les Becker said...

And here I'd thought you'd have been all Gung-Ho (ha ha - funny! Oh, wait, that's "Land-Ho", sorry) about that Pirates thing they're airing now. No, I won't be watching it. It falls into the "tv baseball category" - it's only interesting if you're actually playing. Damn, but I would like to be a pirate!

Beth said...

I quit watching CSI a few years ago ... but I'd start watching regularly again if they promised one shirtless Warwick shot per episode. He is so hawt.

cube said...

Wow, a busy post. You must've been saving up all these little gems during your... er, um... incarceration ;-)

Paula, Baio, and two, count 'em, two Corys (or is that Cories?)... all sound like video train wrecks.

Bond said...

THE TWO COREYS???? OMG we have sunk to the bottom of the "what do we throw at the suckers next" pool....
I thought the ending of the SOPRANOS was just fine... As I like to do, David Chase has allowed the fans to interpret what happened after the screen went black...

Barbara Bruederlin said...

If the Shat is on anything, 'twill be worthwhile viewing. I'll bet he drives the piss out of those stock cars, and it would be even better if he showed up on the Two Coreys. Hitting on Corey's mom or something.

X. Dell said...

Making up for lost time, huh?

I guess Akon really has it out for teenyboppers. Wasn't he the guy who had simulated sex with an underaged teenybopper on stage?

I guess we can't really expect him to be on the cocktail circuit soon. But still....

I wasn't a big fan of The Sopranos so I'm kinda indifferent as to its passing. But everything has to end eventually.

I saw the Chachi-related material here, along with the other reality shows. I haven't gotten into them, either. Thank goodness for Otherwise, I'd watch no TV at all.

Bubs said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bubs said...

cannot WAIT for that "Two Coreys" show. Thanks for the reminder!

I always get Scott Baio and Ralph Macchio confused.

Metal Mark said...

Hey, Zapped was a good movie. Okay, maybe not, but I like it when I was 12.

Happy Villain said...

For a while I've been relatively content with having no television, but The Two Coreys is going to make me weep if I can't watch that train wreck. I trust you will have play-by-plays that will be more entertaining than the show itself, right? RIGHT??!!!

The Everglades said...

You're right, I need to get a TV before The Two Corey's debut's. Reading your description of the show has be giddy. I remember the last time I saw Haim was a Where-Are-They-Now-esque segment on VH1 circa 2002 and he was a recovering herioin addict living with mom, and yes, receiving a weekly allowance for barbed wire tattoos and menthol cigarettes. I can't wait.


cube said...

Barbara: William Shatner goes by the Shat. You must mean the Shaq

LoraLoo said...

I love the CSI-ending scenario. I'll be with ya on that one.

I did actually have a big crush on Scott Baio, and I'm curious about the show, but it's almost kind of sad.

BeckEye said...

Tanya - Thank you. My blog was in need of a little Chachi.

Dale - Would you like to get together after "Hey Paula!" ends and reenact the season with Bratz dolls?

Les - No, the Pirates show doesn't interest me. If Johnny Depp ever makes a cameo, maybe I'll tune in but I doubt that will happen.

Beth - He is a fine specimen.

Cube - Jail time is slow time. You do just about anything to occupy yourself.

Bond - Well, this sucker is looking forward to The Two Coreys. Their lives are too ridiculous not to enjoy.

Barbara - I wonder if The Shat will see a monster on the hood of his car?

X.Dell - Yeah, Akon dry humped a 14 year old girl onstage before. I think the kid who got tossed into the audience got the better deal.

Bubs - Baio was Chachi and Ralph was Karate. (I can't remember his character name in The Karate Kid.) And he was also in "We'll do it for Johnny!"

Mark - I'd like to get zapped and forget that movie was ever made.

HV - I will definitely try to provide Corey recaps, as well as for the Bret Michael show.

Blake - You could always talk a local bar into having a "Two Coreys" viewing night if you can't bring yourself to buy a tube.

Cube - I think Barbara was referring to the car racing show, which The Shat will be in. Wow, a summer with The Shat AND Shaq. It may be too much for us all to take.

Loraloo - I might end up watching at least the first ep of the Baio show, since it's on right after the Bret Michaels show. But I have a feeling it will be more along the lines of the Danny Bonaduce show, which was not entertaining in the least.


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