Friday, July 06, 2007

Britney is Sorry Again, Y'all

Yay! Britney wrote another crazy message on her website! This one is for her fans and "the pap" (either the paparazzi, her gynecologist or someone's grandfather, I guess) apologizing for waging a crazy, bald attack on a photographer's car with an umbrella four months ago. Here is the message, unedited:

I apologize to the pap for a stunt that was done 4 months ago regarding an umbrella. I was preparing my character for a role in a movie where the husband never plays his part so they switch places accidentally. I take all my roles very seriously and got a little carried away. Unfortunately I didn't get the part.

I don't know what's funniest:

  • The disjointed brilliance of the first sentence.
  • That she was preparing her character for a role. Is this like a movie within a movie?
  • Pronoun trouble.
  • Someone is actually producing another "switcheroo" movie.
  • Someone actually considered putting Britney Spears in their movie.
  • Someone wrote a screenplay that included an umbrella action scene.
  • The phrase "all my roles."
  • The idea that Britney takes anything - besides flashing her beaver - seriously.
  • She didn't even get the coveted part of angry, umbrella-wielding wife/husband, despite her best method acting techniques.
  • The knowledge that there will be more bizarre messages to come.

  • UPDATE: When I said the message was "unedited," evidently I was lying without even knowing it! Chelene just pointed out that The Superficial caught wind of Britney's letter a day earlier in its original format. Follow the link for fun with homonyms.


    Bubs said...

    I picture Brit sitting there in her terrycloth shorts and a tank top, stress-eating a 5 lb bag of cheetos washed down with Mountain Dew, Red Bull and Jaegermeister.

    Good times!

    Writeprocrastinator said...

    Dang, I caught some kind of odd contact high just reading that!

    Brit? Friends don't let friends type on Oxycontin.

    Karen said...

    That girl needs some serious help. I used to think that maybe because she grew up in the spotlight and never really had a childhood, she just doesn't know how to act properly or like an adult. But then I realized she's got people around her who grew up like normal people.

    Not sure if I should feel sad for her or embarassed for her kids. Or both.

    Les Becker said...

    I hadn't got that nasty "pap/umbrella" connotation until I read this. Now I can't get it out of my head. Thanks. Now I won't be able to explain the hysterics at the gynocologist's office.

    LoraLoo said...

    She's seriously mental. It's confirmed.

    Anonymous said...

    I think her use of those quaint American Misspelling Conventions are so endearing though.

    "apologize" in place of the proper "apologise"

    How could you not love her to bits?

    I like Mary Poppins' umbrella play.

    Coaster Punchman said...

    Actually the funniest part is that I, CP, went apeshit on a taxi that almost ran me over and beat his car with my umbrella until it busted. I feel so much better knowing that Britney is my soul sister now.

    cube said...

    The poor dumb girl. She doesn't have anyone to proofread her inarticulate missives.

    OT I'll be thinking of you tonight
    when I watch the American Idols Live tour.

    Beth said...

    She needs to take my grammar and writing courses. I'll even have Cheetos and Big Gulps on hand. But no beaver; I don't put up with dangling modifiers.

    chelene said...

    No, the funniest thing is that someone changed the spelling on the website just recently. When I saw it a few days ago she was spelling roles as 'rolls'!

    Barbara Bruederlin said...

    See? She knew what she was talking about all along, as "all my rolls" makes perfect sense here. Go Britney.

    Coffee-Drinking Woman said...

    Yes, what cube said. Shouldn't she have someone proofreading her website?

    Dan said...

    Oh goodness ... you had to go and remind me that Britney Spears exists didn't you? :(

    Anonymous said...

    Perhaps the divine Ms. Spears uses here creative syntax, grammar and spelling to annoy the folks who abide the correct(?) forms.

    "Look at me! I am functionally illiterate yet I am wealthy beyond avarice - and you aren't"

    Dale said...

    I like rolls with lots of butter.

    Anonymous said...

    Homonyms or homophones?

    X. Dell said...

    (1) She was preparing for a "roll?" Maybe she decided to be a sandwich that day.

    (2) She probably meant to say that she is preparing for a role, but which one? Considering the bald head and the recent tattoos, I'm guessing Popeye the Sailor.

    Stewart Sternberg said...

    I'm just glad to say I've never been her English teacher. Of course, I teach Alternative Education, so my kids aren't a lot better. But still.

    Dale said...

    I just read Beth's comment. Dangling modifiers? That's hilarious!

    BeckEye said...

    Bubs - Hey, I'm wearing terrycloth shorts and a tank top right now! Off to the trailer park I go.

    WP - I don't think she has any friends left. Not any real ones, anyway. Not any who don't secretly revel in her constantly making an ass of herself.

    Karen - I can't feel sad for her until she takes SOME responsibility for her own state. She just wants to blame her mama, K-Fed, Paris, bartenders and hot dog vendors.

    Les - Well, the gynie's office is just the place for hysterics. Har har har.

    Loraloo - Just now??

    RS - I hadn't realised that I had been spelling all of my favourite words incorrectly all this time, either. I apologise profusely, old chap.

    CP - So, did you end up landing the role of the switcherooed husband?

    Cube - Like I said, she doesn't have any friends who really want to help her out. And I think she's fired everyone who worked for her. Except for her drug dealer. Oh, and the nanny of course.

    Beth - Dangling. Ugh. :)

    Chelene - Thanks for the heads up! You're really...on..a...roll. Uhh heh. In my defense, The Superficial writers probably get paid to be on top of this shit.

    Barbara - Yes, and she takes them so seriously that she listens to them when they tell her to go ahead and have that 3rd bag of Funyons.

    Teri - She should. But it's funnier that she doesn't, so I'm not complaining.

    Dan - I love to be the bearer of bad news.

    RS - I think most of her life is spent figuring out new ways to annoy the commoners.

    Dale - Body butter? Or I Can't Believe It's Not Butter?

    RS - Homonym: a word with the same pronunciation as another but with a different meaning, origin, and, usually, spelling. Homopone: 1. any of two or more letters or groups of letters having the same pronunciation. 2. same as homonym

    I guess that means we're all right. Except for Britney.

    X.Dell - She was preparing her character for a roll. So it's the character whose ass is made of cottage cheese, not her.

    Stewart - If you had been her English teacher, we wouldn't be able to laugh as hard at her stupidity. So I'm glad also.

    Dale - Thanks for coming back to compliment someone else. Beth, Beth, Beth!! (That was my best Jan Brady.)

    David Amulet said...

    I love it! And you pointed out the many reasons why this continues to crack my ass up. BRILLIANT!

    -- david


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