Monday, July 30, 2007

The Two Coreys: Week 1

I've kind of given up on VH-1's Rock of Love. I gave it the old college try but, as so often happens in the first semester, I must withdraw for fear that continuing will just drag me down into a hole that I can't escape. Luckily for me, A&E's new Sunday night show, The Two Coreys, has swooped in and filled the void that Bret Michaels could not. Probably the only void that guy hasn't filled.

If you were alive in the '80s, you'll remember The Coreys who starred in many teen movies together - Feldman and Haim. The former was the nerdy-looking kid who morphed into a coked-up Michael Jackson wannabe and the latter was the Tiger Beat-friendly, slack-jawed boy who morphed into a coked-up...uh...coke-head. While Feldman was known for his roles in Stand By Me and The Goonies, and Haim for Lucas and that totally bogus Stephen King werewolf flick, The Coreys' shared path to '80s greatness began with their onscreen pairing in the totally rad vampire flick, The Lost Boys. After that came the sadly underrated License to Drive, which was hilarious in spite of Heather Graham's presence, the horrific Dream a Little Dream, the thankfully unseen by me National Lampoon's Last Resort and the sequel no one asked for, Dream a Little Dream 2. They were best buds on-screen and off who boozily followed each other down that clichéd child-star path to the Land of Unemployed Bitterness.

Both Coreys have been through their shit and now seem bent on finding their celeb status again. Feldog kicked his drug habit, stopped raiding Jacko's wardrobe, hit up all the reality TV shows that would have him and somehow managed to find himself a wife. (If you're wondering who would marry Corey Feldman, please reserve all judgment until you learn a little bit about the Missus.) The Haimster took a bit longer to straighten up, going through a fat-guy-who-lives-with-his-mom phase, before turning clean and sober. Now they are ready for the next phase in their lives - reliving old glory days while whoring themselves out and refusing to grow up. Praise be to the TV Gods!

Now that you're properly caught up, on with the show...

Episode 1, The Reunion - Corey Feldman and his wife, Susie, invite Corey Haim to stay with them for a few weeks. Quickly, we discover that this is meant to be a modern-day "Odd Couple" with Feldog as Mr. Prissy Pants and The Haimster as Mr. Slobby Slacks. We also learn that the neat-freak vs. slob conflict is not the only one going on between the Coreys. Haim reveals that he hasn't been laid since...I dunno...the late '80s, while Feldman blissfully prances around with a neon "WHIPPED" sign above his head.

Cracker of the whip, Susie, is basically a stick figure with a head full of helium and two balloons full of saline. She's also a PETA freak. Feldog is also a PETA freak. I don't know if one influenced the other, but does it really matter? Just two more annoying people in the world who expect me to feel guilty that animal flesh is delicious. Susie invites an even crazier PETA freak over for dinner and, since it's a big deal to her, she immediately starts worrying that the uncouth, carniverous Haim will ruin the whole night. She jibber jabbers to Haim about how eating meat is really "ingesting the bad karma from the animal who suffered" in the creation of that meal. Up until now, I was kind of annoyed by The Haimster's frenetic, childish attitude but now I'm actually starting to feel for the guy for having to put up with such a hostess.

Of course, the vegan of honor just happened to be an attractive woman around The Coreys' age. How nice for the horny Haimster. Susie starts to sweat when Haim blatantly hits on PETA chick, and then just about loses her mind when he has pizza delivered for himself. For some reason, while Haim was flirting out by the hot tub, Susie broke down and sobbed to her husband that his best bud was totally out of line. Oh no! A single meat-eating guy is flirting with a vegan girl! The world is about to cave in! Susie manages to turn nothing into a huge, dramatic scene and she, not The Haimster, ends up being the idiot who makes everyone uncomfortable.

Finally, everyone makes up. Awww.

Episode 2, Lost Boys - The Coreys are invited to the 20th Anniversary screening of The Lost Boys, while Susie's biggest dream comes true via a phone call letting her know that she's been chosen to appear in Stuff magazine. Right away, this causes a problem because the boys are supposed to do a radio station promo for the screening which only Haim shows up for because Feldman has to hold his wife's hand while she talks to the Stuff people about her (lack of) wardrobe choices for the upcoming shoot. The Haimster is pissed. I can't really say I blame him. Feldog is really a little girl. Siamese spouses are the worst.

Turns out, Haim's goal right now is to write a sequel to The Lost Boys with Feldman, even though he clearly has A.D.D. and could never be depended upon to sit down and come up with any kind of cohesive storyline. This is all he talks about up until and during the screening of the film, where The Coreys and Susie meet up with Jamison Newlander, who played the other Frog brother. (I'll bet that if Jamison had changed his name to Corey when The Lost Boys came out, we would all know who he is.) Newlander and Haim are totally into the sequel idea and Feldman kind of plays along, but seems to just be humoring them. The Haimster hands out autographs and takes pics with fans while Feldog sits there and pants over his wife's breasts. Then Susie, who may be a bigger attention whore than both Coreys put together - if that's possible, inexplicably takes a white marker and writes her name on the movie screening poster as if anyone is coming there to see her. Haim just about pops a vein over this and becomes increasingly agitated by Susie's constant presence, as do I. Whipped Corey won't even go out for a night on the town with his friend, Jamison, whom he never sees, because he has to go home and snuggle with Tits McGee. (I'm starting to think that the couple really has been surgically grafted together with some sort of invisible membrane.) Haim's vein pushes further toward its breaking point over this "blow-off", lamenting that marriage has turned his best bud into a dud.

Feldman invites Newlander over for breakfast the next day and I try not to imagine what nastiness vegetarians eat instead of eggs and bacon. They catch up a bit and, after the other Frog brother leaves, the subject of the sequel comes up again. Feldog takes The Haimster into another room and breaks the news to him (and me!) that there already is a sequel in the works. Warner Brothers is making one without them. Well, not quite. Seems that they did ask Feldman to do a cameo, which he turned down because he wouldn't do it without his bud. TPTB never even entertained the thought of putting Haim in the movie. The Haimster openly weeps, realizing that he still has a long way to go to repair his damaged reputation.

All crying ceases when Haim disappears for a walk. Then, the ginormous crew from Stuff shows up, and Feldman can only beam proudly while his scantily-clad wife writhes around on various pieces of furniture. As the couple basks in the afterglow of T&A, The Haimster returns bearing a gift. To make up for the fact that he never bought them a wedding present, and for tracking mud all through the house, he presents them with a Tiffany vase.

Finally, everything is cool. Awwww.

Hey! I wonder what would happen if a smoker and a recent non-smoker lived together? I bet the results would be hilarious! Well, find out next week...on The Two Coreys!


Beth said...

Fan-damn-tastic write-up! I forgot to watch last night (I was sucked into "Army Wives"; I had to know what that drunk Kim Delaney did to get kicked out of Harvard law) — but I think I may enjoy your day-afters better than the real thing.

Anonymous said...

Jesus Christ...I'll stick with Bret and the bimbettes, thanks.

Angela :)

Dan said...

There are TWO Coreys?? Goodness gracious. And here I was thinking that one was too many. :)

Karen said...

I agree with Beth, what a great write up. WHen I first heard about the show a few months ago, I instantly declared I was going to give it a pass. Now I'm sad that I did. I'm sure though that A&E will rerun the first few episodes and I'll be sure to check them out.

I caught Feldog on Surreal Life when he was on and what a tool he's become (or still is...?). Trainwreck television indeed.

David Amulet said...

I must say that I saw more than enough of the Coreys in the 80s and I have no urge to even know what they are up to anymore. Can't we move on as a society?

Perhaps they will do a joint 80s reality show with Milli Vanilli, the cast of Growing Pains, and Colin Quinn.

-- david

Doc said...

I prefer your write up to anything they put on t.v. I don't have time watch the darn thing, and your recap is better anyway. Looking forward to further installments.


Writeprocrastinator said...

I still can't tell them apart at times and it's not because they look or sound anything alike.

"Just two more annoying people in the world who expect me to feel guilty that animal flesh is delicious."

Good God, you are so preaching to the choir!

Ah yes, the good old days of the wife from hell driving a wedge between everybody and everything. I don't miss those days one bit.

At this stage, you kind of don't have to hang with the harpies when you do the socializing with other parents around school. The harpies cluster in their corner, though they can still make your life hell by getting on parent committees.

I can still hear the screeching of ******, she even made nails on chalkboard sound sweet.

Hey, email me, please. It's kinda important.

Metal Mark said...

Sounds better than most of the movies they were in.

Artful Dodger said...

I forgot about that show. I've been setting the DVR to record "I Hate My 30's" instead. Now I must adjust the settings again to record this show. (sigh*) Now I have to re-read the instructions to figure out how I did it the first time. Nuts!!

Barbara Bruederlin said...

You are doing the world a great service. Look how much time you saved me and I still know all the important stuff that is going on in the world (of has-been childstars)! Bonus!

Angell said...

ICK - I couldn't stand them when they were hot (although I DID love Feldman in both SBM and Goonies). Haim has always been a brat - my friend's mom is an agent and he was one of her first clients when he was a little tyke.

He's an ass in the biggest way, and I have no desire to watch the show. I WILL however, be returning for more recaps as I suspect that they are more entertaining than the show itself.

Thanks for the belated wishes. :D

Alice said...

since i sort of missed the 80s (socially, i mean. tv-wise) i just can't muster up interest for either of them...

Anonymous said...

"...going through a fat-guy-who-lives-with-his-mom phase,..."

And what is wrong with this?

Molie said...

Whatever the Coreys appeal was back in the 80s it was lost on me.

Great recap, like others have said it was more than likely better than the show.

chelene said...

I never understood the world's fascination with these two. And I still don't. Was it just because they were somewhat cute and had the same name? The best thing about The Lost Boys was Jason Patric, if you ask me.

Slave to the dogs said...

I had no clue this was on!!! Must watch.

I'm with Chelene though. Haim looked like Kirk Cameron, blah, and Feldman still looks just like my cousin which makes him undesirable.

BeckEye said...

Beth - Why, thank you!

Ang - Susie Feldman would fit right in on Rock of Love.

Dan - There are. Usually there are "Feldman people" or "Haim people." But you seem like more of a Jamison Newlander kind of guy.

Karen - Thanks! You have to see Feldman now. What a Nancy boy. It's disgusting.

David - No. No, we can't move on as a society until we know what the future holds for the Coreys. Like, duh.

Doc - Thanks...for the compliment and for swinging by!

WP - You can't tell them apart? Haim's the one who never closed his mouth. In fact, my brother Dutch always referred to him as "the open-mouthed kid." OH, and nice harpy tangent.

Mark - Oh, you're the one who doesn't like "The Lost Boys," right? Shame on you.

Dodger - They could combine them into "The Two Coreys Hate Their 30s" or "I Hate My 30s Because The Coreys are Back in My Life." Something like that.

Barbara - Occasionally, I like to help the world.

Angell - Yeah, Haim definitely seems like a self-important schmuck.

Alice - Understandable. Especially at 10:00 on a Sunday night. I'm lucky I can muster up interest in anything during that time slot.

Rhet - I should've said "fat-guy-who-lives-OFF-his-mom phase."

Molie - Thank you. Yeah, I was never really a Corey fanatic either...I think even though we're all about the same age, they seemed too young for me or something. I was all about the older dudes, like Jason Patric.

Chelene - No argument here...note reference to Patric above. What an obscenely beautiful man in that movie. It's a shame that he hasn't aged very well. And he's kind of a reclusive weirdo.

Slave - Yeah, but Kirk Cameron turned out to be a good boy who is still married to the same woman. So much for the "being a child star is haaaaarrrrrd" argument.

An80sNut said...

Sooo... so far they've promoted a film they won't be in, PETA and a Stuff magazine layout. Pretty sad. Mark me happy to miss this one but happy to see out of work people using anything they have left to self-promote (although it seems they are promoting anything but themselves so far.)

Scott said...

Given up on rock of love? I just watched it this weekend for the first time and now I'm addicted. And I usually hate those kinds of shows!

I've yet to taken in the Coreys program...

BeckEye said...

80s Nut - Based on the promos for next week, it seems that they'll be advertising heavily for the tobacco companies.

Scott - I'll probably still watch Rock of Love, but just with one eye.

My Side of The Bed said...

This is an awesome summary! Since I don't have a TV I will rely on your column here. We watch DVDs on my iBook laptop, so when this TV show comes out on DVD I'm so there!



Coaster Punchman said...

I agree, this write up was excellent and certainly saves me the aggravation of having to watch it.

Why does the Haimster look like he's about to date rape some poor girl?

LoraLoo said...

I couldn't stand Feldman on Surreal Life, what an idiot... I think I'll just catch your synopsis.

Anonymous said...

Feldman is the same self righteous person he always has been regardless of his talent. Haim is his Gilligan. If you have someone stupid around you, you look smarter. This show is not good. Haim should be aware that Feldman and his wife are simply using Haim as a step on Feldman's constant effort to regain some long gone fame. Of course Haim must be just that desperate to allow this show to display him in such an ignorant light-probably can't put the meth pipe down long enough to figure that out. I actually feel sorry for Haim-This is going to make his poor life even worse once Feldman is done. Boys you are has beens, give it up and take up golf. The show is the worst of the worst of over and done stars clinging to some idea that they should be a star still. Narcissism
at its most embarrassing IS the Two Coreys/wife.

Slave to the dogs said...

Oh, and here's the thing about Maroon 5. Their first CD was awesome - especially if you like Harder to Breathe. So I was all excited about their second CD, which it turns out sucks donkey balls. Makes Me Wonder is catchy though.

Fergie blows on her own, I much prefer her with the Peas.


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