Ashley! Grab an iced tea for Phil Stacey!
Sorry, I couldn't help but title this photo myself. But, it's not too late to get in on the caption contest. Hit me with your best Lindsay line! And speaking of Lindsay...
Damn, it's hot as a crotchfire here in New York. Since I've suddenly been thrust into the tropics, all I want is an iced tea. That doesn't sound like too much to ask, does it? Apparently, it is. I've discovered that finding a good iced tea in NYC is like finding a well-structured sentence in a Britney Spears letter.
First of all, let me just say that Starbucks is the most ridiculous place on Earth. And - joy - there is one on every corner. And then there are a few sprinkled in between. Every time I've attempted to get iced tea at Starbucks, I've been gawked at like I'm a green bug with three heads. Don't ask why I've tried more than once. I don't know. Either I'm a closet masochist or I'm eternally optimistic that Mr. Starbuck, or whoever owns that hell-hole, will finally realize that tea has more than earned its rightful place next to coffee on the overpriced menu.
Oh, and it's not that Starbucks doesn't have tea. They have plenty of tea. They have every variation of tea that you can possibly think of, but they've abandoned the original for its trendy followers. Passion fruit tea? They've got it. Green iced tea? Yep. Got that. Black tea & lemonade? Check. Frappuccino tea? Uh-huh. Dirty sock and porcupine whizz tea? Why, that's their #1 seller! But plain old, run of the mill, normal, average, everyday, proud-to-be-American iced tea? What? Why would they carry such a thing??
The other day, I thought I found an escape from the Starbucks fortress around my office building in the form of Barnes & Noble. They must have good iced tea, I thought. When I worked in a different part of town, I used to get iced tea from the nearby Borders and it was awesome. Borders and Barnes & Noble probably have a similar menu, right? Wrong. Guess who runs the cafe in B&N? That's right...Starbucks. The masochist in me surfaced again, reasoning that it was possible that the B&N Starbucks might have a different menu than the regular Starbucks. My request for tea was quickly rebuffed. And there was that strange look again from the dead-eyed barista. I was suddenly in the Twilight Zone trying to figure out which one of us was the alien. What is this...tea...you speak of?
Today, I ventured over to the Dunkin' Donuts, fully expecting it to be bought out by Starbucks while I was waiting in line. While that didn't happen, I noticed that iced tea was not on their menu either. Hey, maybe they forgot? I got to the counter, asked for iced tea and was, once again, met with befuddlement. For some reason, the guy behind the counter had to deliver his response in a very slow, drawn out manner, as if he thought that anyone who would ask for such a drink must be mentally impaired in some way. "Uhhhhhh.....noooooooooooo.... miss.... noooooooo.... iceeeeed.... teeeeeeeeeeee.... but.... uhhhhh.... weeeee.... have... iced coffee!" If you haven't figured it out by now, I loathe coffee. I hate anything that tastes like coffee. I don't drink Kahlua, I hate tiramisu, and I'd probably have a poop popsicle before I ate coffee ice cream. The only thing I can imagine being worse than coffee is ice-cold coffee. And how did this become such a favorite drink of yuppies and hipsters, anyway? I was a waitress for years, and if I ever brought anyone coffee that was anything less than scalding, they would bitch for 20 minutes about how being served cold coffee was the biggest tragedy in their lives. I just don't get it. So anyway, I obviously wasn't having any part of the iced coffee. The stupid Dunkin' Donuts didn't even have any of my beloved Lipton Brisk, or any other pre-packaged tea for that matter, so I had to go back to the office and suck on the water dispenser for a few more hours. Curses. Foiled again.
By the time lunch rolled around, I'd had about 148 ounces of water and was contemplating going back to Starbucks and getting all Michael Douglas-in-Falling Down on their asses. Instead, I walked down to Cafe Metro to grab a salad (one thing I love about NYC: the proliferation of make-your-own-salad bars) and noticed that they had an iced tea brewer behind the counter. Ahhhhh. I didn't get too excited too quickly though, as I had been burned many times before. Like I said at the beginning of this tirade, it's hard to find a good iced tea in this town. I've had a lot of bad teas. They've run the gamut of taste - everything from lemon-flavored dirt to some strange concoction that actually tasted like latex gloves. So, I was a bit worried that it would be just another full cup that ends in the garbage. I crossed my fingers, tossed in a packet of Sweet 'n Low (I know, that stuff will turn me into a lab rat), took a sip and...heaven. FINALLY. Thank you, Cafe Metro. Thank you for giving me a damn good cup of iced tea and, most of all, thanks for not even batting an eye when I asked for it.
And the coffee achievers think they're so awesome. Please. They can get a cup of coffee without even trying. I had to work for that iced tea, baby! That's achievement.
Sorry, I couldn't help but title this photo myself. But, it's not too late to get in on the caption contest. Hit me with your best Lindsay line! And speaking of Lindsay...Damn, it's hot as a crotchfire here in New York. Since I've suddenly been thrust into the tropics, all I want is an iced tea. That doesn't sound like too much to ask, does it? Apparently, it is. I've discovered that finding a good iced tea in NYC is like finding a well-structured sentence in a Britney Spears letter.
First of all, let me just say that Starbucks is the most ridiculous place on Earth. And - joy - there is one on every corner. And then there are a few sprinkled in between. Every time I've attempted to get iced tea at Starbucks, I've been gawked at like I'm a green bug with three heads. Don't ask why I've tried more than once. I don't know. Either I'm a closet masochist or I'm eternally optimistic that Mr. Starbuck, or whoever owns that hell-hole, will finally realize that tea has more than earned its rightful place next to coffee on the overpriced menu.
Oh, and it's not that Starbucks doesn't have tea. They have plenty of tea. They have every variation of tea that you can possibly think of, but they've abandoned the original for its trendy followers. Passion fruit tea? They've got it. Green iced tea? Yep. Got that. Black tea & lemonade? Check. Frappuccino tea? Uh-huh. Dirty sock and porcupine whizz tea? Why, that's their #1 seller! But plain old, run of the mill, normal, average, everyday, proud-to-be-American iced tea? What? Why would they carry such a thing??
The other day, I thought I found an escape from the Starbucks fortress around my office building in the form of Barnes & Noble. They must have good iced tea, I thought. When I worked in a different part of town, I used to get iced tea from the nearby Borders and it was awesome. Borders and Barnes & Noble probably have a similar menu, right? Wrong. Guess who runs the cafe in B&N? That's right...Starbucks. The masochist in me surfaced again, reasoning that it was possible that the B&N Starbucks might have a different menu than the regular Starbucks. My request for tea was quickly rebuffed. And there was that strange look again from the dead-eyed barista. I was suddenly in the Twilight Zone trying to figure out which one of us was the alien. What is this...tea...you speak of?
Today, I ventured over to the Dunkin' Donuts, fully expecting it to be bought out by Starbucks while I was waiting in line. While that didn't happen, I noticed that iced tea was not on their menu either. Hey, maybe they forgot? I got to the counter, asked for iced tea and was, once again, met with befuddlement. For some reason, the guy behind the counter had to deliver his response in a very slow, drawn out manner, as if he thought that anyone who would ask for such a drink must be mentally impaired in some way. "Uhhhhhh.....noooooooooooo.... miss.... noooooooo.... iceeeeed.... teeeeeeeeeeee.... but.... uhhhhh.... weeeee.... have... iced coffee!" If you haven't figured it out by now, I loathe coffee. I hate anything that tastes like coffee. I don't drink Kahlua, I hate tiramisu, and I'd probably have a poop popsicle before I ate coffee ice cream. The only thing I can imagine being worse than coffee is ice-cold coffee. And how did this become such a favorite drink of yuppies and hipsters, anyway? I was a waitress for years, and if I ever brought anyone coffee that was anything less than scalding, they would bitch for 20 minutes about how being served cold coffee was the biggest tragedy in their lives. I just don't get it. So anyway, I obviously wasn't having any part of the iced coffee. The stupid Dunkin' Donuts didn't even have any of my beloved Lipton Brisk, or any other pre-packaged tea for that matter, so I had to go back to the office and suck on the water dispenser for a few more hours. Curses. Foiled again.
By the time lunch rolled around, I'd had about 148 ounces of water and was contemplating going back to Starbucks and getting all Michael Douglas-in-Falling Down on their asses. Instead, I walked down to Cafe Metro to grab a salad (one thing I love about NYC: the proliferation of make-your-own-salad bars) and noticed that they had an iced tea brewer behind the counter. Ahhhhh. I didn't get too excited too quickly though, as I had been burned many times before. Like I said at the beginning of this tirade, it's hard to find a good iced tea in this town. I've had a lot of bad teas. They've run the gamut of taste - everything from lemon-flavored dirt to some strange concoction that actually tasted like latex gloves. So, I was a bit worried that it would be just another full cup that ends in the garbage. I crossed my fingers, tossed in a packet of Sweet 'n Low (I know, that stuff will turn me into a lab rat), took a sip and...heaven. FINALLY. Thank you, Cafe Metro. Thank you for giving me a damn good cup of iced tea and, most of all, thanks for not even batting an eye when I asked for it.
And the coffee achievers think they're so awesome. Please. They can get a cup of coffee without even trying. I had to work for that iced tea, baby! That's achievement.
Comments
(2) Starbucks has even infested Harlem, moving out a lot of good chicken and waffles places. It's a conspiracy, I tell you.
(3) Actually, I was in a Starbucks about a year ago, and got iced tea. But you're right, they don't have it at Drunken Donts. I'm not a coffee drinker either, but iced coffee sounds kinda, idk, yucky.
That's it! Now I have to try some. Thanks a lot!
I've discovered that finding a good iced tea in NYC is like finding a well-structured sentence in a Britney Spears letter.
There are parts of D.C. with Starbucks across the street from one another.
I was a serious Starbucks slut for years ... until I moved back to my old neighborhood and rediscovered the local shop ...with THE BEST lattes in town. Now I get to sneer at the 'bucks.
Next up on my reading list: Uncommon Grounds. It's all about the not-so-nice history of our addiction to coffee.
I know! How weird is that?
I hate coffee and nearly everything coffee flavored with the sole exception of Kahlua and only when mixed with Amaretto.
You can get that in the US?
Lucky bastards!
We have to follow the pricky beasts around with a little paper cup if we want that ambrosia.
I love iced tea-- I drink a pitcher of it every day. I make my own, though. And of course, we have no stove right now. It's going to be a rough 4 weeks.
RE the Starbucks upon Starbucks: Have you ever seen "Best In Show?" There's an obnoxious yuppie couple, portrayed by Parker Posey and Michael Hitchcock (whom I went to my high school) who tell the "cutesy" story of how they met-- they were in two different Starbucks that were across the street from one another.
A few years ago, The Onion humor magazine had the headline "Starbucks Opens Starbucks Inside Other Starbucks."
Beck - great rant. Now surf on over to the Secretz and claim your award. :D
I like tea. Hot & iced. I'm easy
;-)
BTW I know Phil Stacey. That is NOT Phil Stacey!
Just kidding. I only saw Phil up close, but only managed to touch Blake's hand at the concert.
...but i totally agree..you would think that TEA wouldn't be THAT hard! Come on people...
Chelene - But it's not beneath them to take $5 for a cookie.
HV - What do you drink? How do you wake up in the morning? If I just drink water, milk or juice in the morning, I don't actually wake up until around 1:00 in the afternoon.
Beth - You're a Starbucks slut, Chelene's a Starbuck's whore....are we talking about the same place here? Has Starbucks ventured into another "business?"
Karen - I don't mind the smell of SOME coffee. My ex-roommate from college used to make hazelnut coffee every morning and it made me want to vomit.
Dale - You think I'm pretty? Um, er...tee hee hee. And this is what the women in your office are talking about? What? They don't think I'm pretty!? Well, they can all burn in Starbucks for all I care.
Deadspot - Not that weird. My nieces were big iced tea fans, especially my oldest niece, Miss T. Coincidence? She always called it tee-tee, which I thought was so cute. We still call it that sometimes. But I've never ordered that at the deli, otherwise I could understand why they would look at me like I'm mental.
Molie - Coffee and cherry? Uggggghhhh. I like Amaretto, but have only had Amaretto sours. If I have about 3 of them I feel like I have hair on my tongue.
RS - This is the land of opportunity!
Mark - The jugs at the grocery store are hit or miss. Some are really bad and then some are completely awesome. I think Galliker and Swiss brands are the best.
Johnny - Whattya mean they don't clean the equipment in NYC delis? Bite your tongue! And I have seen "Best in Show." Great movie. It was actually just on the other night.
Oh, and if I'm being a stickler, the sentence would be "with whom I went to high school." No ending with a preposition, sir!
Angell - I'll be right there! You better have a nice, tall glass of iced tea waiting for me. :)
Artful Dodger - Must be. But those Southerners like to push the sweet tea, which I don't like.
Cube - I happen to know that is Phil Stacey. Mary Kate is working as his personal assistant now.
Masha - I hate sweet tea. I like just regular ol' tea.
Barbara - I think Starbucks should put out a new CD with an updated version of Neil Diamond's "Porcupine Pie" as "Porcupine Whizz" in honor of their best selling flavor.
Travis - Thanks, dude! Party on. But not at Starbucks. That would be most egregious.
Reading this cracked me up, thanks for the early morning laugh!