Eye Boogers: Now Hilton-Free!

So, I lied in my last post. There are some other things going on in the world of entertainment. Not many, but a few.

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following news stories are curiously fascinating:

Akon Smack(ed) That Lady in the Head with a Fan. - Remember the good ol' days when bands just played through the objects hurled at them by unruly concertgoers? Axl Rose sure doesn't. Neither does R&B star, Akon, who recently made an example of one of his litterbug fans. Earlier this week at a show in Fishkill, NY, after a 15 year-old boy tossed an object toward Akon, the singer invited the kid onstage, where he promptly picked him up and threw him back into the audience. As you might imagine, one woman said that she suffered a concussion (which I don't doubt) and has her lawyers at the ready. The boy was reportedly unharmed, and will hopefully take this time to think about what he did and work on his aim.

Richie Sambora Gives Rehab a Shot. - Rumor has it that during Tuesday's taping of a new Bon Jovi Unplugged segment for MTV, lead guitarist Sambora was looking rather haggard and had trouble keeping up with the music. This may be what induced him to enter rehab the next day, although Richie's had a pretty tough year with his divorce from Heather Locklear, highly publicized romance with Locklear's ex-BFF, Denise Richards, the end of that relationship and the death of his father. I feel kind of bad for Richie, because I've always been a fan and I think he's a very talented guy, so I hope he gets his life straightened out. But I can't help but feel glad that he's reminded everyone that rehab has always been for rockers, long before it became a favorite vacation spot of the young Hollywood firecrotches.

The Sopranos Goes to Sleep with the Fishes. - Next to some bimbo's jailhouse drama, this has probably been the most talked about story all week. From what I hear, the show ended on an ambiguous note, which pleased some fans and outraged others. My advice? Fughettaboutit. It's just a TV show! Of course I say this because I don't watch it. When C.S.I. goes off the air, I'll probably hole up in my bedroom, bar the door with crime scene tape and create miniature versions of my favorite scenes. Like any that involve a shirtless Warrick or this season's delightful last shot of uber-annoying Sara trapped under a car. If anyone needs to be whacked, it's her.

B-Listers are Coming to Destroy Your Summer - I mentioned in Saturday's post that I'm already psyched for every sad minute of Bret Michaels' (Poison) new show, Rock of Love, but I forgot to mention all of the other reality shows on tap for this summer. I really, really want to spend more time basking in the sun or the warm moonlight, but some of these programs are sure to be blinding rays of brilliantly shlocky entertainment that require watching. I'll either have to start programming my VCR or break down and get TiVo. Here is a quick preview:

Fast Cars and Superstars, Thursdays on ABC - I guess this is Dancing with the Stars on wheels. Sure, people like DWTS, but most of us want to see a B-lister end up in some sort of fiery crash. I don't care how difficult the Slow Foxtrot is - it's never sent anyone to the ICU. Even with its morbidly appealing possibilities, this show is essentially about racing cars - something that those of us without mullets and/or a tin of Skoal in our shirt pockets just do not care about - even though it pairs up stock car racers with celebs like Jewel, The Shat and...what? Ex-Steelers coach Bill Cowher?! Well, I may have to watch this just to see Cowher Power in action once again. Better yet, I'll just read someone else's recaps to see how he does. Prediction: Jewel will have some sort of minor accident that knocks her snaggletooth out, finally forcing her to fix that shit.

Shaq's Big Challenge, debuts June 26 on ABC - This sounds like a mixture of Celebrity Fit Club, The Biggest Loser and Brat Camp. NBA star Shaquille O'Neal attempts to fight childhood obesity by providing fitness programs for a bunch of overweight kids who will never be able to show their faces back at their respective schools after this show airs.

Hey Paula!, debuts June 28 on Bravo - This show will follow Paula Abdul around while she tapes American Idol, works on some dumb Bratz movie, and tries to prove that she's an entrepreneur by developing perfume, makeup and clothing lines - all while standing straight up and speaking plain English. I don't think I'll rush, rush to the couch for this one. Her incoherent babbling on AI is really all the Paula I need.

Rock of Love with Bret Michaels, debuts July 15 on VH-1 - Even though it's unclear whether or not Bret is bald on top and refusing to admit it (hey, even Diamond Dave finally accepted reality), the fact remains that the Poison singer still looks pretty damn good. Everyone knows that he hardly needs a TV show to help him find a girlfriend. But everyone also knows that these dating shows aren't as much about dating as they are about giving a has-been some more face time and completely humiliating women who love to be humiliated. For '80s kids like myself who ain't lookin' for nothin' but a good time, this should fit the bill. Not to mention, it's gotta be the next best thing to a time machine. I mean, who even knew that bleached blonde, leather miniskirt-wearing groupies still existed? Who needs a time capsule when we have this show?

Scott Baio is 45...and Single, debuts July 15 on VH-1 - For some reason, I loved Joanie Loves Chachi, but I didn't really love Chachi. Here's a guy who, after riding Happy Days to its grave, made a never-ending string of bad TV shows (Charles in Charge, Diagnosis Murder- pre-Schlatter) and even worse movies (Foxes, Zapped!), yet still managed to remain a household name who dated models and Playboy bunnies. And now we're all supposed to care that he's having a midlife crisis? Please. I'm 34 and single - and a hell of a lot more entertaining than Baio - so where's my show? Hmm, maybe I should've tried out for the Bret Michaels show. I could've used Bret to get to Kip Winger.

The Two Coreys, debuts July 29 on A&E - Oh, hell yes. It would be an insult to my blue eyeshadow-wearing legacy if I skipped this mess! According to A&E's official press release, it sounds like it's a real-life version of that movie, You, Me & Dupree, featuring Corey Feldman and his wife making the horrible mistake of taking in Corey Haim as their houseguest. Feldog is no stranger to reality TV, as he was a Surreal Life cast member, appeared as a panelist on some VH-1 shows and has told his sad, sordid story to everyone from Howard Stern to Barbara Walters. Last I heard about the Haimster, he was living with his Mom and getting a weekly allowance. And I'm not making that up.